Amanda vs. the Universe

[Julia]

I've tried to tell this story almost entirely through dialogue.  Would love to know what you think of the narrator.  I tried to subtly reveal things about her, but worry I might have been too subtle.


Amandavs_20160909.pdf (93.42 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Wonderful! I'll have some comments up tomorrow at latest!

[Charlie Allison]

Sept 12, 2016 16:12:59 GMT Julia said:

I've tried to tell this story almost entirely through dialogue.  Would love to know what you think of the narrator.  I tried to subtly reveal things about her, but worry I might have been too subtle.


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Julia:

Some thoughts.

-Dialogue: For the most part, your dialogue is bang on. You are able to capture the mood beautifully: and do it largely without descriptors. You capture the crystalline-woo of Amanda beautifully, without descriptors and give here a unique vocal pattern that will be familiar to your readers.
-Therapy: a GREAT storytelling device. I love that, like previous drafts, you keep it largely off-screen--that adds to the 'shopping for therapists'theme--it's almost horse trading, the way your write it. It emphasizes Amanda's shallowness and refusal to change--what matters is the APPEARANCE of change.
-Showing, not telling. We never need to SEE Amanda in therapy--we see her unique blend of passive-aggression, woo-beliefs and social awkwardness first hand through the narrator. Amanda has a habit of being accidentally perceptive, saying:

“You never even ask me to go to dinner,” Amanda said. “Did you notice that? It’s
always drinks.”

The audience (and the narrator) is probably thinking 'and there is a good reason for that--who can handle Amanda without alcohol?'. A good job of letting the audience fill in the blanks intuitively. I have this image of the narrator being summed up in a quote from Gene Wilder: (Completely deadpan) "Oh no. Stop. Wait. Come back." filling in the reason why the narrator deals with Amanda. She's going through the motions, sticking to the form of 'that's what friends do' sort of thing--and we get that sense without her having to hammer it in or even THINK this to the audience. Nice work.


Ending--
I don't object to the idea of ending with a therapy session with Dr. Berg--but I want clarity as to what it accomplishes.Is the idea that the narrator is worried she is becoming more like Amanda--hence the final line:

I nodded but wasn’t sure she saw. She was still writing on her pad even as I closed the
door behind me.

That sort of delayed, drawn out fear (becoming the thing you disliked) is a really subtle move. I love it, in that it replicates life and actual development. Is that what the reader is meant to take from the ending? If so, great! If not...hmmm.
I kind of imagined, at the break before the therapist wrap-up, a Russian-style dark one liner, something like: Amanda may have left me to the universe, but she left the Universe with a handful of sleeping pills in a tub two weeks later.
That being said, I think your ending can work fine--it's in keeping with the themes of form, pretense and social structure that we all use to stay sane while quietly going out of our minds.
I think that this is probably ready to go out, but that's just an opinion. Great work

[eldercheese]

I really did enjoy this story, I am a sucker for dialogue I really enjoyed how you captured Amanda's mania without have to resort to her raving or jabbering wildly. I also enjoyed the narrator and their discomfort and their awkwardness as they tried to be a friend. Its a tough place to be in, trying to help a friend and not being able. Loosing them slowly and not being able to stop it. I felt the (SPOILERS) reveal of Amanda's suicide was a touch abrupt. I felt it was heading that way but it felt a bit like a bit of a jump.

Awesome work thanks for sharing it

[scarycanary]

Holy crap, that was a bit of a ride. I really enjoyed it though It's got this really great story about mental illness told a lot through very brief conversations and I think it's brilliant. Keep up the good work!

[Julia]

Sept 14, 2016 14:07:07 GMT Charlie Allison said:

I don't object to the idea of ending with a therapy session with Dr. Berg--but I want clarity as to what it accomplishes.Is the idea that the narrator is worried she is becoming more like Amanda--hence the final line:

I nodded but wasn’t sure she saw. She was still writing on her pad even as I closed the
door behind me.

That sort of delayed, drawn out fear (becoming the thing you disliked) is a really subtle move. I love it, in that it replicates life and actual development. Is that what the reader is meant to take from the ending? If so, great! If not...hmmm.

Thanks everyone!  I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond!

In reference to the ending, I didn't really write it with any intent in mind (which is why I love feedback).  I did kind of want the story to turn so that the reader wonders about the narrator more than Amanda.