So getting back into the whole writing habit has been a bit difficult for me between work and school, so my loving habit has suffered. After a bit of meditating, I kinda wrote this as an homage to one of my favorite scenes from John Wick. This is probably the first in a series of small stories that'll involve these characters.
docs.google.com/document/d/1SktPKuVqaijzjXFeWSiuwIK8_Ar7_x1BWE4PEnRiwbU/edit?usp=sharingLet me know what you guys think, I love to hear feedback!
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Zombie:
I love the shift towards dialogue you're making in this latest piece. I suspect I might recognize the sullen boy who Gideon tears a metaphorical new one--Lon, the Androgynous Human Threshing Machine?--but I digress. It's clear in Tears of Diana (if this is a snippet, then perhaps the rest will explain the title) is meant to follow the boy, at least in part.
Strengths of the story:--Gideon has a distinctive voice. He sounds like everyone's jerkass older brother or father if you're inspired by JOHN WICK--he might bust your balls but he won't let you come to TOO serious harm--probably. You do a fantastic job with his dialogue--lines like this:
You get a sense of him as an established kingpin, desperately trying to do damage control when one of his booby underlings fucks the dog publicly. He clearly has some largesse (champagne as a symbol of status).
--Storytelling through dialogue:
This scene is an extended monologue--the kid doesn't get to say more than a few words before being slapped down. This is an exciting style of telling a story and different from the more linear narratives I've read from Zombie. It demonstrates pacing, and allows the tension surrounding the boy's error to rise.
Questions:
Without knowing the scene is inspired from John Wick, we don't quite have the sense of why Gideon, this ultra-competent mob-boss, is letting some schmuck henchman off the hook. Why does he not throw the boy out to the cold? What is his relationship to the boy--a protective brother, a cousin, a father, a family friend? You don't need to beat us over the head with it--a stray thought, a photo on the desk of Gideon and the boy's father, whatever--a hint at their relationship will do a lot to add tension to the narrative.
Does Luna need the additional nickname? It isn't used terribly much in the story after being introduced and could be cut without much cut. Rather than introducing Luna so soon, perhaps wait till page three to name drop Luna--it sounds like the boy had made enough fuckups to warrant a couple pages of ball-busting.
Luna's rep: The smart thing, as far as Luna is concerned, might be to hold off on him until we've firmly established, as readers, what the boy has done and just how badly he's messed up. Then, maybe drop the bomb that he effectively shat on the front porch of Death Fucking Incarnate while jerking it screaming lewd things about Death's sister. Gideon's stories about Luna are good ones (i've marked that this is the part where the story really kicks in) and help set the mood.
Suggestions:
Chronology: Maybe start the story ten minutes early?: Gideon coming into his stronghold, being told that the boy is waiting for him in his office--two men with tarps standing menacingly at the door or something--and bracing himself, pre-performance. Showing the possible stakes of the boy failing--build the tension. Watch Gideon put on his 'game face'.
Build tension: Show the boy's reactions to Gideons pronouncements--twitching toes, a edgy and impatient eye, clicking tongues, something to show us he's feeling pressured or afraid--it gives us as readers permission to feel afraid for him.
This kind of goes hand and hand with the above, but show us the inside of Gideons office. Let us get to know him by what he keeps around--are they in his office in a high-rise? A safehouse in the suburbs? An abandoned factory? Location can give us a clue to tone, mood and probable outcome.
What is Luna's background: this is a distinct question--it's implied there is something not exactly RIGHT about Luna. He unsettles people, he's unnerving and what is known seems to point to him being the last of his kind--a handy myth. Maybe have us peak inside Gideon's head about Luna as he introduces him--saying the less that is known about him the less likely he is to end up on his bad side or something--or give him a multiple choice past.
Zombie, this is a fantastic first draft!I can't wait to read more--you have some truly beautiful and elegant turns of phrase that sum up the whole situation, my favorite of course being:
Can't wait to see a second draft!
Charlie
