Post by justin1023 on Jun 4, 2017 18:33:59 GMT
Charlie, Julia, Tianna - Thanks so much for still providing some feedback on this even though I got it posted so late!
As most of you pointed out the focus of the story is still not clear. And I'm not sure what I intend is any more clear either. I need to toy around with this. I enjoyed the shifting perspective, but the story is not supposed to be Pat's, thus me taking his POV out. But without that POV, I definitely crammed some things in rather than letting the emotion of the action tell the story.
Charlie, you're spot on about the revenge aspect still being in there. I need to make any mention of Miguel and Billy come earlier, and I need to make it clear this is not a revenge story. So, I guess that helps clarify one thing for me on this story. It's a story of Leah trying to understand the why behind something that doesn't have a good answer. That will likely be my focus in revisions.
Julia, thank you so much for the honest feedback. Don't ever feel like you have to hesitate with "brutal" feedback. That's what we all need. You're spot-on with your feedback. And you mentioned a big issue that should not be an issue - men empathizing with women through the lens of their own family (specifically female family members). That's a relic of Pat having a POV in this. It shouldn't be there, and I don't want anyone walking away with that tired old cliche in their mind. "Because I have daughters, I know this is bad." I hate that so much and it was not intentional.
Tianna, thanks for the recommendation! I think I'll check out the novel version of 13 Reasons Why. I'm sorry that you even have experience to draw on to help with this feedback, but thank you for being willing to share personal feelings to help me improve this story. I agree with you about having Pat's POV being a better version. I'll try another pass with that in there. This is a tough story to nail down. It's a matter of both finding focus and finding the right way to bring that focus through to the reader.
Seriously, thank you all so much! This has been incredibly helpful!
As most of you pointed out the focus of the story is still not clear. And I'm not sure what I intend is any more clear either. I need to toy around with this. I enjoyed the shifting perspective, but the story is not supposed to be Pat's, thus me taking his POV out. But without that POV, I definitely crammed some things in rather than letting the emotion of the action tell the story.
Charlie, you're spot on about the revenge aspect still being in there. I need to make any mention of Miguel and Billy come earlier, and I need to make it clear this is not a revenge story. So, I guess that helps clarify one thing for me on this story. It's a story of Leah trying to understand the why behind something that doesn't have a good answer. That will likely be my focus in revisions.
Julia, thank you so much for the honest feedback. Don't ever feel like you have to hesitate with "brutal" feedback. That's what we all need. You're spot-on with your feedback. And you mentioned a big issue that should not be an issue - men empathizing with women through the lens of their own family (specifically female family members). That's a relic of Pat having a POV in this. It shouldn't be there, and I don't want anyone walking away with that tired old cliche in their mind. "Because I have daughters, I know this is bad." I hate that so much and it was not intentional.
Tianna, thanks for the recommendation! I think I'll check out the novel version of 13 Reasons Why. I'm sorry that you even have experience to draw on to help with this feedback, but thank you for being willing to share personal feelings to help me improve this story. I agree with you about having Pat's POV being a better version. I'll try another pass with that in there. This is a tough story to nail down. It's a matter of both finding focus and finding the right way to bring that focus through to the reader.
Seriously, thank you all so much! This has been incredibly helpful!