A Slowly Sliding Scale

[wandofeternity]

Here's something else for you guys. This one finally features the villain that is technically the protagonist of the novel I'm writing.

A Slowly Sliding Scale.odt (27.91 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

I was really excited to read this--you've talked with real passion about this character during our conversations at Otakon
Telling: I think you do a good enough job with the character himself and his monologue to make the first 2/3rds of a page largely unnecessary. We can see his moral conflict--his calculation of casualties, the fallout of failed policies, the position of having no good options, only options...a political situation, in other words. I don't think you need to balance the 'grey morality speech' at the beginning--what about giving that content to one of the man's advisors, mentors or father figures? It's not bad writing, and if spaced out can serve as a meditation on philosophy, an excerpt from a paper, or a framing device. You can even give his advisor a line like: 'You can be a good man, or you can do what has to get done.' or some other gruffly pragmatic chestnut--which sums up some of the conflict in the plague scenario.
You've got yourself a ticking time bomb type scenario:

“On the other hand,” -his fingers picked up another piece, moving it opposite the previous one- “Not taking the city means the plague could reach out and infect the rest of the empire.” This, more than anything seemed to cause the most emotion to be expressed on his face. The man leaned back, away from the chessboard and began to massage his temples. His fingers made soothing concentric circles as he sat there, staring intently at the board."

My question: what does he have that makes the spread of plague impossible once his troops control it? Will he impose martial law? a quarantine? You've already noted that one of the things that drive this character crazy is knowing that the plague COULD be magicked away--but for some reason, isn't--hinting at a very good reason the scholars and mages would prefer to die than use arcane solutions. That's a fascinating bit of deduction, and anchors us in your world--it is VERY possible to have a world where magic and realpolitick intersect in fascinating ways.

Dialogue: Your protagonist is an chessmaster, figuratively and literally, stuck in a difficult problem. He is torn between not knowing enough, knowing just enough, and being confronted by unknown variables--and thats before you factor morality into it. Perhaps, if he follows the train of logic 'the fate of the many is better than the rights of the few', he will ultimately conclude that the moral thing to do is to put the entire city of Fairhaven to the torch--preventing the plague from spreading.
At any rate, he's a troubled man--having Caulenel, who appears in a bit part, taking an expanded part is an option. Afterall, this is a high-pressure situation. It makes sense for him to be taking counsel with his advisors, conferring with generals or talking about logistics of each approach (military, guileful, etc.) with an adjutant, who feeds him new data on each option and why its not ideal.

Sitting in a room talking to himself hints that he's further gone than he acts--maybe split this into two scenes? In the first scene he's brainstorming with his advisors/generals/assistant/whatever--hell, if you want to make him sinister-ish, maybe his plainclothes spies, coming to him with their reports of Fairhaven first hand, providing him a long, invisible hand and setting him up as a formidable and competent character who's on the up-and-up on current events.
Damn, that was a run-on-sentence on my part. Sorry about that.


“Damnation.” The words came out as a hiss, refined syllables lilting over the pronunciation of the word. A rook took a pawn, being set to the side. “If we take the city by force, the repercussions could be catastrophic.



Name: I like this story a lot, but one thing puzzled me, and it's a small thing. Why is the character unnamed? Is this going to be a reveal later in your work--but it's only him and Caulenel in the story--why the secrecy? I'm sure you have your reasons, it just knocked me a bit out of the experience is all. Maybe give him a demo name--you can always change it later, right?

All those things being said, I love your use of vocabulary--this feels very different, distinguishable from the style in which the other chapter was written. It feels ornate, multifaceted--a reflection on it's central character.

Check my line notes below! Can't wait to read more




A Slowly Sliding Scale Charlies Edits and L....pdf (76.98 KB)