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Post by princessdiana92 on Dec 4, 2017 2:20:24 GMT
Not to hog the boards here, but wanted everyone's opinion on one of my first tries at flash fiction. Inspired by song lyrics... then it got violent. Ya know. Please let me know what you think, if this is even good or not. xx T For the Thrill of it flash.pdf (167.06 KB) |
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Post by Charlie Allison on Dec 4, 2017 17:54:09 GMT
Tianna: Are you stealing some of Justin's style? Being inspired by it perhaps? At any rate this short flash carries many of your hallmarks--vivid imagery, high emotional stakes, the moment of decision focused upon. I have some thoughts about this as a flash piece--as it stands now, you're looking at 258 words sans the title. That's a good flash piece--now bear with me--this could be a tight 100. You have the moment of conclusion, the question of surrender or fighting to live, going quite well but it could be pared down even more. That's if you want to--it could easily be 200 flat and still be glorious. My chief trouble with this work comes at the tail end, this particular paragraph: As it is, this is a quote that turns an elegy and/or a monologue about love and all that sort of thing and throws it into grim relief. This is your big payoff, your wham line. Awesome, I didn't see it coming so you've done your work there. The parts of that quote that I find troublesome are underlined--step back, perhaps and ask how much do you need to spell out to your audience. Remove the underlined portions and it would be simpler. In flash (I'm not expert in the genre compared to say, Justin or Julia), you want to imply, to tease, to taste the hint of drama without spelling it out. We know, thanks to the narrator's previous musings who 'he' is, so masterful setup. Presumably the POV character stripped naked to avoid getting blood on his clothes, and was washing in the pool? Each word has to have something indispensable about it on several levels--so without the underlined words, your wham paragraph could be: You have a solid foundation here--it will be a strong base for the finished version. Some other thoughts, in no particular order: -Start with lightning, end with lightning. I'd cut the beginning a little bit, but it brings a cohesion to this man's madness. -Lightning and storms are common tropes, but its worth noting, I think that the woman is associated with lightning and the sky--the man doesn't seems to struggle too hard, or consider struggling too important--he accepts the woman's actions and presumably drowns, the last things he sees are a forking lightning bolt as the woman retreats, giving her a deific association. He's a fanatic towards her and this shows in how he thinks and interacts with her--her touch is electric etc--great theme to bind the story together thematically. -I've marked words to cut-this seems nitpicking but every last one has to count in this format. I'd play around with the title as well, but that's another few steps ahead. Great work Tianna! For the Thrill of it flash charlie edits.pdf (139.01 KB) |
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Post by justin1023 on Dec 4, 2017 19:09:29 GMT
Not to hog the boards here, but wanted everyone's opinion on one of my first tries at flash fiction. Inspired by song lyrics... then it got violent. Ya know. Please let me know what you think, if this is even good or not. xx T Hey Tianna, This is pretty awesome work for a first piece of flash. There's a nice flow to it, and it's vivid. You evoke wonderful emotions early, then you scare the shit out of us late. I like it a lot. I have some tips in my line notes to help with the cadence of the story. A couple deletes here, a changed word there. I have some thoughts on the story, and please choose to ignore these if you want because this can absolutely work as is. The dialogue felt a little jarring to me. Part of that is by design and the nature of your story. But the other part is that there isn't much dialogue and it almost feels like the story doesn't need it. Maybe you can try this without the dialogue? Also, what if we don't get to know why the woman pushes him under? I kind of like the idea of making a decision on both the main character and the woman without being told who to root for. Seems counterintuitive, but for this piece of flash, that's where I landed. Otherwise, great work! |
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Post by princessdiana92 on Dec 4, 2017 20:12:30 GMT
Not to hog the boards here, but wanted everyone's opinion on one of my first tries at flash fiction. Inspired by song lyrics... then it got violent. Ya know. Please let me know what you think, if this is even good or not. xx T Hey Tianna, This is pretty awesome work for a first piece of flash. There's a nice flow to it, and it's vivid. You evoke wonderful emotions early, then you scare the shit out of us late. I like it a lot. I have some tips in my line notes to help with the cadence of the story. A couple deletes here, a changed word there. I have some thoughts on the story, and please choose to ignore these if you want because this can absolutely work as is. The dialogue felt a little jarring to me. Part of that is by design and the nature of your story. But the other part is that there isn't much dialogue and it almost feels like the story doesn't need it. Maybe you can try this without the dialogue? Also, what if we don't get to know why the woman pushes him under? I kind of like the idea of making a decision on both the main character and the woman without being told who to root for. Seems counterintuitive, but for this piece of flash, that's where I landed. Otherwise, great work! Thanks, Justin!! I was really banking on your feedback since I know you have experience in writing flash. I was pretty happy with how this turned out. Tried to bring a lot of emotion into it. I actually love the idea of cutting the dialogue cause I honestly felt it was pretty forced. Thank you for the suggestion! And I agree with all your line edits. Glad to hear my first attempt at flash wasn't a complete failure.  |
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Post by princessdiana92 on Dec 4, 2017 20:14:33 GMT
Tianna: Are you stealing some of Justin's style? Being inspired by it perhaps? At any rate this short flash carries many of your hallmarks--vivid imagery, high emotional stakes, the moment of decision focused upon. I have some thoughts about this as a flash piece--as it stands now, you're looking at 258 words sans the title. That's a good flash piece--now bear with me--this could be a tight 100. You have the moment of conclusion, the question of surrender or fighting to live, going quite well but it could be pared down even more. That's if you want to--it could easily be 200 flat and still be glorious. My chief trouble with this work comes at the tail end, this particular paragraph: As it is, this is a quote that turns an elegy and/or a monologue about love and all that sort of thing and throws it into grim relief. This is your big payoff, your wham line. Awesome, I didn't see it coming so you've done your work there. The parts of that quote that I find troublesome are underlined--step back, perhaps and ask how much do you need to spell out to your audience. Remove the underlined portions and it would be simpler. In flash (I'm not expert in the genre compared to say, Justin or Julia), you want to imply, to tease, to taste the hint of drama without spelling it out. We know, thanks to the narrator's previous musings who 'he' is, so masterful setup. Presumably the POV character stripped naked to avoid getting blood on his clothes, and was washing in the pool? Each word has to have something indispensable about it on several levels--so without the underlined words, your wham paragraph could be: You have a solid foundation here--it will be a strong base for the finished version. Some other thoughts, in no particular order: -Start with lightning, end with lightning. I'd cut the beginning a little bit, but it brings a cohesion to this man's madness. -Lightning and storms are common tropes, but its worth noting, I think that the woman is associated with lightning and the sky--the man doesn't seems to struggle too hard, or consider struggling too important--he accepts the woman's actions and presumably drowns, the last things he sees are a forking lightning bolt as the woman retreats, giving her a deific association. He's a fanatic towards her and this shows in how he thinks and interacts with her--her touch is electric etc--great theme to bind the story together thematically. -I've marked words to cut-this seems nitpicking but every last one has to count in this format. I'd play around with the title as well, but that's another few steps ahead. Great work Tianna! Thank you, Charlie!! Definitely agree on tightening it up -- maybe per Justin's suggestion, getting rid of the dialogue completely or at least keeping that one line you said to keep would be a good direction to take this? I also like the idea of starting with lightning and ending with lightning. I'll definitely play around with it. I had my co-worker Anthony read this for a sample of my creative writing aside from journalism lol and all he kept saying was "oh my god" "oh my god" hahaha then he was like, "so he's dead?" haha - always cool to see what non-creative writers think.  Also cool idea that he's going in the pool to wash the blood off of him from the murder - I honestly hadn't even thought of that but it's definitely a really cool interpretation. Maybe I should play around with that, too? Thank you for reading!! |
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Post by princessdiana92 on Dec 4, 2017 20:25:05 GMT
Thrills
With thunder vibrating through my chest like an extra heartbeat ticking in time with mine, lightning streaks the sky, and I fling my bare ass inside the shock of cold water.
The thought feels real. Warm, salty flesh. Clementine, a hint of vanilla.
The only way to stop is to swim.
Electric fingers wrap around me, like her tongue circling mine, constricting and suffocating. Deadly but exciting.
I try to blink but I’m paralyzed, in the clutch of the lightning.
Better than thinking about her. Better than watching through the window as she makes love to her husband. Better than jerking off to her old yearbook photo tucked away in my bathroom.
Better than anything. Feeling the shock, the second my heart stops, that’s what keeps me feeling alive.
Then she’s above me, shoving me underwater and holding me there.
I flail, struggling to breathe. This is how it ends, how it finally ends.
She lifts my head above water and I gasp. She dunks me then drags me up.
Another dunk and my forehead smacks the side of the pool. Thick ink colors the water around my head. Murky. My body sinks.
The water feels warm and tingly, lightning clutching at me again, my heart a ball of fire.
Her hands leave, and I watch a flash of lightning strike across the sky, igniting the night.
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Post by Charlie Allison on Dec 10, 2017 3:12:59 GMT
Tianna:
This is a great paring down of the original. You capture the fevered-raptured (Rapture carries the same root word, 'rap' that is found in 'raptor' and 'rape' which originally carried the meaning of 'to carry off by force' as in a hawk carrying off prey in its talons) of a person who is obsessed beyond the need for self-preservation. By giving us less, you make us want more: that could be a great summary of what good flash or microfiction is supposed to do. The only thing I would focus in on is the final line--tinker with that until it CLICKS--what you have now is a good, serviceable end, but it lacks a final kick-in-the-guts stopping power I think you're looking for in a piece like this.
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