Deal With the Devil Story - "Jump"

[justin1023]

Hey all, 

I've got two specific concerns here in this story (well three really):

1) Is the concept explained well enough (jump allows your conscious to access other, parallel lives)?
2) Is the ending too abrupt and did the memories being forced into Tyler's brain feel too...convenient?

Any other feedback is very welcome as well!

Thanks!

Attachments:

Jump.pdf (96.99 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Aug 22, 2016 17:20:41 GMT justin1023 said:

Hey all, 

I've got two specific concerns here in this story (well three really):

1) Is the concept explained well enough (jump allows your conscious to access other, parallel lives)?
2) Is the ending too abrupt and did the memories being forced into Tyler's brain feel too...convenient?

Any other feedback is very welcome as well!

Thanks!

Charlies Jump Edits.pdf (109.53 KB)



Justin:

I was so excited to see this tie-in to your earlier screenplay--you weren't kidding when you said we'd see the messenger boy again, were you? And as the star of his own standalone piece, too. I love that you're combining your western minimalism with multiverse theory and drug-running. Now, to answer your questions:


Concept: You start out in-media-res and slowly tease out the concept of Jump. It makes sense and is expanded upon logically--a drug boom that grows despite killing it's users in this timeline that manages to grow where misery is a bumper crop. It makes sense it would take root in the border towns--it reminds me of the crack epidemic in the 80s--increasingly draconian measures being taken once the drug hits the middle class but the lower-class can go hang, the hardest hit communities. The worldbuilding is solid--the until 18 bracelets, the rapid responders on speed-dial--but my favorite was the diner sign 'One life' with the F scratched out. That's getting the most out of your environment and using it to further your story--showing the push and pull of the conflict and then have the characters exemplify that tension.

Ending: The ending could have been a giant throbbing clusterfuck but you really sold it. I mean, anything with dimension hopping can be tricky unless you set up rules--which you do.
Afterall, as Mel said (I love that name, by the way--short and clipped and only a syllable away from 'mal'--prefix for bad, malicious etc--always a good thought to subliminally plant in your reader's mind) Jump isn't a time machine. You need to pick a moment, focus on it, and deviate. Then you go to the result of said deviation. You do a good job explaining this rather arcane process through showing Tyler's thoughts and feelings, with assists being provided by Eddie and Mel. The ending makes sense to me--and holds true to one of the rules of making a deal with the devil--you get EXACTLY what you ask for--but there is no guarantee of you keeping it, or being satisfied.
On this note, your story delivers--we know Tyler is incredibly niave about choice. His memories getting dumped into his head raises one question for me: why does he still have memories of jump? It could allow for more pathos--the memories devouring the old Tyler, and idea of life outside of a prison cell--but they are jumbled as they vanished, so the reader knows what's going on. Just an idea.

See my line notes for more details--but great first draft, man! Can't wait to see more of this verse!

Charlie