How to be a Man

[justin1023]

Hey all, 

I haven't wrote anything in a  while since I've been in total revision mode on my novel. But I just wrote this. It's three pages, just over 1000 words. I broke the cardinal rule of writing, and wrote it in second person. Would love to know what you all think. 

Thanks!

Attachments:

HowtobeaMan.pdf (37.35 KB)

[eldercheese]

yeah its really odd reading a story in second person. It makes it feel oddly second hand I guess. I'm likely going to have to look over this one again because reading it felt odd. The second person made it feel very much like a story that was passed down or not strictly true like maybe a fable. Like I said I need to mull over this one a bit.

[Charlie Allison]

Jan 2, 2017 19:05:17 GMT justin1023 said:

Hey all, 

I haven't wrote anything in a  while since I've been in total revision mode on my novel. But I just wrote this. It's three pages, just over 1000 words. I broke the cardinal rule of writing, and wrote it in second person. Would love to know what you all think. 

Thanks!

Second person is tough style to work right. I imagine your narrator telling this story at a bar (not really, but the tone is similar to spoken word storytelling--the use of 'You' forces the audience to re-immerse themselves in each instance instead of the more faceless 'I').The story you're writing, telling here, is deeply personal--both to the implied author and the actual protagonist.
So, before I really dig into the second person thing (lets say the short version of my comments boils down to this: If this is for the reading, its the perfect format as it lends itself to performance--if you're shopping it around, maybe create a first or third person version as a backup, just in case--it also would allow you to double your submission ratio).

Hells, I'm distracted today. Plot points:


- Transitions. The father has a good sense of his son's frustrations--of not having enough. My suggestion is to add a line or two about the boy's post-high-school career. It goes from him talking about social justice to him just snapping and trying to rip off a neighbor. That's an oversimplification of a complex situation, but I think maybe you could add a few lines like: 'There were hints at dissatisfaction--unemployed at twenty, no college in sight either. It reminds you of him in the less bright moments in high school but you tell yourself he's past that, you can be proud of him...'
Then the shit hits the fan.
-Circles. There is an opportunity here, I think, if you choose to expand this or want to add a more tactile element to the story. Maybe something like 'Held him in your arms. Felt his hand tighten around your finger, three times in succession.' Then bring it back when he drops his son off in Nogales--a goodbye hug or handshake where the boys hand shakes like it did when he was an infant?
This is aesthetic edit, but it provides a physical trigger and a definite sign to the audience that the man's last duty as a father has been fulfilled--even if he broke the first vow he ever made to his son to save his future.

You use simple language to convey complex emotions, expectations, ideals. The idea of non-toxic masculinity, of ethical and applicable stoic virtues--is conveyed quite well indeed. The last lines are beautiful and sum up everything clearly and elegantly--worth pasting here:

"You taught him to be a man. But you didn’t care about him being a man that night. All you cared about was him being your son."