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Post by Charlie Allison on Jan 24, 2017 16:00:35 GMT
So I'm embarking on a mad project. 50 one thousand word bits of flash fiction, all involving gods in some way or another--existing, dead, dying, in potentia, fictional etc. Trying to do one a day and here's my first attempt. I'd love feedback--as for this god in particular i'm trying to take some ideas from justin in regards to minimalism and implication--if not for the title, would the reader know or figure out whom I was referencing and why i don't give his name in the text? Does the narrative pull the reader in? Do i overuse water-metaphors? See you on the other side! Charlie TLALOC--God flash fiction.pdf (34.03 KB) |
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Post by justin1023 on Jan 25, 2017 20:33:24 GMT
So I'm embarking on a mad project. 50 one thousand word bits of flash fiction, all involving gods in some way or another--existing, dead, dying, in potentia, fictional etc. Trying to do one a day and here's my first attempt. I'd love feedback--as for this god in particular i'm trying to take some ideas from justin in regards to minimalism and implication--if not for the title, would the reader know or figure out whom I was referencing and why i don't give his name in the text? Does the narrative pull the reader in? Do i overuse water-metaphors? See you on the other side! Charlie This is really scaled back, brother! I love it. Great job with the minimalistic approach. Vivid imagery, great metaphors, and an interesting (if not still a bit abstract) story. I try to come at these stories as if I've never spoke to you about them, so let me answer some of your more general questions: 1) I do not think the reader would know what God this was without the title or without some intricate knowledge of mesoamerican mythology. That's OK. As long as you establish what this guy wants, it doesn't matter if people get the mythology and the historical and cultural context behind it. 2) I don't know why you don't give his name in the text...that was intentional and for a reason? Even I don't know that one. But again, his name is not important if people understand his goal. 3) Water metaphors are not overused. BUT you did use creosote probably one too many times. What if instead of repeating the word creosote you used Larrea tridentata or gobernadora? All mean the same thing  Ok, on to my one main point of feedback on this story. If I didn't know Tlaloc's deal, I'm not sure I would have inferred it from the story. You have this passage that I think should just be a little more explicit: No more grand gestures or solemn processions barefoot up sacred mountains. Instead, an age of instants, micro-prayers, timed sacrifices. Tithed tears, percentages of jeweled water, the economics of awe, reverence, old habits wired deep in the forebrain and axons.
What if you just tell the reader the world has changed? Gods can't simply sacrifice humans the way they used to, so Tlaloc has settled for micro transactions. The subtelty elsewhere is perfect, but when you get to the goal of your character, I think you want to make sure readers who are not as deep in mesoamerican research as you understand what he wants and how he's achieving it. Otherwise, this is really great piece. Not a ton of technical fixes in the line notes. Awesome job! |
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Post by Charlie Allison on Jan 27, 2017 16:27:07 GMT
So I'm embarking on a mad project. 50 one thousand word bits of flash fiction, all involving gods in some way or another--existing, dead, dying, in potentia, fictional etc. Trying to do one a day and here's my first attempt. I'd love feedback--as for this god in particular i'm trying to take some ideas from justin in regards to minimalism and implication--if not for the title, would the reader know or figure out whom I was referencing and why i don't give his name in the text? Does the narrative pull the reader in? Do i overuse water-metaphors? See you on the other side! Charlie This is really scaled back, brother! I love it. Great job with the minimalistic approach. Vivid imagery, great metaphors, and an interesting (if not still a bit abstract) story. I try to come at these stories as if I've never spoke to you about them, so let me answer some of your more general questions: 1) I do not think the reader would know what God this was without the title or without some intricate knowledge of mesoamerican mythology. That's OK. As long as you establish what this guy wants, it doesn't matter if people get the mythology and the historical and cultural context behind it. 2) I don't know why you don't give his name in the text...that was intentional and for a reason? Even I don't know that one. But again, his name is not important if people understand his goal. 3) Water metaphors are not overused. BUT you did use creosote probably one too many times. What if instead of repeating the word creosote you used Larrea tridentata or gobernadora? All mean the same thing Ok, on to my one main point of feedback on this story. If I didn't know Tlaloc's deal, I'm not sure I would have inferred it from the story. You have this passage that I think should just be a little more explicit: No more grand gestures or solemn processions barefoot up sacred mountains. Instead, an age of instants, micro-prayers, timed sacrifices. Tithed tears, percentages of jeweled water, the economics of awe, reverence, old habits wired deep in the forebrain and axons.
What if you just tell the reader the world has changed? Gods can't simply sacrifice humans the way they used to, so Tlaloc has settled for micro transactions. The subtelty elsewhere is perfect, but when you get to the goal of your character, I think you want to make sure readers who are not as deep in mesoamerican research as you understand what he wants and how he's achieving it. Otherwise, this is really great piece. Not a ton of technical fixes in the line notes. Awesome job! Thanks, Justin! I'll get on it asap! Here is my latest god--have at it! Lady Taalhi.pdf (35.69 KB) |
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Post by justin1023 on Jan 30, 2017 14:42:34 GMT
Here is my latest god--have at it! Hey Charlie! Great job pumping these out so quick. I have no doubt you'll hit your goal quickly. This story, unlike the last, doesn't quite feel like a story. I marked where I thought the story actually began in my line notes (middle of page 2). This is where we meet Bellweather. But even then, all we see is Bellweather passing on stories that may not be accurate to another librarian. There is no conflict. In fact, the majority of the story is exposition—explanation of how Lady Taalhi works. So, that being said, I think you can fix this pretty easily. Here are my suggestions: 1) Start the story with Lady T watching over Bellweather. But make it clear that Bellweather has made no mistakes. Make it clear early that his accuracy is a threat to her life (in the current draft, we don't find that consequence out until the bottom of page 2). 2) The conflict in the story will need to be something along the lines of her trying to feed Bellweather inaccurate information that he doesn't cling to. Make the reader concerned that he will actually be able to pass along correct information with no mistakes to this newer librarian. 3) Interweave Lady T's history through the story rather than giving it to us all up front. Of course, I may have totally missed the point of the story, and if so, once I know what it was supposed to be, I can give you some alternate feedback Attachments:Lady Taalhi.pdf (74.72 KB)
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Post by eldercheese on Jan 31, 2017 19:14:02 GMT
I god I'm so far behind everything. I use to do all my reading on the train but now my chrome book wont hold a charge so i can't  Charlie beam all your work into my brain muscle from now on! But on a serious not I'll try and sit down and focus for more then two minutes tonight and read something off the forums. |
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Post by Charlie Allison on Feb 1, 2017 21:25:18 GMT
Here is my latest god--have at it! Hey Charlie! Great job pumping these out so quick. I have no doubt you'll hit your goal quickly. This story, unlike the last, doesn't quite feel like a story. I marked where I thought the story actually began in my line notes (middle of page 2). This is where we meet Bellweather. But even then, all we see is Bellweather passing on stories that may not be accurate to another librarian. There is no conflict. In fact, the majority of the story is exposition—explanation of how Lady Taalhi works. So, that being said, I think you can fix this pretty easily. Here are my suggestions: 1) Start the story with Lady T watching over Bellweather. But make it clear that Bellweather has made no mistakes. Make it clear early that his accuracy is a threat to her life (in the current draft, we don't find that consequence out until the bottom of page 2). 2) The conflict in the story will need to be something along the lines of her trying to feed Bellweather inaccurate information that he doesn't cling to. Make the reader concerned that he will actually be able to pass along correct information with no mistakes to this newer librarian. 3) Interweave Lady T's history through the story rather than giving it to us all up front. Of course, I may have totally missed the point of the story, and if so, once I know what it was supposed to be, I can give you some alternate feedback Wonderful feedback--this weekend i'll deal with these two. Your comments are goddamn brilliant and I can't wait to implement them. Here's the latest--Perun. Attachments:Perun.pdf (30.73 KB)
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Post by justin1023 on Feb 1, 2017 22:39:53 GMT
Wonderful feedback--this weekend i'll deal with these two. Your comments are goddamn brilliant and I can't wait to implement them. Here's the latest--Perun. Jupiter! Storms! God of Thunder and Lightning! I was hooked right away. While a lot of your stories build slowly, this one did a great job of sucking me in. That whole first paragraph was interesting, but the first sentence really did it: "Perun fled Terra for Jupiter’s Great Red Spot." I like that you went the route of Earth's climate change being one of climate control (which seems to be the complete opposite of reality, right). Perun was of no use on a planet with no more violent storms. Jupiter is the most logical choice. That's good stuff. I think what you want to do is play up the conflict of this story. You don't want it to appear as if Perun has no agency, so I think this will require just a tiny shift in the narrative. Right now, Perus escapes to Jupiter. He knows others are coming, and those others I perceived to be threats to him. They're not really, though. As it is right now, they come and essentially worship. What if they were threats initially. Perun felt the pressure of them trying to capture the gasses and control the climate, etc. Then, Perun goes on the offensive. He can still fire off lightning bolts and help spin up spectacular storms that attack the fleets. The storms would be so spectacular that the people that came change their mindset. They start to "believe." They start to worship. Then you still end with the cow being lowered. What do you think? Attachments:Perun.pdf (69.63 KB)
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Post by Charlie Allison on Feb 9, 2017 14:54:34 GMT
Wonderful feedback--this weekend i'll deal with these two. Your comments are goddamn brilliant and I can't wait to implement them. Here's the latest--Perun. Jupiter! Storms! God of Thunder and Lightning! I was hooked right away. While a lot of your stories build slowly, this one did a great job of sucking me in. That whole first paragraph was interesting, but the first sentence really did it: "Perun fled Terra for Jupiter’s Great Red Spot." I like that you went the route of Earth's climate change being one of climate control (which seems to be the complete opposite of reality, right). Perun was of no use on a planet with no more violent storms. Jupiter is the most logical choice. That's good stuff. I think what you want to do is play up the conflict of this story. You don't want it to appear as if Perun has no agency, so I think this will require just a tiny shift in the narrative. Right now, Perus escapes to Jupiter. He knows others are coming, and those others I perceived to be threats to him. They're not really, though. As it is right now, they come and essentially worship. What if they were threats initially. Perun felt the pressure of them trying to capture the gasses and control the climate, etc. Then, Perun goes on the offensive. He can still fire off lightning bolts and help spin up spectacular storms that attack the fleets. The storms would be so spectacular that the people that came change their mindset. They start to "believe." They start to worship. Then you still end with the cow being lowered. What do you think? Justin, thanks for the feedback. I like the idea about making Perun more active rather than passive and inspiring fear, rather than counting on old, nearly genetic tendencies towards worship. Here's Misha--and a step into resurrection and deep time. Gods of Foresters.pdf (34.75 KB) |
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Post by justin1023 on Feb 9, 2017 15:18:59 GMT
Justin, thanks for the feedback. I like the idea about making Perun more active rather than passive and inspiring fear, rather than counting on old, nearly genetic tendencies towards worship. Here's Misha--and a step into resurrection and deep time. [/quote] This one was interesting. The word forester conjures images of big burly men. So, I immediately pictured Misha as a tall, flannel wearing lumberjack...who also happened to be 90 years old and on her way out. Super interesting setup. I'll be honest, though, I had a little bit of a tough time following the story. I think it may have been because it was essentially told in an omniscient narrator third person, but without insight into Misha really... We get just a few lines from her, but otherwise, we get observations about the forrest, dialogue from the creatures and items in the forrest, and a moment in which Misha wants to mention the name that cannot be mentioned (Voldemort? Joking!). So, the first suggestion I have is to make this story truly from Misha's perspective. She's your God, right? Or about to be a God? Let her tell the story, even if in dream state. Next, I think you'll want to clarify what the story is, exactly. We've got character and world, but what's the plot? And what's the story behind the plot. I know it's there—so don't think I'm suggesting you haven't thought of this, I know you have. I just don't know what the story is. Here's my rough estimation: Mischa is old, dying. She has protected the forrest by clearing it and keeping it clean. But now she is going to die. And when she dies, she becomes part of the forrest. If that's the case, then you really don't have a story arc, right? You have an explanation of fact (fact in this world, not the real world of course). So, let's assume that my rough estimation of the intended story is correct. Here's how you can change it into an arc with conflict: Misha recognizes she's on her last leg—perhaps it's before she even falls asleep. She realizes that if she passes, the forrest loses her protection. So as she falls into this dream state, the dream might be more of a nightmare. She is searching for an answer, a way to not die. The climax/resolution could be something like, she realizes she is already dead or has no chance as survival (the forrest might even reveal this to her). You want her to have agency, so make her becoming one with the forrest be her choice. She needs to give something else up—like everlasting life as an apparition or something better—so that it's not a simple decision. Then, you still end with her waiting to rise from the pool of deep time. Of course, that ending sort of leads me to believe my overall interpretation of the story is wrong, so this might not be helpful at all. I don't know what rising from the pool of deep time really means... One other thing: that whole section where Misha thinks about mentioning the name she can't mention, who is it? What's the name? For someone without a background in god-research (like me), I was lost in this section. Again, I think you have all the parts to this story, but some of it may not have been translated from your mind to the page. So I hope this helps. But if I got the overall premise wrong, explain it to me and I'll update my suggestions Attachments:Gods of Foresters.pdf (49.39 KB)
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Charlie beam all your work into my brain muscle from now on! But on a serious not I'll try and sit down and focus for more then two minutes tonight and read something off the forums.