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Post by justin1023 on Jun 10, 2016 15:45:01 GMT
Sorry for the lack of activity, all! I honestly forgot about the forum because of all the other forums tied to my MFA program. But I'm back. Got a new piece of flash I'd love some feedback on. Thanks! Attachments:CountingSeasons 1.docx (6.52 KB)
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Post by Charlie Allison on Jun 10, 2016 18:41:16 GMT
On it, Broseidon!
So, some thoughts on Counting Seasons:
Strengths: Details reveal a larger picture. For an Easterner like me, saguaros are a signature of the West---but in fact, as wikipedia quickly informed me, they are incredibly constrained in their ecologoical niche--only being found in very specific places in Northern Mexico, New Mexico, and deep southern California (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saguaro#/media/File:Carnegiea_gigantea_range_map_3.png). Using little references like this in your story instead of more general terms, allows us to narrow down the nameless one's location by logic rather than clunky exposition. This allows the reader to be fully immersed in your world.
In the hands of a lesser writer, the hovering spirit above a body might be a cliche-factory. Because she doesn't know anything, the story can get away with showing more than it otherwise could. Because she has no sense of self, no real identity as her body and grave fade, she is a keen observer of everything about her. We see how swiftly a person can be swallowed up by the hungry jaws of time and oblivion. You do fantastic work capturing the landscape, the dry despair and resignation that comes with this woman's post-terminus existence
That said...
Sentences that you may want to play with removing/reducing complexity of (since i lost the ability to post attachments...)
"There’s not much snow in the winter. Not here." Personally, I'd cut the 'not here'. The next sentence, about blackened toes and the frigid cold does enough to leave a deep impression--if you're hurting for words, you don't need these two.
"They stopped trying to find me. They still don’t know who I am. They gave up. They don’t know who did what to me. I’m just a body, buried in a state cemetery with a headstone that doesn’t even have a name." Couple of things to consider--you use repetition elegantly in this work, and its a good way to get inside the nameless girl's head--if she doesn't even know who she is, why would she make distinctions about 'who' had forgotten her and just round it out to they? I personally think you could rework the last sentence to something like 'I'm a something tethered to a body, over a nameless grave in a state cemetery'. Fewer words, a touch sharper. As for the first part, another way to save on words might be: 'People stopped trying to find me. They have no more clue who I was than I do. Or who put me here. So they do what's best for them. They forget.' or something like that.
'Not even the person who made me like this comes to see me. As if I'd know them even if they did.' A line like that could emphasis the total isolation that she's experiencing--or distract the reader from the tone you're trying to create--isolation, desolation, all the 'ations'.
Maybe create a 'seasons' loop. You mention watching the seasons at the top of the second page--i'm wondering if you couldn't move that to the top of the first page, thus making a loop. Maybe something like 'I hover above my body, watching seasons change.' as an opener, or does that give too much away?
Loved your work, man. Keep it up!
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abi
New Member
Posts: 29 
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Post by abi on May 24, 2017 4:39:22 GMT
Did this story ever find a home?
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Post by justin1023 on May 24, 2017 17:18:21 GMT
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Post by eldercheese on Jun 3, 2017 16:12:24 GMT
I just read over this while I'm killing time before the wedding I'm up in NY for starts. I liked it it was very vivid. I'll chew on it for a little while and see if I come up with something more profound to say. Until then I think I have to start getting involved in all this wedding mess that I've been avoiding as best I can until now. Great work as always Justin  |
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