Beware of Strangers!

[justin1023]

Hey guys, here's a new story I'm working on that has a lot of awesome 90's nostalgia...but also some serious stranger danger. Would love to get some feedback. 

Attachments:

OneThousandHoursFree.pdf (107.53 KB)

[eldercheese]

I will read this as soon as I can I have been silly buys lately.

[eldercheese]

Ok just read your story man. I'm going to brake it down with charlie and spit out some more idea's but damn that build up was really good to that creepy ending. It made it really morbid the little hints how off this situation was and then the ending.

[eldercheese]

I have some thoughts a little and I have a few points. Not many because this seems very solid. The two big issues I had involved the bother and his parents. I felt the parents were a bit cartoonish, the dinner seemed off I was wondering if you needed it. Maybe more bits of his parents but not one hole seen, keep him isolated from everyone.

the brother Denny I think needs more of a foot print in the story. His leaves or just his presence looming around in the background. Just some more touches to make him feel more like a character and a force that drives Russel.

Just some feels I had, hope that helps.

[justin1023]

Jan 26, 2017 3:54:33 GMT eldercheese said:

I have some thoughts a little and I have a few points. Not many because this seems very solid. The two big issues I had involved the bother and his parents. I felt the parents were a bit cartoonish, the dinner seemed off I was wondering if you needed it. Maybe more bits of his parents but not one hole seen, keep him isolated from everyone.

the brother Denny I think needs more of a foot print in the story. His leaves or just his presence looming around in the background. Just some more touches to make him feel more like a character and a force that drives Russel.

Just some feels I had, hope that helps.

Thanks, Eliot! You're the man. I'll definitely this feedback into the revisions. Totally helps!