The Mother's burden

[scarycanary]

We find out more about Luna's past with this piece. These little stories are designed for me to really see who the characters are and how they react to certain situations. Why not post them and see what you guys think?


docs.google.com/document/d/1yGnr4Gdo3RQR33K3MMlJeWzlJQvUZoSO90V0e_BeibU/edit?usp=sharing

[Charlie Allison]

Felix:

So, I have some thoughts on this. You generally do a good job setting the stage--great use of details in describing the temple of Diena and integrating the flashbacks with the current architecture--it feels natural and helps pace this chapter quite well. There is one exception though:


"“Be careful, my daughter. He has the heart of a wild beast, and the ferocity of a moon-hunter,” Abbi pulled away from the woman and shook her head. “I fear you are chasing the embodiment of The Tyrant.”
I think this line is one of the few I would cut, and I'll tell you why. It relegates to dialogue a feeling we're starting to get about Luna from Taliya--that he's more than he seems, he's eerie and a little intimidating even in memory. Having Abbi tell Taliya this seems like overkill--you can have the two exchange a look (you hint this is an argument they have had before--you can replace the above line with a knowing look or Taliya thinking: Taliya knew that look. Abbi had always been leery of Luna, even as a child, saying something was 'off' about him, even going so far as to say that there was something of the Tyrant about the boy. She was wrong of course, but Taliya hadn't forgotten.' or something like that.

One thing though--I would suggest writing with Hemingway's maxim in mind: never write about the problem directly. Skirt around it, avoid it, let maybe a toe peak out from the shadows. Play around with it a bit, like a cat with a bird. See what you can imply, rather than state.

Otherwise a solid first draft that has a solid hook and makes me want to know more! can't wait to read more, good buddy.

[eldercheese]

I think I have frothed and raved at you about this already. This cut is longer then the one I read but still just as solid. I'm going to sit on my thoughts for a while maybe reread it. Then when you least expect it I'll start shrieking my opinions at you. most likely just before you go to sleep.