Julia's First Submission: CondiCats

[Julia]

This is a based on a joke my friend made about a sitcom pitch for a show about cats living in a condominium that are named after condiments.  I'm not sure what to do with this story, or if it's even worth working on further.  

General impressions would be most helpful.  Also, can you follow the dialogue between all the characters?  Are all the characters confusing?


CondiCats.pdf (51.18 KB)

[justin1023]

Jun 5, 2017 12:57:11 GMT Julia said:

This is a based on a joke my friend made about a sitcom pitch for a show about cats living in a condominium that are named after condiments.  I'm not sure what to do with this story, or if it's even worth working on further.  

General impressions would be most helpful.  Also, can you follow the dialogue between all the characters?  Are all the characters confusing?

Hey Julia, 

So I see this story having a ton of potential for humor. There's room to include some more jokes for sure, but I think there's room to specifically include "current events" jokes. For example, on page six, there's a line that goes: 


“It is unprecedented,” Srirachi said, “but I suppose you are right. The girl is suffering.”

It may be overplayed now, but all I could think was what if Sriachi said unpresidented instead. 

Anyway, humor aside, I think there is framework here for the story, but it's not entirely built out. For example, I didn't gather that the cats thought of themselves as these super hero types until page six. In an eight-page story, that's pretty late.

You also throw us a bit of a red herring in suggesting the conflict is the fact that humans have moved into a building entirely occupied by cats. Of course, you can have two conflicts, but I was thrown a little when we get to page five and Marmalade decides to help the girl Beth. In a story this short, I think it would serve you pretty well to lessen the humans-in-a-cat-apartment conflict and maximize the concept of the cats deciding to help this girl. 

In either case, there probably needs to be some friction. Right now, the only friction is a disagreement about whether the cats should even let the humans stay there. I know this is humor, but the conflict is pretty flat without some real friction. 

That being said, I totally read this in a very Seinfeld-esque way. Like it's a cat story about nothing. Which is good, and it can definitely be much funnier with some additional passes. 

The dialogue between the cats is actually great. The only trouble I had with the dialogue was between Ginger and her daughter, Beth. That dialogue felt stiff and unnatural. For example:

“What on earth! I should report this school to the health authorities.”

It might just me, but the whole conversation after Beth is no longer the outcast feels forced and clinical. But that might be intentional juxtaposition against the dialogue of the cats. 

I hope you keep working on this story. I think it has a ton of potential and can be really funny!

Attachments:

CondiCats.pdf (96.22 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Jun 5, 2017 12:57:11 GMT Julia said:

This is a based on a joke my friend made about a sitcom pitch for a show about cats living in a condominium that are named after condiments.  I'm not sure what to do with this story, or if it's even worth working on further.  

General impressions would be most helpful.  Also, can you follow the dialogue between all the characters?  Are all the characters confusing?


View Attachment

I feel you should know that I had this running through my head the entire second half of your story:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcGNqrAtsgg

So, I have some thoughts, and most of them are structural about CondiCats. You turned in a cleaner copy so my line notes are spare in regards to grammatical errors and continuity.

What the story did well:
-Premise. I have to say, my hats off to you in this regard. I love (love love) the idea of the CondiCats for several reasons:
-They move the plot quickly--you tell what needs telling with regards to their actions but show their dialogue and differences with each other. Their dialogue is amusing and keeps the tone of the piece light--and because it's never exactly established how they formed or what the future has in store, I'd love to see more short stories in this world featuring them. Grey Poupon reads differently than Srirachi, who is different from absent-minded Ketchup--that i can recall their names and characteristics without consulting my notes speaks well of how you developed them in a rather short amount of time. They, as a group and as a concept, are the right mix of whimsical, original and punny. This isn't meant to lessen your work, but this would have been (or hell, who knows, could be) a really fun saturday morning cartoon show.
-Writing style: As stated above, you make it clear through character reactions and not dwelling on any one thing too much. Your writing is focused and you avoid exposition by keeping people's reactions to talking cats muted--this is normal for them, ja?

Now, onto the essence of my critique:
Structure and Emphasis
-I get that you're trying to ground your story in the real world by introducing the cats-as-people-early in the story--showing us Ginger and her daughter then Marmalade. We then infer that this is a normal state-of-affairs. If that is so, the humans somewhat (not much) but somewhat derail the A plot of the CondiCats.
-Consider opening with the CondiCats meeting--it provides exposition for the problem at hand (the sad girl), sets up the principal actors (The CondiCats) and the problem to be solved (the girl is being bullied at school). You would have to sandwhich a bit of the opening scene into this meeting and establish the human/cat alternate world (maybe an interruption by a human with the wrong apartment number/Ginger--thus prompting the discussion of the situation amidst the CondiCats in the first place while establishing your world's logic). This allows the focus to stay on the cats--to me, I was impatient with the human-centric (not that they were badly written, but zounds, there are talking cats to be had in this verse!) Your writing comes alive when you write humor, and the cats are furry little hotbeds of the stuff. You could even make this a key point and eliminate the human-POV--have the cats wondering, off-handedly, how humans can think or 'who knows what a two-legger would think of that' type jabs that keep the audience remembering their in an alternate reality.
-Use of transitions. Julia, you're amazing with transitions--so another method to present with this story is to make it a series of successive meetings between the CondiCats--I'm spitballing here, but what about 1) Initial meeting introduces Ginger's family 2) Problems with the human child--CondiCats decide to aid over the next few days 3) CondiCats argue about course of action before finally deciding. 4) post-operations briefing--letting the dialogue do the heavy lifting of describing events--maybe Beth stops by and thanks them or something.
These are just some ideas--mostly thought up as I synthesized the wonderful world of the CondiCats.

Here are my limited line notes--can't wait to talk more about this story.

BTW, all you Philly people: a bunch of Arcadia alums are holding a open mic next Monday at Lucky 13 at south Philly. Come one, come all. I just got back from this weeks and it was a blast.
Charlies Limited Line Edits on CondiCats.pdf (72.52 KB)

[justin1023]

Jun 6, 2017 22:11:18 GMT Charlie Allison said:

[-Consider opening with the CondiCats meeting--it provides exposition for the problem at hand (the sad girl), sets up the principal actors (The CondiCats) and the problem to be solved (the girl is being bullied at school). You would have to sandwhich a bit of the opening scene into this meeting and establish the human/cat alternate world (maybe an interruption by a human with the wrong apartment number/Ginger--thus prompting the discussion of the situation amidst the CondiCats in the first place while establishing your world's logic). This allows the focus to stay on the cats--to me, I was impatient with the human-centric (not that they were badly written, but zounds, there are talking cats to be had in this verse!) Your writing comes alive when you write humor, and the cats are furry little hotbeds of the stuff. You could even make this a key point and eliminate the human-POV--have the cats wondering, off-handedly, how humans can think or 'who knows what a two-legger would think of that' type jabs that keep the audience remembering their in an alternate reality.

100% agree with Charlie on this one. As I mentioned, I felt the human dialogue was a little stiff, and that's probably for the reasons Charlie pointed out here. The humans are there to further the cat plot. So, if you start with the meeting, we're thrown right into what we should care about rather than getting there gradually. I like it!

[abi]

Jun 5, 2017 12:57:11 GMT Julia said:

This is a based on a joke my friend made about a sitcom pitch for a show about cats living in a condominium that are named after condiments.  I'm not sure what to do with this story, or if it's even worth working on further.  

General impressions would be most helpful.  Also, can you follow the dialogue between all the characters?  Are all the characters confusing?

    Julia! I'm so glad to get to read your stories again. I think this is an adorable story, and really has potential for being sent out soon.

    First of all, I want to say that I’m with Charlie on this one. I think, if you cut the first page and start with the line,

“You’ll never guess who the new tenants are.”

Maybe throw in some of the descriptions of the cats that were on the first page, but otherwise, just start from there. I think it’s important in a story like this to establish the rules of this universe, i.e. the anthropomorphized cats and their cat-owned condo, first thing. Also, that beginning page’s dialog is not as interesting or entertaining to me as the cats trying to figure out how to get rid of their newly acquired human tenants on the next page. That was hilarious stuff, and it did a good job of explaining how the cats worked in this world without actually explaining it. Good stuff.

    As for your question about the dialog, I think it got much better on the second page, and was great from there on out. I thought the cats had amusing ways of interacting with one another, that their speech was distinct. Loved the different names, especially Srirachi and Grey Poupon. My favorite lines were,

“Although she now knew her name was racially problematic, she did love spicy food, so she kept the engraved name tag on her white plastic flea collar and talked about nominative determinism to anyone who would listen,”

and

“if you scratch them, do the not bleed like the rest of us?”

Hilarious. Cats with human sensibilities is going to have some element of humor inherently, and I like how it comes out in those lines.

    Now, a thought on the way this story is set up. It’s almost portrayed like an episode. The cats do the whole chanting thing and go to save the human, it’s like super hero type storyline. I could easily see you doing more of these types of “episodes”, as they were. In which case, I think you should market them towards a younger audience, because I could really see these stories doing well with those types of publishers. But as a stand-alone piece, I think I would have more questions. Like, have these cats banned together for other shenanigans? It sounds like they have, because they have a whole chant and everything. And I think they talk about their “work” which is stealing things, right? I kind of wish that was brought out more. What’s their cover story for the humans? I don’t think you should explain anything about the “why” of these cats and their condominium, just the “how.”

    Ok, now I want to talk about the future of this story. As I said, I think it’s almost ready to send out. What are your plans for that, Julia? Again, I think marketing it towards the younger crowd is the way to go, but I could also see it working on one of the more quirky magazines. I would go ahead and make the cut Charlie mentioned and then start searching The (Submission) Grinder. Do eetttt.

APs Line Notes on CondiCats.pdf (73.81 KB)

[V]

This is a based on a joke my friend made about a sitcom pitch for a show about cats living in a condominium that are named after condiments. I'm not sure what to do with this story, or if it's even worth working on further.

General impressions would be most helpful. Also, can you follow the dialogue between all the characters? Are all the characters confusing?

Hi, Julia! Happy to be reading your work again, and I hope my feedback helps going forward. I thought this story was an easy read and has potential going forward. I like Charlie’s suggestion of starting the story from the cat’s meeting. This puts the focus on them at the beginning and ends the same way. As of now, I expected the story to be more about Ginger and Beth because it started with them.


I didn’t necessarily have an issue with the information in the beginning, so if Julia wants to keep it she could always reveal (the first encounter) in a flashback. Maybe Marmalade could say “They didn’t smell when I talked to them” to Grey, or better yet “Beth didn’t smell when I licked her hand.” This could cause commotion between the group, Marmalade getting too close too soon? Just an idea.


I’m also curious about housing. Like Justin, I wanted to know if it was just cats in the building (no problem with the world existing together, more on this later), but it did make me wonder what type of humans would choose to stay there anyway. Maybe Julia could use housing to compare Ginger and Beth to the rest of the humans in the building. “She doesn’t smell like Herman on the 3rd floor with the plump pet birds” or “They didn’t have any dogs like grumpy Mrs. Lynch by the elevator.” This would also help with showing their environment and setting (I think Julia did something like this when she mentioned "Dr. Hypno", a few more scenes exposing the human? neighbors wouldn't hurt).


One thing about the two worlds existing, Ginger’s response to Marmalade on page 1,

“No, we’re not,” Beth said. Her mother stood by open-mouthed. “We’re people.”

Ginger seemed surprised by Marmalade’s speaking, not the choice of words, but the fact that a cat can talk, period. It’s revealed a few sentences down that Ginger is aware of this and is reacting to how rude they are, but her open-mouth stood out to me. Now, for a first-time reader, her response is perfect, Why the fuck is my daughter having a conversation with a damn cat like it’s normal? To find out it is normal, makes her reaction I sort of feel a bit too strong, maybe Ginger sucks her teeth or rolls her eyes? It’ll seem more natural in that situation. Just a thought. Ignore that if you don’t agree, it’s a small thing.


As far as dialogue, the cats did seem more natural with their words while Ginger and Beth were, to me, normal, mother-daughter. Ginger is stiff with her conversation because Beth is her child, she’s going to talk to her a certain way. The cats are neighbors and friends, they call each other nicknames, and are comfortable enough to suggest doing messed up things in front of each other. Beth doesn’t even want to tell her mother she’s miserable at school. I expect their conversations to be a bit dry. I think the thing that stands out to me about the conversations is how proper Ginger is at times.

“Well, I never.”



“What on earth! I should report this school to the health authorities.”

Overall, I enjoyed this story. I definitely see a sitcom when reading, getting revenge on annoying neighbors and people around town as you progress in the future. Good job, can’t wait to read more.CondiCats.pdf (67.63 KB)

[justin1023]

Jun 7, 2017 21:35:43 GMT V said:

I’m also curious about housing. Like Justin, I wanted to know if it was just cats in the building (no problem with the world existing together, more on this later), but it did make me wonder what type of humans would choose to stay there anyway. Maybe Julia could use housing to compare Ginger and Beth to the rest of the humans in the building. “She doesn’t smell like Herman on the 3rd floor with the plump pet birds” or “They didn’t have any dogs like grumpy Mrs. Lynch by the elevator.” This would also help with showing their environment and setting (I think Julia did something like this when she mentioned "Dr. Hypno", a few more scenes exposing the human? neighbors wouldn't hurt).

So now that V mentions it, I think Julia has an opportunity with this story to create a little humor around a real issue in the country today - housing discrimination. Wouldn't it be funny if this was a building of nothing but cats and they (like in real world cases of discrimination) use the applicant's name as the first line of scrutiny? Julia already has some jokes about the human being named Ginger and how the cats assumed that was a cat name. Maybe this line of humor is exactly what Julia is going for, and if so, YES! Bring it out more.

[abi]

Jun 7, 2017 21:35:43 GMT V said:

This is a based on a joke my friend made about a sitcom pitch for a show about cats living in a condominium that are named after condiments. I'm not sure what to do with this story, or if it's even worth working on further.

General impressions would be most helpful. Also, can you follow the dialogue between all the characters? Are all the characters confusing?

I didn’t necessarily have an issue with the information in the beginning, so if Julia wants to keep it she could always reveal (the first encounter) in a flashback. Maybe Marmalade could say “They didn’t smell when I talked to them” to Grey, or better yet “Beth didn’t smell when I licked her hand.” This could cause commotion between the group, Marmalade getting too close too soon? Just an idea.

This is kind of off topic, but I had a thought about the cats referring to the humans by name. Would it make more sense for them to refer to the humans just as "humans"? I guess it depends on what sort of relationship Julia wants the cats to have with humans, but it might make more sense if they didn't refer to them by name, at least in the beginning. Or maybe they referred to the humans with sort of cat-like names like they have. They could call them by the color of their hair. I don't know, it's not really important to the story itself, but it's something to think about when world-building. Details do matter.

[Julia]

Thanks everyone! It was helpful to hear different opinions. Still a first draft and not sure where this will go!