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Post by eldercheese on Jun 7, 2016 4:33:49 GMT
In a world unlike our own across the vast reaches of space are the lost and forgot few the shademen. Rain Scars.pdf (67.55 KB) I was going to put this into flash fiction but its over 500 words and I think that's to long... I don't know I'm not hip to the flash fic biz. This story is an experiment of mine, very stripped down I very pleased with it myself if I do say so.
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Post by Charlie Allison on Jun 7, 2016 18:11:29 GMT
Eliot-- Technically, flashfiction is anything under 1000 words, as long as it tells a complete story. That said, can't wait to re-acquaint myself with these characters.
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Post by justin1023 on Jun 10, 2016 17:23:17 GMT
In a world unlike our own across the vast reaches of space are the lost and forgot few the shademen. I was going to put this into flash fiction but its over 500 words and I think that's to long... I don't know I'm not hip to the flash fic biz. This story is an experiment of mine, very stripped down I very pleased with it myself if I do say so. Hi Eliot! I love the world you've created here. Everything is so vivid and imaginative. I've got one question for you in regards to this specific story, but I'll get to that in a moment. First, what you did well with this: You painted a picture of a world and a specific scenario within a world without really introducing us to characters. There are characters there, sure, but you give us the info we need through exposition. Great job. It's easy to find yourself bogged down in words when describing something foreign. However, you don't do that here. You use longer descriptions where necessary, but you utilize the metaphor and the simile quiet well to reduce unecessary description. Now, onto my question: Is this part of a longer piece? It doesn't quite feel like it stands on its own. Part of that is the lack of characters -- something that works in a piece, but probably doesn't work for a stand alone story. The other part is the fragmented messages. We're piecing something together, which is a brilliant technique as part of a longer piece. But less so for a stand alone short. I hope this all helps! I've attached line notes as well Attachments:Rain Scars.pdf (130.09 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Jun 10, 2016 19:24:40 GMT
Yes this is infact part of a larger series with more characters. I intend for the shorts to at first disconnected and then build into something larger and connected. I am excited to check out your notes I will do so as soon as I get home. and I'll throw up the other story int his world that I have finished "Elsewhere Woman".
This project is a bit of a side project, I'm very early (for me) in the planning stages so I'm glad its working so far.
I also have to admit I'm kind of on a no dialogue kick atm
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Post by eldercheese on Jun 12, 2016 22:43:45 GMT
So here is the other section of Shattered transitions that I wrote I am personally unsure if it stacks up as well but its a first draft among the stars there are things you just can not conceptualize, between the point were your logic brakes down and the other things above you is the elsewhere woman. Elsewhere Woman.pdf (72.9 KB) I am currently working on a third part called "the butchers crown" I have the idea for two more called transcendent and nobody. That is not much to go on but this is how these things begin.
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Post by eldercheese on Jun 20, 2016 5:00:14 GMT
Touch the strange life of friend Raven, touch and see the colors of their false world. Stay calm, stay focused and trust friend Baron I have a few more players to set up before I really start digging into the meat of this weird world and I have no idea when that will happen. Shattered transitions is a side project but one of passion. I know this one is a lot rougher then my other one. The opening paragraph needs some work, charlie already pointed this out but I have not had the time to really carve into that. Its my hope that as more fragments come out a story will start to form, I intend for these to come with illustrations... I am currently working on that -_- Butchers Crown.pdf (83.5 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Aug 15, 2016 5:54:35 GMT
Ok so It's two am and I just got back from a long trip but this little blip of a tale has been clawing at my skull for a while. It just came out, so here it is all over the place. Very rough I'm sure but I am behind in posting so here goes somewhere out beyond, there are places no one cares to know about Drifting.pdf (28.64 KB)
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Post by Charlie Allison on Aug 16, 2016 2:27:20 GMT
Ok so It's two am and I just got back from a long trip but this little blip of a tale has been clawing at my skull for a while. It just came out, so here it is all over the place. Very rough I'm sure but I am behind in posting so here goes somewhere out beyond, there are places no one cares to know about View AttachmentEliot: Here are my line notes in .pdf and .docx Crow-Shadesmen Charlies edit.pdf (29.08 KB) I love the minimalistic style of this story. It's quite an accomplishment (Technically flash fiction--since it's under a thousand words) to paint such a vivid picture of the void of space and Crow's madness (Barely checked by meds). Maybe consider re-posting this story in the flash-fiction section in addition to it's current place? Most of my questions/comments/concerns are listed in the line notes but here's a quick run down: Strengths: -Use of inference and precise details to paint a vivid picture using minimal words--examples include Crow's scarred hands, the floating pills and Talos talking to Crow. -This next point is related to the one above but it warrants its own category. We get the sense that Crow is clearly crazy for Cocoa Puffs around the time when a fucking LOADED GUN floats around in zero-gee. Nobody but the negligent or insane would do that--this is further personified and assisted by her being convinced the passing planet is 'looking at her' and Talos, the ship is giving her command. This slow reveal of her madness is effective and gels well with the emptiness of space--we really get a sense of the character in less than a thousand words--and that's damn impressive. Things to improve: -Initial transitions--it's not immediately clear we're focusing on the inside of a ship and this can be jarring especially because it comes so quickly. -Spelling and grammar--not the big misspellings but the homophones--hole instead of whole, etc. I would recommend app.grammarly.com/ that auto-spell checks for just that sort of things and can save a bit of time. - Context--but that's inherent in the story-line of Shattered Transmissions--and thusly not really a flaw. Bad Charlie, bad. Seriously, keep these things coming, man! Can't wait to read more. Charlie
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Post by eldercheese on Sept 3, 2016 16:29:02 GMT
Rain scars part 2 at some point I will have to find a way to organize these somehow Rainscars 2.pdf (68.79 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Sept 7, 2016 22:51:42 GMT
A new player arrives in the tale a new face and a smile for the world and everything it has for throw at him. Skinwalker.pdf (39.19 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Sept 21, 2016 0:03:07 GMT
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Julia
New Member
Posts: 38
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Post by Julia on Sept 25, 2016 14:31:16 GMT
I love the atmosphere of these 3 stories. It connects them, even though none of the characters are the same. You have great, specific details that shows who these characters are: Ray who refuses to zip up her suit, Hana in the cold cylinder, Ben with his stash of women's clothing. It's amazing how you established so many interesting characters in so little time. Also, it was impressive how you varied your writing style to match the different personalities. Ben and his smiling. Ray's violent fantasies. General suggestion - Your sentences are quite complex, often with multiple prepositional phrases and dependent clauses. I sometimes found it difficult to follow the order of the phrases. Probably a few more commas or starting a new sentence would help. Sometimes having an "-ing" verb with your main verb didn't seem necessary. Would love to see how all these stories tie together! JuliaComments_Skinwalker.pdf (331.59 KB) JuliaComments_Rainscars 2.pdf (335.48 KB) JuliaComments_Butchers Crown 2.pdf (84.6 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Sept 25, 2016 21:35:38 GMT
Thank you so much for the feed back this is just what I need. Its known to me that I struggle with grammar, I have tried for years now to learn the weird ways of it. I have some kind of learning difference and if you can believe it I use to be even worse. So pointing out sentence structure is a massive help.
I'm glad you are liking it and if you read more in the future please let me know if I lose some of that unique feel between the stories that is something I'm really trying to maintain.
Now I'm going to implement these changes and read your story
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Post by eldercheese on Sept 27, 2016 19:35:32 GMT
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Post by eldercheese on Oct 1, 2016 3:10:48 GMT
A little more butchers crown for those who wanted to see into Hana's world a bit more ButchersCrown3.pdf (48.3 KB)
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