Four Corners - A Detective Story

[justin1023]

Hey all, 

Sorry for the radio silence! I've got a new story though. My first attempt at writing anything remotely resembling detective fiction. Let me know if it works, if there's enough mystery, if it unfolds at a proper pace, etc. 

Thanks!

Attachments:

FourCorners.pdf (82.83 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Justin! I'm on it! Sorry sorry sorry sorry for the late response!

Charlie

[Charlie Allison]

Aug 9, 2016 14:20:03 GMT justin1023 said:

Hey all, 

Sorry for the radio silence! I've got a new story though. My first attempt at writing anything remotely resembling detective fiction. Let me know if it works, if there's enough mystery, if it unfolds at a proper pace, etc. 

Thanks!

Justin:

I like this initial draft of Four Corners. Your detective fiction is quite good--I read through it in about half-an-hour--a good sign, by the way. It has hooks, son. Here are my line notes.

Charlies Line notes on 4 Corners.pdf (109.64 KB)


Things that work:
-Pacing. This is, largely, a quick and entertaining read. Part of that is the effective use of minimalism--sharp, punchy language that draws the reader onwards. This is absolutely essential for detective fiction--where the plot is paramount and pacing supreme. Everything must be easy to read and implications as clear as daylight--yet obscured. A difficult balance, but one you seem to strike fairly well at this juncture.
-Characterization. All the characters stay in line with the characterization you give them--see below for exceptions to this rule--but generally you do a great job making Reagan consistent--tough, smart and thoroughly wishing to sidestep memories of her past. This incident being the catalyst for her Character Development--and truly striking out on her own.
-Location as a plot point--usually a body being in four states at once is simply hyperbole. Not in this case. It allows us to place the story--and feel like we are in something larger than ourselves. At the nexus of four states--and at the crossroads of Reagans choices in life--to keep being comfortably semi-comfortably employed or to move on with her life and come to terms with her past. Great subtle reference!
-Foreshadowing. Four words: "Your people did this." Goddamn, man.

Things I question:
-Harry. He's a big deal and really, besides a certain other character, drives the plot. If not for Harry, there would be no conflict. He's a solid character archetype--the older, more experienced kingpin-type--which is why I question him riding in at the last minute. He seems more like a hands-off style of person--not a muscle or soldier type. The rescue takes the focus from Reagan and sort of de-legitimizes all her hard work up to this point having to be saved. I get more into this in the line-notes (no need to beat a dead horse here) but have you considered having Harry be the one who gives Buckle's infodump at gun-point--he would be quick to figure it out, afterall.
-Which brings me to Buckle. He's smart enough to rig a complicated deal, feign idiocy and nearly kill Reagan twice. So him opening up, guns-blazing on the Police station feels slightly out of character. See my line notes for more details, but I think that you could get more bang out of the final (or semi-final scene) if Buckle shows up before Reagan sees the evidence bag and then sees it while he's in the police station--allowing her more agency and discretion for how the final fight goes down (And allowing Harry to take over the expositional role that Buckle currently fills--maybe he noticed some other trace evidence or something that Buckle messed up making the deal--it could feel more tense, instead of having Buckle monologue).

I can't wait for the second draft--great first draft, man

Charlie

[eldercheese]

Just read the story great work and thanks for posting

I was a bit confused and this may be the quick reading I gave it but was the main character Reagan a native american or not?  Other then that I felt it could use a little more which is a good issue to have I think.  What I mean is I would have liked one more step in on the mystery train before the reveal.

on the up side the story moved quickly and I really got a feel for the main character and her place in the world you set up.  Now charlie is feeding me brandy for some unholy reason and he's doing it badly so I have to be cross with him.  I can't wait to see read more of your work

[justin1023]

Thanks, guys! This is really helpful! It is so ridiculously difficult to write a short detective story -- especially when you've set a page limit (and already blown past it). I might see what this story looks like without that limitation. Great feedback!