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Post by Charlie Allison on Sept 20, 2016 22:16:40 GMT
Well, here goes nothing. Dmitri is meant to be a bit of a cipher here. Hope this is enjoyable regardless--shitty rough draft aspect aside. Feedback needed and appreciated! Reinhart and Dmitri Lisit-za.pdf (71.06 KB) |
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Julia
New Member
Posts: 38 
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Post by Julia on Sept 21, 2016 16:27:47 GMT
Yay to seeing Dmitri again! I love the descriptions in the first few pages, the bespoke suit and the atmosphere of a night out on the town. "The slosh of displayed Neya water as people mounted cold-adapted hippopotomi-ferries made docile through strategic breeding and castration or hauled cargo into coracles." I enjoyed all the dirty looks Dmitri's refilling bottle got. Fantastic dialogue from Reinhart. It was great how he suddenly got all brisk and official when the Beaters showed up. "What red-blooded person would pass up a chance to see a crippled foe, dragging himself like a broken bird, expiring on your doorstep?" Is ‘quite-a-few’ one of those new numbers? You know, like the one between six and seven we’ve only just discovered? There did feel like a big shift halfway through from night out on the town to action-filled fight scene. I thought it was going to be the story of Dmitri and the Cat-Eyed Man, but we didn't get a lot of resolution on that. Why was Dmitri out with him? It started out from the Cat-Eyed Man's POV before going to Dmitri's, and I kind of expected to go back at some point. Since Reinhart has been following them the whole time, maybe we could see glimpses of him earlier. My other big question was why the Cat-Eyed Man was so easily fooled by Reinhart. Line notes attached. There were some places where I was confused about who was speaking or doing the actions described. JuliaComments_Reinhart and Dmitri Lisit-za.pdf (294.24 KB) |
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Post by justin1023 on Sept 21, 2016 19:51:30 GMT
Well, here goes nothing. Dmitri is meant to be a bit of a cipher here. Hope this is enjoyable regardless--shitty rough draft aspect aside. Feedback needed and appreciated! I echo Julia's celebration of Reinhart! Excited to see him again. Generally, when a character is introduced that late into the story, it doesn't work. But I think it works well for this story. We know pretty early that the Cat-eyed man is after Reinhart. Thus, we can suppose that Reinhart will eventually show up. I think you do such an impressive job in creating these confident, evil characters that have distinct voices. The Cat-eyed Man and Reinhart both have their own skills (or powers) and they are both cocky and powerful. Yet, the two of them are very clear in how they sound. I never found myself confused about who was speaking. And it wasn't the southern drawl that gave it away (although I do think you were trying to use that to help differentiate. Which leads me to: There's some instances of repetition you can probably lose n the story. Using "drawled" as a verb is a bit overused. Again, I think I know the goal, but I promise you that you've written it well enough that readers will easily be able to distinguish between Reinhart and the Cat-eyed Man. The description of Reinhart as the red-headed man is goo early, but after he's introduced in the story, you can probably lose it and just call him Reinhart. On the topic of POV, which Julia also brought up, I know you've done this in the past where a passive character is the one through which we see the story unfold. I think it works here to a certain extent. But this is only because we know Dmitri and we know about his bottomless jug of alcohol. (more on that in a minute). So, I wonder, if you were to reveal this story to someone who'd never heard of any of these characters (not that I expect that to be a goal of yours), would it work? I think it probably wouldn't. So, food for thought. I don't think you need to change it. I just wanted to point out that it works because we know Dmitri. I did notice the shift in POV that Julia mentioned as well. So, I'd say just go back through and double-check that all exposition comes from Dmitri's POV. Now, Dmitri's drink. Are you rewriting your own history here? Didn't Dmitri get the bottomless jug by wasting a house-warming wish with Tybalt back in Tempestia? Couple of questions about Reinhart in his authoritarian position when the Beaters and Collections come. Seems he's worked with them for a long time, but is that possible? Reinhart is nomadic by nature. I can't imagine him staying in a place long enough to become a lieutenant. I assume this might be explained elsewhere in your collection of stories, but I was curious. Also, does he intentionally alter the way he speaks to people when the Beaters and Collections come? I noticed him reduced to name-calling (even before they arrive). He calls the Cat-eyed Man "stupid" and he calls a soldier a "dimwit." As weird as it sounds, I think Reinhart is too eloquent to name call. That's all I got. Line notes attached. Great stuff, my friend! |
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