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Post by eldercheese on Oct 15, 2016 17:10:42 GMT
So I put this in final drafts when we first launched this site. I think that was party due to a desire for it to be done, and to have something done on the site. This is part one "The Grey City" and it according to charlie can stand alone... but he says a lot of things. It is the set up to the parts that follow. I am posting this because I feel the beginnings of the third party coming to me now. Creepily it comes to me mostly in the early morning hours before I got to bed. Normally as I lay awake trying to sleep little bits of this world come to me. If it was not happening I would say its a clique and a silly one at that but here we are. TheGreyCity.pdf (70.93 KB) I have another part that I need to once over again before throwing it up here. Its very rough but I'm excited for it. OK so here is a very rough cut of part two. TheBrightLady.pdf (79.96 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Mar 10, 2017 18:36:38 GMT
Hey guys I know a lot of yo-u are busy with your thesis's and what not but if anyone has a chance could you talk a look at the first part of this. Its the story I want to put up on my site for everyone that comes to see.
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Post by justin1023 on Mar 16, 2017 1:35:07 GMT
Hey guys I know a lot of yo-u are busy with your thesis's and what not but if anyone has a chance could you talk a look at the first part of this. Its the story I want to put up on my site for everyone that comes to see. Shoot man, I missed this back in October when you posted it. I'm halfway through now. Should have line notes and feedback up tomorrow.
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Post by eldercheese on Mar 16, 2017 17:43:06 GMT
Oh awesome man thanks a bunch I've been a bit quiet here lately to but that's because I'm in the middle of a bunch of things atm. You know how it goes.
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Post by justin1023 on Mar 16, 2017 21:23:34 GMT
Oh awesome man thanks a bunch I've been a bit quiet here lately to but that's because I'm in the middle of a bunch of things atm. You know how it goes. All right, finished! I think I have some stuff that will help you in this. First, I agree with Charlie. This can certainly be a standalone story. It needs some work to get there, but you've got yourself the framework. You did a great job setting me in this world. Post-apocalyptic, dark. Strange tower not eh horizon that seems to contain the only remaining light. That had me hooked. Raya as a character is interesting as well despite not doing much to garner that feeling (if that makes any sense). This is a good thing because it means you have the opportunity to make her even better. So, with that, let me try to segment my feedback as best as possible: The PlotI think this story needs to have a lot of the exposition cut or replaced with exposition that helps build Raya as a character. I think it's helpful if I break down what happens in the story as I read it. Raya sees the tower, has seen it for a long time. She goes out into the city and gets close to the tower. She goes home. She does this over and over, getting closer and closer. Then she arrives and runs away. The end (which we'll talk more about) doesn't make it clear if she's going back to the tower or running away. So, first suggestion: Start this story with Raya deciding she's going all the way to the story. That gives you the chance to send her out into the unforgiving world with a real mission. It also allows you to still introduce the reader to the world as she's making her trek. This will significantly cut down your story—probably to five or six pages. BUT, you can replace those pages that were cut with additional conflict. As it stands now, the conflict is the world, right? She is not presented with any specific challenges. Is there a group of people that don't want her to make it? Does the tower itself have protections that she must circumnavigate? What's the hurdle she needs to clear besides her own fear? This leads to Raya. Character DevelopmentThe other thing you can replace those cut pages with is more about Raya. She can be developed so much more and you'll have a really special character if you do that. I know this is part of something larger, but if you are going to submit this story as a standalone, we need a reason to care about Raya. Who is she? Where did she come from? Where are her family members? Why does she get out of bed each day? I know you have these answers in your head, but you want to sprinkle them throughout the story. Don't do an info dump though. It needs to be natural. She finds the red cloth and she remembers the blood pluming from her father's chest after he'd been shoot during the last push to save their world. Or she picks up a wrapper that reminders her of the way her mother used to put store-bought dinner on the table and pretend she'd cooked it. Raya of course never let on that she knew it came from the store. Things like that. The EndingAfter Raya finally goes to the tower, there's this anticlimactic (and confusing) moment where she thinks she will go in, and only when her anxiety is too much will she run away. Except, she runs away without ever going in, and we're immediately back into the cycle of her returning home and thinking about how she's called to the tower. Then, the actual ending is ambiguous. She's running away...or is she running toward her calling? Is she going to the tower. I don't think we need to have a detailed understanding of what the tower is in this story, but I do think we have to have a detailed understanding of what the tower means to Raya. With that, you can craft the ending to either let her get what she wants, or you can crush her dreams. Either one will leave the reader satisfied if the reader knows what this tower represents to her. I hope this and the line notes help man! Good job in the world building here! Attachments:TheGreyCity.pdf (713.4 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Mar 17, 2017 4:24:16 GMT
The struggle with Lights that I have is the nature of who I know Raya to be and what I know is going to happen. The tower itself to Raya in this story is a massive unknown and a tidal pull. The conflict is the world but even more so the conflict is Raya herself. There is suppose to be a touch of the unnatural with how her basic needs are provided for and how she alone has managed to survive. Its suppose to hit at a greater world and some weirdness. Thansk for the feed back I'll dig in as soon as I can, I should really reread part two I kind of wrote that very quickly a long time ago.
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Post by eldercheese on Jun 24, 2017 15:56:28 GMT
I am annoyed that I haven't made time to work on this yet after all the good feed back I got to. I feel so lame lol.
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Post by justin1023 on Jun 26, 2017 13:10:26 GMT
I am annoyed that I haven't made time to work on this yet after all the good feed back I got to. I feel so lame lol. Time is always the enemy, my friend. Battle it, do not surrender to it
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Post by eldercheese on Jun 30, 2017 21:01:54 GMT
Yeah hopefully this weekend will work for me but on the good news I am five chapters away from finishing my first draft of a novel.
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Post by eldercheese on Jul 9, 2017 20:25:16 GMT
I did it I did the mechanical edits. At the moment I am considering if I want to try and force it into a short stand alone or continue forward as a series of connected shorts. I have the first draft of the second part written out already (The Bright Lady). So really I have to consider if the edits needed to make it work as a stand alone will hurt it as a hole work. Anyways here are the edit I did so far now back to my brooding tower to think on things. TheLightsattheEndoftheWorld.pdf (68.21 KB)
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