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Post by Charlie Allison on Jan 13, 2017 17:31:30 GMT
Oh boy. We're introducing the Penthics here. Let me know what you think. This version is RIDDLED with errors but there you go. Charlie Humboldt and the Deep Diver.pdf (58.06 KB) |
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Post by justin1023 on Jan 13, 2017 19:22:32 GMT
Oh boy. We're introducing the Penthics here. Let me know what you think. This version is RIDDLED with errors but there you go. Charlie Alright! We've got a squid deep-sea diving with humans. I dig it. The world it entirely there. Not surprising, right? This is what you do. And since this is really Humboldt's story, the characterization is there. I don't think you need anything more for him. So, the good news is, I think this story just needs some pacing and clarification help—basically, plot fixes. First, let me summarize what I think I know happened: 1) Humboldt escorts humans onto the diver for a cargo run 2) He gets a translator box, but he doesn't know it's a translator 3) The ship crashes* 4) Captain dies 5) Humboldt must try to escape glimmer-carchadons and strangle kelp 6) He decides to help the humans because one is trapped* 7) They escape and resurface* I've added asterisks to the plot points that I don't completely understand. We'll go in order, though. The story really begins once Humboldt and the humans are already on the ship, right? Do we need so much up front about the commander? Commander Calathir plays the role of angry captain who will "turn this ship around if those damn kids don't stop talking." But that's a minor role, not one that I think needs to be introduced right away. What if you give us Humboldt starting on page two around here: The human passengers piled on, and Calathir launched the deep diver back into the ocean.
It would take a bit of rework on the intro to make sure the world building elements are there, but it cuts out what right now feels necessary and actually a bit confusing. Which brings me to two points of confusion that I think impact each other. 1) Why doesn't Calathir like humans? Seems like humans are part of the deal, and should not be surprising passengers on his ship. 2) Why does the ship "explode"? Calathir stops it because he'd mad, right? But what creates the explosion? From the crash on, everything is pretty solid. Humboldt has an odd fascination with the humans. That works. You probably have a deeper reason for it, but I don't think it needs to be explored unless you want to. He sees the trapped human, can't believe she won't just detach her arm (which is so damn good), and he helps. But then, we reach my final point of confusion: Why is Humboldt thanking the humans at the end? Shouldn't they be thanking him? He detached one of his arms to save these creatures that Calathir couldn't even be bothered to transport. So, to me the humans should be saying thank you to him. I very much enjoyed the conceit of this story, and I think you're in a good spot. This is nothing more than reshuffling and cutting/adding. No major changes, so good job with this wonderful squid-human Abyss meets Escape from New York story! |
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