City under the Reeds (Tybalt/old-west genre piece)

[Charlie Allison]

so!
morti
god song in the starlight.
an enterprising necromancer
Commancheros.
(Atzlan is part of the Mexica founding myth--I took some liberties, because getting me away from mesoamerican motifs is about as unlikely as a Frenchman who lives next to a brothel picking up and leaving. It is described as a place of white-ness, which many scholars have taken to mean that egrets and herons frequented it, and i mixed that in with a belief that the Mexica marched out from a seven chambered cave to make an underwater necrobpolis).

I wrote this in response to a writing prompt to write a weird western story. I obliged, but I'm worried that this thing suffers from continuity errors, doesn't feel western, and lacks sympathetic characters. Any ideas, guys, on how to fix this?

Thanks, can't wait to see what you come up with!

Charlie

Attachments:

City in the Reeds.pdf (71.54 KB)

[justin1023]

Ah didn't realize you posted this. I could have given you my feedback here. But alas, you have it in old school email form.

[eldercheese]

As often happens with Charlie I read these off the site and forget to comment on the site. My main point is still the same I like it a lot but the ending seemed a little rushed.