This is the latest in a series of lurching thuds that impersonate chapters in my novel. Please, be gentle.
Charlie
I have the benefit of knowing how long "The Captain" has been fighting to come out in one of Charlie's stories, and the good news is, he's great. The bad news is, there wasn't enough of him in this story—a story called "The Captain." But I'll get to that in a minute. What I want to start with is how Charlie once again manages to introduce us to a brand new character that is somehow completely distinct from everyone else's he created in his worlds. It might seem like a simple task, but I have trouble doing that with characters grounded in the real world. So, to create whole worlds and the people to fill those worlds is impressive.
And from what I've seen, The Captain has a chance to be a really memorable character.
But he is buried in this story. So, first, let's breakdown what this story is:
The Captain is an apparition. That's not immediately clear, but that's OK, doesn't have to be. The Triumvirs commissioned four trains to run from central Wolfward outward toward the four other worlds they have access to—a really cool concept. But once the trains start, they don't reach their destinations because The Captain finds that while being present on all four trains at the same time, none of the passengers have tickets. Olivia Alder (great to see her again!) is tasked by the Triumvirs to figure out what happened. And she does. The Captain just doesn't want a crew on his trains when they haven't purchased tickets. So, Olivia makes a deal to ensure the crew pays for their tickets and becomes part of The Captain's crew—a deal that seems to satisfy both The Captain and the Triumvirs in the end (but one I have questions about in a moment).
The reason I summarize it this way is because that's a super interesting story with interesting characters. But like The Captain, the story got buried under story and info. But Charlie has the frame of his story here already. He just needs the meat.
The Captain
The story truly starts on page 4 when The Captain says "Heh, excited for your maiden voyage, sonny? I had one of those once, took me past the moons of...” That's a long time to wait for the story to start. I see what Charlie was doing in those first four pages—giving us the background on the construction of the railroad and launching of the trains. That information, though, I think has to be sprinkled in throughout the story. Dropping it all in a single lump at the beginning takes away from what this story is actually about.
Even when we're introduced to The Captain, we get such a fleeting, confusing glimpse of him that it feels unsatisfying. We jump almost immediately into Olivia's perspective after that (and Olivia is great), but we're left wondering what exactly happened on the train.
There was a shattering sound and a blast of chill-wind.
No splatter of blood-icicles as might have been expected, though.
This scene should mean more to the reader, but it was lost on me. I've interpreted it by now to be an attempted attack by a passenger/crew member on The Captain, an attack that would have frozen a person and shattered them into bloody icicles. But since the attack was on The Captain, it was harmless. I don't think Charlie needs to come out and tell us The Captain is an apparition right here, but there's an opportunity to give us more of an introduction into The Captain by extending this scene. A bit of dialogue between the passenger and The Captain, a subtle explanation of what the passenger expected to happen, why he had this device or power, who he expected to use it on, etc. That creates the opening I think this story deserves—conflict, action, intrigue right from the jump.
Cut the intro and sprinkle the info about the construction of the train system throughout the story. Start it with an extended version of the above scene, and Charlie is going to be in good shape.
Olivia
She's pretty perfect. I don't quite understand the deal she makes with The Captain, but as a character, she lands on every point.
The Deal
First, I think we need to know a tiny bit more about The Captain's backstory so that we understand how insistent he is on everyone having a ticket. But even still, the Triumvirs have appointed a crew for these trains, and Olivia's deal is that the crew will pay for tickets and then work for The Captain. I don't understand why the crew would ever pay for a ticket, why The Captain would expect a crew (not passengers) to pay, and why the Triumvirs would hand over the grew to an apparition of a conductor/captain.
Don't get me wrong, I think Charlie is on the right path for the ending of this story. There is certainly a way to make The Captain feel as if he is still the captain of his imagination while the real people in charge maintain their power (there's a Trump joke to be made here...).
Final Thoughts
When you step back and think about this story, it's really great in the fact that it folds mythology, sci-fi, fantasy, and a ghost story all into a single story. It also fits into Charlie's existing world and extends his collection/novel. This is really great work that just needs to be molded. Great stuff, Charlie!
Attachments:Charlie Week 4.pdf (147.08 KB)
