Endless White Sea

[justin1023]

Charlie might remember this story from way back when we had our first residency. Which makes this story nearly two years old. I've changed a lot about it without changing the general story, so I'd love to see if my revisions are getting it anywhere or if this is one that needs to be retired to the scrap heap. 

Thanks!

Attachments:

EndlessWhiteSea.pdf (75.79 KB)

[eldercheese]

Just downloaded it and I will get to it tonight after work.

[Charlie Allison]

The language is odd, but its justified in the name of continuing suspense and the kicker. The word 'that' instead of 'stolen' allows you to do a lot with a little before you reveal the 'perfect plan' around pages 4-5.

"And that’s why I’m in that car. "

"We’re never leaving. That’s the plan to keep us from falling apart. We’ll go to the university next fall and never have to leave the city. I don’t see how any of it will change. The world might crack and break and split apart at the seams, but I know she and I will be wrapped around each other, holding on until the end. "

Sentence structure

Your narrator, Tommy, uses a conversational style. Lots of 'ands' and common words. That's not a bad thing, it lends the whole story a organic feel--as if he's recalling the incident as if he want to get it all out so it will feel real again, even if the recollection, the reliving of it, is painful. It makes quotes like this one hit progressively harder. However, if I may, a suggestion:
Start out with clipped sentences. I've marked a few that could be split in two (including the starting sentence). As if it is difficult for him to talk of the story. He's warming up. Feeling out his voice or pen. Using the period as a bandage on the sting of memory.
But as Tommy gets into the story, he starts to become more poetic. His sentences lengthen, and metaphors creep into his language. He find the beauty in his misfortune, the transient purity of memory--until the crash.
The sentences stay long, but they are frenzied now. Panicked. A dirge instead of a poem. You subconsciously register the change in tone and modulate your expectations. There is more on this in the line notes.




Ending
For those of you not familiar with the older variant (Sorry Justin, the spoiler-train is leaving the station) Tommy abandons Bre's corpse along with the stolen car. Panic-stricken.
Tommy's fate is uncertain in this latest version--yes, he did have a ride coming, and he didn't exactly hide the car so much as crash it but the ending is both the strongest and weakest part of the story. Let me explain: Leaving the end unclear can work and not work. The will to live is a powerful thing, but Tommy is shock-addled, disoriented, wounded and heartbroken all at once. His sanity is temporarily suspended--he just wants to curl up with Bre. Even if the tow-truck reaches him in time, he still may die from hypothermia, excessive shock or (improbably) blood-loss. You make it clear this is Tommy giving up--but I'd like a hint or two that he survives to write/dictate this account--I'm not sure how to do this in first person--maybe have his phone ring, muted by snow, unable to be located--but its an audio cue for the audience that the outside world is looking for him.



This story has come a long goddamn way, I would say. Justin fixed a lot of problems--pacing, characters, favoring the meta-plot over the human moments (something i'm deeply guilty of myself in the initial drafts myself)
Here though, the cast is two-onscreen characters feel fleshed out--human. Bre and Tommy are in love, young, star-struck--they might, concievably, have managed to pull it off if they had pulled the plan off. Gotten what they wanted. That's why this story works--the alternative, the happy ending, seems plausible--not likely, but possible. And in the end, it is snatched away in totality--and we, the reading audience, feel it in our guts.


Great job Justin! Here are the line notes!

Charlies Feedback ENDLESS.pdf (94.2 KB)