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Post by eldercheese on Oct 1, 2016 3:30:52 GMT
More Ray and her fun filled family friendly adventures in wonderland To day on Rain Scars Rayzona learns something new about herself. RainScars3.pdf (40.57 KB) |
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Julia
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Post by Julia on Oct 3, 2016 18:27:33 GMT
Those who failed the Gods - The atmosphere of this story is amazing, moody and filled with tension. You have elements that I've read before (priests, hint of a previous disaster, a young girl undergoing a ritual) but you have a new take on all of them.
- I feel like it really hit its stride at the end, and that was also where the text became more streamlined. I marked some places where you could streamline more:
Butcher's Crown 3 Again, I like how you make the tone of Hana's section childlike. I'm interested to see what happens next. In particular, the dialogue "They were both safe or so the doctors said but... with everything braking... mistakes.” has me intrigued JuliaComments_ButchersCrown3.pdf (332.98 KB) JuliaComments_Those who failed the Gods.pdf (94.97 KB) |
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Post by eldercheese on Oct 4, 2016 5:54:39 GMT
Thanks for the edits they are extremely helpful  Butchers Crown has been fun to write. Rain Scars is kind of dominating shattered transmissions atm but when i need a brake from all the happy there I turn to the other stories. Charlie actually gave me a book that reminded me of a comic I own which help me crack Elsewhere Woman. Nothing to do with your notes I just spent... a period of time writing a story with no dislodge or sentences which was fun to do. That had nothing to do with the topic at hand but its... 2am and as I often do at this hour I start go a little out of my head. Anyways I'll get to the other half of your edits tomorrow. Thanks again |
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Post by eldercheese on Oct 7, 2016 0:28:50 GMT
Sometimes thing happen, its hard to explain how or why you have been swept up. After everything goes down your left to gather your thoughts. RainScars4.pdf (32.17 KB) I have often wondered what destiny is, if we create it or if it creates us. I remembered I was told by someone in college that destiny was real because as complete human there only so many option you can take without change who you are. I have no idea if its true or if it applies, I am not sure if it has anything to do with this story but its on my mind. Those who failed the gods 2 edits.pdf (29.11 KB) Thankyou to everyone who has been reading these, your help has been a huge help. Also I have to warn all readers or at least inform you all that the time of "Rain Scars" is coming. I hope you somehow like Rayzona because we are going to be living with her for a while. We are make a dash to see how long it takes Ray to earn her Rain scars. Knives up gutter girl. |
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Post by Charlie Allison on Oct 14, 2016 15:33:58 GMT
Sometimes thing happen, its hard to explain how or why you have been swept up. After everything goes down your left to gather your thoughts. View AttachmentI have often wondered what destiny is, if we create it or if it creates us. I remembered I was told by someone in college that destiny was real because as complete human there only so many option you can take without change who you are. I have no idea if its true or if it applies, I am not sure if it has anything to do with this story but its on my mind. View AttachmentThankyou to everyone who has been reading these, your help has been a huge help. Also I have to warn all readers or at least inform you all that the time of "Rain Scars" is coming. I hope you somehow like Rayzona because we are going to be living with her for a while. We are make a dash to see how long it takes Ray to earn her Rain scars. Knives up gutter girl. My thoughts on Shattered Transmissions (And Rain Scars in particular) are varied. For the purposes of this feedback, we're gonna be sticking with Rain Scars--although I will get to Butcher's Crown and Elsewhere Woman in due time. On Ray/Crow: Eliot, you do a great job mapping the evolution of a character. Crow clearly has stages of her personality--going from an impressionable (if not entirely innocent) child to that psychopathic killing machine we grow to know and fear. She lives in utter fucking terror (I think that's the latin phrase I need) of her big sister, Niahla. Ray goes from idolizing her big sister to being broken afterwards. Her evolution as a character can, I think, be safely characterized as a downward spiral crested with razor wire--everything that transpires in the story serves to contribute to the Crow we see, drinking alone in her drifting spaceship, devoid of company. That all being said, I have two pieces of advice for you regarding this character: 1) Time-check (chrono-check). Basically, one of the weaknesses of anarchic order is that sometimes your character grows in a direction different from the one you want them to grow into. The easiest way to check this is to have two versions of your story: one in strict chronological order, the other in anarchic order and then reading both--it helps check character divergence and continuity errors. 2) This is related, but seperate. We see Ray become Crow piecemeal--but after she becomes crow, to avoid being a static character, she needs to change and develop (different goals, different loves, different ideas etc). They don't happen lightning fast, but having the team's pet psychopath be a flat character, especially when you've clearly put all this work into developing her backstory and worldview, would be a real shame. So this isn't so much an instruction for Rain Scars, as it is for the Shades Men: Don't let Crow ossify and become static. At any rate, my one criticism (if it can be called that) of rain scars as it stands now is not the characters (who are memorable and distinct) or the setting (which is a living hell and skillfully done) but exposition. I'm sure more is coming, but some of what we've talked about (why the Corporations can't simply carpetbomb a rebellion into radioactive dust, the gravity crushing non-hardshells etc) integrated more into the story. More feedback to come! Charlie |
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Post by eldercheese on Oct 14, 2016 16:34:30 GMT
That last part is a tricky one. I know the reasons why but its hard to explain without just... thrusting it into the story. At least I have not found a way yet. Some of it will come to light but the trueth is a lot of the characters and Crow/Ray in particular have no idea what the otherworlders are really about. Its something I've been mulling over a lot.
as for the cracked up time line, that's an experiment. I have a outline for the way the chapters come together in the story (All broken up). I did that to try and simulate some of the fractured nature of Ray's mind and life. I always considered that it may have to be put in order. I am waiting to see if in the end it all works together well enough.
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Post by eldercheese on Oct 16, 2016 1:37:24 GMT
So um... more Ray wooooo I hope you guys like here because she's here to stay for a bit. RainScars5.pdf (32.02 KB) |
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Post by eldercheese on Oct 25, 2016 4:12:33 GMT
So here is a bunch of rough cuts for Rain Scars 7 chapters all at once! OMG! RainScars6-13.pdf (101.33 KB) |
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Post by eldercheese on Nov 22, 2016 2:16:55 GMT
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Post by eldercheese on Nov 27, 2016 21:59:36 GMT
The struggle is real now (or so I hope). We are building up to the mayhem I think but for now its more of Rayzona and Shillie doing their unhealthy thing together. RainScars17.pdf (46.06 KB) Rainscars18.pdf (33.19 KB) RainScars19.pdf (46 KB) |
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Post by eldercheese on Apr 4, 2017 16:51:03 GMT
Man its been ages since I updated this. I'm an currently on chapter 40, I'm planning to finish it and then gather it up into one rough doc and put it all down here unless someone really wants to see it now. I do want to get this done, I have five other stories in this series loosely planned out and one of them is going to be told from the other side of Crows world. I'm very excited for that one, its working title is "Hardshell" which if you are one of the three people that has read Rain Scars all the way through then you know what its roughly about.
Other stories int he line up.
Butchers Crow
Elsewhere Woman
Those who failed the gods
Skin walker
Nothing Empire
Hardshell
Ok six other stories... good lord this thing is growing fast.
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Post by Charlie Allison on May 22, 2017 20:13:42 GMT
Thoughts on Rain Scars:
Eliot:
You have a beautiful grasp of language to describe terrible things. Its vaguely hypnotic, as a narrative device. I’m reminded of GORMENGHAST and John Steakley’s ARMOR (which I’ve re-read recently)—GORMENGHAST is a lushly described car-sack world after the end using baroque language and ARMOR describes the fallout and mentality of a ‘bug hunt’ gone wrong. So not perfect metaphors, but we’ll come back to them as examples of dark stories that immerse you headfirst in their worlds. Hell, DUNE, one of the undisputed sci-fi holy books, is like that—remember these titles, because they will come up as reference points for RAIN SCARS.
Because that’s what you’re going for, I think. A journey into hell, hiding behind the eyes of a traumatized (And traumatizing) young woman named Rayzona. The society of Kessen unfolding, lotus like, as she goes up in the world and eventually flees it after an uprising.
As we’ve seen from your storytelling abilities in role-playing, the Kessen-verse is deeply realized, researched and fleshed out. The hotels, the distribution of the habs, Kessen’s relationship with trade and outsiders—it makes sense. However this vast world is closed off to us by the primary premise of the story: Crow herself.
Crow/Rayzona as a character is a bit more troublesome. She’s smart and driven and amoral—she has many of the traits of a Byronic hero. However, her limited scope, lack of ability to grow as a character (not a slam on your writing, Eliot, just on the emotional makeup of the character as shown) fundamentally slows the story you’re trying to tell.
As a psychopath (or with a clear personality disorder), Crow/Rayzona has an emotional palette made up chiefly of reds: irritation, rage, irascibility etc… She’s a great character as far as POV goes—showing us the world of the mines, of out of control corporations, addictions and casual, purposeful violence through her limited perspective, which is limited to the slums. However, this combined with her relatively flat affect and small view of the world (we don’t see much of the world and universe until the hard shells and Davis arrive in earnest later in the story) create a narrative claustrophobia that can discourage the reader/listener from reaching that ‘opening of the world’. And empathy for her is simply not going to appear without broader understanding of context.
Short version: you’ve made a nuanced and subtle world, and then given the reader a ride in the head of a character without those characteristics. It undercuts all the hard work you’ve clearly done on building the ‘verse. I have a few suggestions that might help bring the world of Kessen into more prominence—such a rich world deserves to be seen and experienced through multiple POVs or viewpoints.
-Listening to the first nine chapters of RAIN SCARS while driving, I was struck by how well you create and maintain tone in your stories. However, I had to stop there—the collective darkness of tone and lack of wider-scale focus dissuaded me from continuing, at least there and then. — -Here is where DUNE is helpful for you— you could put a quote from a corporation, a trader, a diplomat, even a history textbook or a drug-dealer, or someone not immediately involved with Crow at the beginning of each chapter. Something to allow us to catch our breath. Inserting different sources allows the audience a mental breather, provides content, and lets us see a wider picture. Frontloading the grimdark into the first nine chapters can exhaust the audience (worst case scenario: tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DarknessInducedAudienceApathy). You need to bring Crow’s conflicts into context to make the reader want her to triumph (Even then, she’s really hard to root for).
-Or you can go the route ARMOR did: show the nightmare of Crow’s life, or part of it, and then switch to a different character and explore the world of Kessen from there (an executive, a rogue trader, an anthropologist studying Kessenese culture) someone from outside of Crow’s sphere of influence. You would then reintroduce Crow from an outsider’s perspective—during the riots or after when making her escape to give a more rounded version of the world that the audience can immerse themselves in. |
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Post by eldercheese on May 23, 2017 17:31:42 GMT
Well I hear what your saying and I'm glad you like the world Quotes and little outside things may be on the table but unless I absolutely have to I intend to keep it as on Crow POV. The reason for this is simple. Everything in Rain Scars is in service of Crow as a character. This is completely and wholey her story. I intend to explore the world in other spin off stories and maybe as the series goes on. These other stories being "Hardshell" Which is told from the pov of a Minz Soldier and maybe a few other characters on the other side of the conflict. and A story about the largest uprising in Kessen history some 100ish years before Rain Scars. I am glad the story is claustrophobic and hopeless that is the point because its the world seen only through Crows eyes. I do have to say that Crow can change, Shillie changed her dramatically and later when she joins the uprising she changes again. Or that is the intent that may need some touching up or serious reworking. The changes she goes through during the fighting are something I'm grappling with atm. This does give me a lot to think on as it is a heavy strain to stick with Crow POV the hole fuckin time. I myself have to take brakes when writing just to get out of her head for a while it gets stressful. Something I am also curious about is what you thought about the out of order first half. you did not mention it so I assume it worked on some level. That was just kind of how the story came out half dilibrate but then because a style choice that effected a lot of how the story was put together. Did that actually work or was it just a hot mess? |
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Post by eldercheese on Jul 30, 2017 3:25:00 GMT
Oh god guys I'm 58 chapters out of a projects 61... I'm so close to finishing my first draft to my first ever novel. I may actually do it this time!
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Post by eldercheese on Sept 29, 2017 14:11:09 GMT
Well here it is for anyone interested the first draft of Rain Scars. Its ugly, rough as hell and I'm still bolting shit onto it now but as it stands this is the first draft. Rain Scars is about the life of one native woman from the mining planet of Kessan. Poisonous, infested with crime and held down under the heavy boot heel of off world corporations Kessan is a world unfit for human life. Yet Raysona was born to it, lived it as best or if I can be cliche as badly as she could. Warning: Villain protagonist, none linear plot progression, grim tone, bad writing mechanics (shrugs). Rain Scars 1.docx (303.12 KB) |
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Butchers Crown has been fun to write. Rain Scars is kind of dominating shattered transmissions atm but when i need a brake from all the happy there I turn to the other stories.