|
Trap
Oct 13, 2016 16:18:01 GMT
Post by eldercheese on Oct 13, 2016 16:18:01 GMT
So I have a side project I have been working on for years. Lots of false starts and dead ends. I think I am finally on the right track but its still a side project. However I do try and work on it every now and then. Recently Charlie convinced me that one of the stories I wrote int he universe was worth polishing up... seems some light blacking followed and now I'm posting my rough as hell draft up here. I've given it a once over for all that means and I am currently overhauling some plot issues. If anyone has some in put I would love to hear it. The story over all is call Pariah and its a dark fantasy tale. In this little slice of life we follow a group of knights as they try desperately to save their comrade from terrible danger. So now weather its ready or not here it is Trap 2.pdf (86.74 KB)
|
|
|
Trap
Oct 13, 2016 21:39:54 GMT
Post by justin1023 on Oct 13, 2016 21:39:54 GMT
So I have a side project I have been working on for years. Lots of false starts and dead ends. I think I am finally on the right track but its still a side project. However I do try and work on it every now and then. Recently Charlie convinced me that one of the stories I wrote int he universe was worth polishing up... seems some light blacking followed and now I'm posting my rough as hell draft up here. I've given it a once over for all that means and I am currently overhauling some plot issues. If anyone has some in put I would love to hear it. The story over all is call Pariah and its a dark fantasy tale. In this little slice of life we follow a group of knights as they try desperately to save their comrade from terrible danger. So now weather its ready or not here it is There's something very detective noir about parts of this. It feels like a nice mash-up between medieval fantasy and a bit of detective fiction. After all, Davis is investigating the disappearance of his guy, and then he's investigating why his man was used as bait. So, onto my feedback! Let's start with some structural notes before I get into my story notes. For both ease of line notes from others, and because it's standard practice, you'll want to double space your stories. You'll notice my line notes are kind of crammed in because you have it single spaced right now. Also, you'll want to make sure you only do a single space after the end of a sentence. I remember back in high school having two spaces pounded into my brain, but that concept has all but been eliminated. You'll find when submitting stories, the standard is generally this: 12pt font (Times most likely) Double Spaced (line spacing) Single space after each sentence All right, story feedback time! I very much enjoyed the investigation and ultimate revelation of the Pariah. That moved well. It flowed. It kept me hooked. What pulled me out were the flashbacks. I think I understand their purpose. You wanted to give Kilton some characterization, but what happens is you pull the reader into another story (Kilton recounting his own debauchery) without an obvious connection to the main story. Of course, the obvious connection is Kilton and this is leading up to him standing guard so that he can eventually be taken. But it feels a bit unnecessary. Have you explored the story without the flashbacks? If you want to keep the flashbacks in, would it be better to show some links to the overall story through those flashbacks? Maybe, you could drop some hints that Kilton is setting himself up to be vulnerable. Maybe in his story he can reference those wanted posters for the Pariah. I think we need some larger connection if you're going to keep the flashbacks. This leads me to the idea that we even need characterization from Kilton. The story is told from Davis's perspective. I'd actually like to get a little more insight into who he is. There's a lot of focus on Kilton, and I feel like I know who we was quite well. Davis, though, he just feels like a soldier. Don't let these notes distract from the fact that I think you've got a really solid story here. The kidnapping, the bait, the attack at the end—it's all great storytelling. I was totally hooked (while those scenes were happening). I think you've got an oppotunity to keep people hooked even more if you work on some of your phrasing. There are many passive sections (things happening to characters rather than characters taking action). For example, if someone thinks of something, rather than the thought coming to them, say "they thought..." I hope that makes sense. Those active sentences will go a long way in improving the flow. Good job on this draft! I hope my notes help. *Oddly, the PDF is too large to attach here, so I uploaded my line notes to Google Drive. You can grab the PDF here: drive.google.com/file/d/0BxZTRADyykFOd2diLW1qd0N0Z28/view?usp=sharing
|
|
|
Post by eldercheese on Oct 17, 2016 3:55:33 GMT
Hey man huge thank you for the edits they help a lot. I have not had time to go over them due to... well shit happening in my life atm. But I hope to look at it soon. Again thank you man means a lot
|
|
|
Trap
Oct 21, 2016 18:31:26 GMT
Post by eldercheese on Oct 21, 2016 18:31:26 GMT
Oh goodness life has been busy but I have started the edits at last after that comes the real struggle the plot edits. Also I should get back to work before my boss finds me slacking off
|
|
|
Post by eldercheese on Oct 28, 2016 4:12:53 GMT
Finally done the mechanical edits, now to start on the harder part, the edits that actually make the plot and story work as a story -_- lovely
Obviously I joke it should be fun.
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 6, 2016 23:10:02 GMT
Post by eldercheese on Nov 6, 2016 23:10:02 GMT
Ok so I am currently extracting the flashbacks and putting it into one story. I'm toying with a different beginning at the moment that foreshadows the Pariah's arrival and the strange mound they find her in. I hope to have this up in a day or two... maybe tonight if my focus holds.
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 7, 2016 14:12:51 GMT
Post by justin1023 on Nov 7, 2016 14:12:51 GMT
Ok so I am currently extracting the flashbacks and putting it into one story. I'm toying with a different beginning at the moment that foreshadows the Pariah's arrival and the strange mound they find her in. I hope to have this up in a day or two... maybe tonight if my focus holds. I think that's the right way to go. It's going to flow so much better in that linear form. Excited to read the edits!
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 7, 2016 18:35:23 GMT
Post by eldercheese on Nov 7, 2016 18:35:23 GMT
Ok so here is the quick update, mostly the same story with the flashback removed and a few things added and removed. I added a little to hopefully foreshadow the coming events may be to much who knows. TrapTestEdits.pdf (78.44 KB)
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 9, 2016 18:47:51 GMT
Post by Charlie Allison on Nov 9, 2016 18:47:51 GMT
Ok so here is the quick update, mostly the same story with the flashback removed and a few things added and removed. I added a little to hopefully foreshadow the coming events may be to much who knows. View AttachmentEliot: A wonderful draft. While I loved the characterization you gave Kilton in your first draft, I think this is a stronger story without him. You capture an eerie feeling throughout this piece through a lot of sensory cues. The tap-tapping of the blade, the glowing of the runes, the wanted poster--all add to the atmosphere of the piece. And because this is effectively one long, drawn out scene with the occasional framing device, these touches bring it alive. I have attached my line notes--underlined segments are things I would seriously consider removing. I've removed a lot of your 'ands' among other things and added a few commas. Take a look below. Charlies Trap Edits D2.pdf (83.5 KB)
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 9, 2016 19:58:01 GMT
Post by eldercheese on Nov 9, 2016 19:58:01 GMT
Thanks man I'll be looking over it soon as I can. Glad its working better now. I just wonder what Justin thinks now.
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 26, 2016 3:56:36 GMT
Post by justin1023 on Nov 26, 2016 3:56:36 GMT
Thanks man I'll be looking over it soon as I can. Glad its working better now. I just wonder what Justin thinks now. Hey Eliot, Much improved man! This flows so much better. I feel like I'm right there in the story now. It gives me an almost panicky feeling to be in the moment with the men as they're realizing they lost someone, realizing it must be a trap, and finally discovering the trap. I think the structure is really working now, so some of the finer points: You'll see a quick improvement in both pacing and the feel of the story if you switch a lot of your passive phrases to active. I tried to mark a bunch in my notes, but I know I missed some. So, easy way to find these phrases is anytime something is happening to your character rather than your character taking action, that's passive. Example: Davis’s head snapped up Well, it didn't really, right? He actually lifted it up to look at something. Do you see what I mean? One other thing, I'd suggest scaling back are the rhetorical questions. A few are ok, but there are quite a bit in here. So, I'd say take a look at them and turn about half into statements. Shouldn't take too much effort to re-work the sentence into a statement. I didn't hit the grammar too much since Charlie had that covered well in his line notes, but I hope my notes help, man. This is really getting close. You've got a great story here, an intense lead-up, a good battle, and a wonderful villain. This is submission worthy after you work through another draft or so! Attachments:TrapTestEdits.pdf (348.52 KB)
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 27, 2016 19:22:26 GMT
Post by Charlie Allison on Nov 27, 2016 19:22:26 GMT
Thanks man I'll be looking over it soon as I can. Glad its working better now. I just wonder what Justin thinks now. Hey Eliot, Much improved man! This flows so much better. I feel like I'm right there in the story now. It gives me an almost panicky feeling to be in the moment with the men as they're realizing they lost someone, realizing it must be a trap, and finally discovering the trap. I think the structure is really working now, so some of the finer points: You'll see a quick improvement in both pacing and the feel of the story if you switch a lot of your passive phrases to active. I tried to mark a bunch in my notes, but I know I missed some. So, easy way to find these phrases is anytime something is happening to your character rather than your character taking action, that's passive. Example: Davis’s head snapped up Well, it didn't really, right? He actually lifted it up to look at something. Do you see what I mean? One other thing, I'd suggest scaling back are the rhetorical questions. A few are ok, but there are quite a bit in here. So, I'd say take a look at them and turn about half into statements. Shouldn't take too much effort to re-work the sentence into a statement. I didn't hit the grammar too much since Charlie had that covered well in his line notes, but I hope my notes help, man. This is really getting close. You've got a great story here, an intense lead-up, a good battle, and a wonderful villain. This is submission worthy after you work through another draft or so! Eliot: I just finished reading this aloud and examining Justin's edits. Good news first: This thing is a lot more streamlined than previous iterations. We get a feeling of urgency from Davis, the clenching of stomach muscles. You do a great job of making little details haul a lot of weight--the wanted posters in the beginning help establish so many things in only a few sentences: 1) What sort of world this is (Feudal/magical pre-industrial) 2) The sort of people who would be wanted in such a society (druids, recluses and otherworldly mages) 3) Foreshadows the Pariah's arrival--like Davis, we are mentally going through the 'suspects' list as Davis is paralyzed--wondering and fearing and sharing his feelings--a major accomplishment. Stylistic stuff: You have a tendency for long sentences and while those can work on the page, they tend to make things harder to perform in person. By altering sentence length, you influence pacing and allow the reader/listener (not to mention your tongue and voicebox!) a moment to catch up with your world. Let's talk more tonight, eh? Trap D.3 Charlie Edits Read-aloud.pdf (78.83 KB)
|
|
|
Trap
Nov 27, 2016 21:39:52 GMT
Post by eldercheese on Nov 27, 2016 21:39:52 GMT
thanks a lot guys I have not been able to read the edits yet (Holidays are crazy). But I'm going to go over it tonight with charlie I think maybe throw up another draft in a day or two, if all goes well.
|
|
|
Trap
Dec 5, 2016 19:20:09 GMT
Post by eldercheese on Dec 5, 2016 19:20:09 GMT
Okay just got done a read though with charlie and did a lot of edits on this thing and I think its looking pretty good. I need to do a few other things but for some reason I cannot edit the damn thing on my chrome book -_- Trap D.4 Post read-aloud.pdf (98.4 KB) hopefully this is cleaned up and ready to go out to publication.
|
|
|
Trap
Dec 5, 2016 22:03:10 GMT
Post by justin1023 on Dec 5, 2016 22:03:10 GMT
Okay just got done a read though with charlie and did a lot of edits on this thing and I think its looking pretty good. I need to do a few other things but for some reason I cannot edit the damn thing on my chrome book -_- hopefully this is cleaned up and ready to go out to publication. Eliot, I've got some good news for you. I have no story elements to focus on. That means you've nailed the flow and the story. This is right where it needs to be. However, it is not ready to go out for publication. But—more good news—you've got easy fixes. We're talking about surface level errors, formatting, etc. I've marked everything I could find in my line notes. You'll see they are extensive. Please don't take that to mean you shit all over the page. Instead, I wanted to catch every little thing with the belief that if you correct these things, you'll be ready to submit this bad dog. Great job taking this from what it was to what it is now. I know you worked hard. And I know it's been a long time coming, but you're almost there! Oh! And I saw you have a Chromebook, so I'm uploading a PDF of my line notes, but I'll also link to your story in Google Docs. I moved it there and formatted it properly (double spaced, no extra space between paragraphs, indentation, 12 pt font, Times New Roman). Feel free to grab a copy from there if you're using Google Docs for your writing: docs.google.com/document/d/1P8bC3vCYAbcSyfVZoZfBfEMJSiFUu9FQbtmpgpuV2Gc/edit?usp=sharingAgain, line notes are in the PDF, though. Attachments:Untitleddocument.pdf (702.67 KB)
|
|