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Post by wandofeternity on Aug 19, 2016 14:02:45 GMT
Hey guys, this is part of the novel I've been working. Let me know what you think about it. All input is welcome. Deathwatch Updated.odt (33.85 KB) |
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Post by Charlie Allison on Aug 19, 2016 14:24:34 GMT
Hey man! I'll take a look at it ASAP! Glad to see you on the boards  Charlie |
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Post by Charlie Allison on Aug 20, 2016 16:05:41 GMT
Hey guys, this is part of the novel I've been working. Let me know what you think about it. All input is welcome. View AttachmentGreat first draft, man! Here are my line notes: Deathwatch Charlies Edits.pdf (96.52 KB) Here is my breakdown (in summary form--for more see the line notes). So the chapter is divided into thirds: Victoria, James and Riska. The good news is that all three of these POVs are functional and well written--and could be swapped around if you wanted to vary tone. Take for example, putting James's POV first--it would underscore how invincible he thinks Victoria is, and how he's not worried while they have a strong position and she's in charge. Then we move to Victoria's POV, which acknowledges that while they have a good position, they simply aren't in a position to capitalize on it and are thoroughly (As far as she knows) hosed. Then Riska's POV shows up and allows for a moment of hope to end the chapter. Again, this commentary is a suggestion--as part of a novel, you would know more about what precedes and proceeds after this chapter. You have some great one liners in this story--and a lot of that has to do with timing and setting the scene. Your language is clear and direct--very rarely did I have to re-read a sentence--a great sign for a first draft that will save a lot of headaches down the editing-line. You do great work with the battle scenes--and were smart enough to put them into flashbacks. You captured the chaos and fear of an ambush well (both times) and it's helpful to see Victoria in action through James's eyes (The audience stand-in) which both makes the woman-knight seem more impressive and more believable at the same time. James is a trained soldier, and even he is impressed by how quick and capable big V is. Things I had questions about: -Is the audience meant to know who the troops Riska is brutalizing swear allegiance to? From Victoria's POV we can guess that they are opposed to our viewpoint characters--but that's just a guess. Since this is part of a novel, you don't need to spell out how magic works exactly in this world--but we get the impression from Riska that it's (pardon the pun) risky and comes with a cost. Are Victoria and James primary POV characters or one-shot characters--how do they connect to the larger story? Keep it up--I can't wait to read more of your stuff! Charlie |
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Post by wandofeternity on Aug 20, 2016 21:03:39 GMT
First off, thanks so much for the feedback! It really means a lot to me. I'm going to try and get some feedback to y'all as well. Also going to change quite a few of the things you mentioned.
I'm really glad that those key points came off correctly. I write a lot of realistic fantasy (Or as realistic as you can get when dealing with magic) and I get so tired of heroes seeming to be infalliable. I know if I saw a horde coming after me, I might consider some of the options she did.
As for your questions, you aren't supposed to know yet whose soldiers those are.
Magic in this realm is quite dangerous. There's different kinds, but they all stem from a singular idea. "Power doesn't come without a price."
Victoria and James are actually going to be main characters. Victoria is planned to be the one to lead the rebellion, and thus become the antagonist (As this story is about a villain)
If you have any other questions I'd be more than happy to answer them. c:
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Post by Charlie Allison on Aug 21, 2016 14:15:42 GMT
First off, thanks so much for the feedback! It really means a lot to me. I'm going to try and get some feedback to y'all as well. Also going to change quite a few of the things you mentioned. I'm really glad that those key points came off correctly. I write a lot of realistic fantasy (Or as realistic as you can get when dealing with magic) and I get so tired of heroes seeming to be infalliable. I know if I saw a horde coming after me, I might consider some of the options she did. As for your questions, you aren't supposed to know yet whose soldiers those are. Magic in this realm is quite dangerous. There's different kinds, but they all stem from a singular idea. "Power doesn't come without a price." Victoria and James are actually going to be main characters. Victoria is planned to be the one to lead the rebellion, and thus become the antagonist (As this story is about a villain) If you have any other questions I'd be more than happy to answer them. c: I like the idea of magic being inherently dangerous/prohibitively costly in one resource or another. We got that sort of flavor with Riska--drawing blood is serious business. You could further explore this by not just having magic being expensive (hemically speaking) but also have it take a mental toll--or only able to be sustained by a young and strong body. Some sort of limiter to stop wizards from absolutely establishing a mage-ocracy, eh. Asshats. The more limitations that are imposed on a magical system, the more fleshed out and interesting it becomes to a reader--and also keeps the drama of conflict intact--nobody automatically wins just because they have magic. As for your villain protagonist--if you haven't already, take a gander: tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/XanatosGambitI can't wait to read your latest stuff--too much to hope to meet the villain soon? All the best! Charlie |
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Post by wandofeternity on Aug 21, 2016 14:45:37 GMT
The next thing I post is actually going to feature him. Possibly him interacting with Victoria as well.
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Post by eldercheese on Aug 22, 2016 19:35:14 GMT
Sup dude glad to see you posted charlie told me a bit about this story so I'm looking forward to reading it the real question is when. I just downloaded it so soon I hope, charlie says its good so I can't wait to dig in.
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