Diminishing Returns

[justin1023]

Hey all, 

This is a story that would be a prequel to my novel, The Ranch. It is set around 1922. I wrote this to specifically target high-end liquor magazines (many of them accept short fiction). So, while I am concerned about all the normal things I would be concerned about with story, I am also interested in whether or not you all think there is enough discussion of the actual liquor involved?

Thanks!

Attachments:

DiminishngReturns.pdf (72.88 KB)

[Julia]

This seems like a fun, action-filled piece for a liquor magazine! Let me know if you can see my comments. I'm on a different computer than usual with different Adobe.



Regarding the liquor, it would have been nice to know what the mezcal tasted like. Something that would have made me thirsty for it, since its quality is a plot point.



There is a lot of nice suspense building driving the story. Since we know Reynato has a gun from the first sentence, I drawn in and waiting for shit to go down. There's the added tension of Abel not knowing what his father is up to. We get some backstory from their conversation as the tension builds.

Then we learn that there is another meeting and they have to walk across the street, which took me out of the moment and brought up questions. Why not start out at the ballroom if it was so important and we see them easily walk there? Why did Reynato agree to the meeting if he doesn’t know who they are meeting with? Why is Abel even there if he doesn’t want to be part of the business?



The second half of the story is so much faster paced that the tension didn’t have time to re-build. I didn’t quite understand what was happening. Reynato appears to be angry that they bring up expansion, but then he talks about the missing ledgers. I didn’t understand why Finnegan would tell Reynato how much he’s screwing him over, when he has a gun trained on him. If he needed to stall, he still could have left out killing his son-in-law.


The cops bursting in is a great climax, but then I was confused again. I guess Finnegan had to coordinate the timing with Charlie? But why did it have to be so exact? Couldn’t he just have planned for the cops arrest Reynato somewhere public so he wouldn’t risk shooting?


I like the payoff to the foreshadowing that Finnegan wanted to live somewhere permanent and how he has put down roots in the community by being a bootlegger. I liked visiting this Prohibition world. It felt fully realized, and the three characters have interesting motivations.


DiminishngReturns_Juliacomments.pdf (94.31 KB)

[justin1023]

Feb 21, 2017 19:28:00 GMT Julia said:

This seems like a fun, action-filled piece for a liquor magazine! Let me know if you can see my comments. I'm on a different computer than usual with different Adobe.



Regarding the liquor, it would have been nice to know what the mezcal tasted like. Something that would have made me thirsty for it, since its quality is a plot point.



There is a lot of nice suspense building driving the story. Since we know Reynato has a gun from the first sentence, I drawn in and waiting for shit to go down. There's the added tension of Abel not knowing what his father is up to. We get some backstory from their conversation as the tension builds.

Then we learn that there is another meeting and they have to walk across the street, which took me out of the moment and brought up questions. Why not start out at the ballroom if it was so important and we see them easily walk there? Why did Reynato agree to the meeting if he doesn’t know who they are meeting with? Why is Abel even there if he doesn’t want to be part of the business?



The second half of the story is so much faster paced that the tension didn’t have time to re-build. I didn’t quite understand what was happening. Reynato appears to be angry that they bring up expansion, but then he talks about the missing ledgers. I didn’t understand why Finnegan would tell Reynato how much he’s screwing him over, when he has a gun trained on him. If he needed to stall, he still could have left out killing his son-in-law.


The cops bursting in is a great climax, but then I was confused again. I guess Finnegan had to coordinate the timing with Charlie? But why did it have to be so exact? Couldn’t he just have planned for the cops arrest Reynato somewhere public so he wouldn’t risk shooting?


I like the payoff to the foreshadowing that Finnegan wanted to live somewhere permanent and how he has put down roots in the community by being a bootlegger. I liked visiting this Prohibition world. It felt fully realized, and the three characters have interesting motivations.


Thanks, Julia. This is awesome! Exactly the type of feedback I was looking for.