Abi's First Submission: The Smallest Bijouwee

[abi]

The Smallest Bijouwee

This is from a short novel I actually wrote the majority of before the MFA program. It was commissioned by the owners of a local plant nursery who wanted to start a line of garden figurines that were "like that fairy garden stuff but not fairies." And he asked for a novel that would explain this sort of world and also make children excited about gardening. It's aimed at young readers, I'm thinking 7-10 in particular. I was also asked to keep it clean and Christian, "like Narnia." Those were my only specific instructions.

For this submission, I've included the prologue and the first chapter. So, there's a lot more character development that takes place later on. But, here are my questions:

1. Is Juniper too much of a little girl character and would she make boy readers feel disinterested in her?

2. Does the story read too dryly? I was aiming for like a Borrower's feel, but I worry I might have appropriated that too much. Also, does anything in the story seem too difficult for a child to grasp?

3. Does the story make you want to read further once you finish the first chapter? 

Thanks guys!! 

The Smallest Bijouwee an excerpt.pdf (88.88 KB)

[justin1023]

Jun 12, 2017 14:05:37 GMT abi said:

The Smallest Bijouwee

This is from a short novel I actually wrote the majority of before the MFA program. It was commissioned by the owners of a local plant nursery who wanted to start a line of garden figurines that were "like that fairy garden stuff but not fairies." And he asked for a novel that would explain this sort of world and also make children excited about gardening. It's aimed at young readers, I'm thinking 7-10 in particular. I was also asked to keep it clean and Christian, "like Narnia." Those were my only specific instructions.

For this submission, I've included the prologue and the first chapter. So, there's a lot more character development that takes place later on. But, here are my questions:

1. Is Juniper too much of a little girl character and would she make boy readers feel disinterested in her?

2. Does the story read too dryly? I was aiming for like a Borrower's feel, but I worry I might have appropriated that too much. Also, does anything in the story seem too difficult for a child to grasp?

3. Does the story make you want to read further once you finish the first chapter? 

Thanks guys!! 

I'm so happy to finally read some of this! I had to shift my reading mindset into kids lit, but with that lens in mind, I think Abi nailed the language for this story. 


1. Is Juniper too much of a little girl character and would she make boy readers feel disinterested in her?

Juniper certainly didn't read as too much of a little girl character. Juniper seems to be the perfect age for Abi's target reader. As for making boy readers feel disinterested...I don't think that would be the case after just this one chapter. But I have thoughts on how to keep both boys and girls interest rooted firmly right away. 

Juniper feels less like an adventurer in this first chapter and more like a lazy kid. I think even lazy kids reading this will want to see more adventure within her. She doesn't have to do anything specifically in this chapter, but in the times when Abi is describing why Juniper doesn't like to do this or doesn't like to do that, there's an opportunity for Juniper to daydream. Maybe she dreams about more than spying on the pig-humans (which are just humans, right?). Maybe she daydreams about catching a bird's tail and soaring high above the Nibblers, dropping in on them when they least expect it and forcing them to eat the plants they destroyed. There's a lot of options here, but the key is going to be instilling that sense of adventure from the jump. This applies to both boys and girls. 

2. Does the story read too dryly? I was aiming for like a Borrower's feel, but I worry I might have appropriated that too much. Also, does anything in the story seem too difficult for a child to grasp?

Nope. Not too dry at all. I think it's rich and funny and building towards excitement. It's really a good hook (prologue combined with chapter one). I may have seen The Borrowers once before, but I don't remember it if I did. But regardless, I don't think Abi needs to worry about lifting theme or feeling from another piece of work. Nothing is new. As long as she is writing with her own voice (and even in this differing style from what we normally see from her, I can hear her voice coming through), then Steal. All. The. Things. 

I hinted at this earlier, but the only thing a child might be confused by is a lack of explicit explanation of what a pig-human is. Did I miss why they call humans that?

3. Does the story make you want to read further once you finish the first chapter?

Yes, absolutely. I get the same feeling by the end of this first chapter as I did as kid reading James and the Giant Peach or The Phantom Tollbooth. I know adventure awaits, and I want to be there for it. Abi does such a good job building a world in these 10 pages and setting us up for adventure that I think just about any kid that picks this up will want to read on. 

Additional Thoughts

Abi did a wonderful job with her descriptions of emotions. As I mentioned I had to shift into kid mode to avoid suggesting she show more than she tell. In this case, I absolutely think the telling is necessary and spot-on. For example: 

To say Juniper was happy about going on this sudden and unexpected trip would be a lie. She was not happy about it in the slightest.

If this were adult fiction, I would have told Abi to show us Juniper's unhappiness. But this language is perfect for children. That's not to say Abi doesn't show things. She obviously does. But when she tells, she tells in the right way. 

I'm excited to read more. Great work, Abi!

Attachments:

The Smallest Bijouwee an excerpt.pdf (146.25 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Jun 12, 2017 14:05:37 GMT abi said:

The Smallest Bijouwee

This is from a short novel I actually wrote the majority of before the MFA program. It was commissioned by the owners of a local plant nursery who wanted to start a line of garden figurines that were "like that fairy garden stuff but not fairies." And he asked for a novel that would explain this sort of world and also make children excited about gardening. It's aimed at young readers, I'm thinking 7-10 in particular. I was also asked to keep it clean and Christian, "like Narnia." Those were my only specific instructions.

For this submission, I've included the prologue and the first chapter. So, there's a lot more character development that takes place later on. But, here are my questions:

1. Is Juniper too much of a little girl character and would she make boy readers feel disinterested in her?

2. Does the story read too dryly? I was aiming for like a Borrower's feel, but I worry I might have appropriated that too much. Also, does anything in the story seem too difficult for a child to grasp?

3. Does the story make you want to read further once you finish the first chapter? 

Thanks guys!! 

View Attachment

Opening:
There are so many beautifully spare descriptions here. I have my line notes attached but I have some thoughts about the opening paragraph of the preface:

On the street of Leaf Lettuce Lane, there stood a row of houses with one much similar to the next. They were all painted in a tidy white, as if to fend off the wildness of the forest that nestled behind them. Together, the houses seemed to say, “Please do not come any closer, you with your untrimmed dark, shady cool places that welcome all manner of plants and creatures that would invade our neat hedges and orderly boxwoods.”

Its a good opening but there is a line that I think is a stronger opening that lets you do many things at once that comes from lines that come later in the story on page 2:

If there is one thing we should be absolutely clear on before you read any further in this story, it is this very simple fact: fairies are not real.

Imagine starting the story along these lines: "Lets make something clear: despite the well-tended little houses that sat in the yard of 316 Lettuce Leaf Lane, this is not a story about fairies. Fairies are not real. It is absurd to think that etc. etc.' It might be a more hook-like opening meant to draw your audience in--and you can constantly use the 'they are not fairies' line to use as a helpful expositional contrast for the Bijouwee culture, mindset and priorities. The Bijouwee in a lot of ways can be used as a weight to counter the delicate fairy archetypes--Bijouwee are tiny survivalists mixed with subsistence farmers. This gives them a sharper edged feeling than you could otherwise get away with given your limitations of genre and Narnia-esque feelings (I admit, I once had a terrifying dream where Mr. Tumnus the faun was hunting me as the most dangerous game through a department store full of christmas cards. My teenage years were odd...).
I like Juniper as a protagonist. You balance her excitement at the missing potato with her solemn, eventual acceptance of her role as forager. Anyway, onto your questions--I'm sorry this review is so barebones but I promise, this isn't the last you've heard from me on this work.


For this submission, I've included the prologue and the first chapter. So, there's a lot more character development that takes place later on. But, here are my questions:

1. Is Juniper too much of a little girl character and would she make boy readers feel disinterested in her? Not at all! Part of the appeal of 'The Borrowers' type story you're expanding on is that it throws most considerations of gender out of the window--this is a story about tiny people, they have to be sharp!
tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HADToBeSharp
They are in a world where everything is rigged against them--they have to be smarter and tougher than everything around them.
The stakes are really quite effectively set up by virtue of size and scale. I think Juniper is gonna be a hella fun protagonist.
2. Does the story read too dryly? I was aiming for like a Borrower's feel, but I worry I might have appropriated that too much. Also, does anything in the story seem too difficult for a child to grasp? No to all. I feel that your story as it reads now, it sets up your conflict and world beautifully--you do a great job

3. Does the story make you want to read further once you finish the first chapter?
Yes. You've set up this borrowers-esque world (As noted above, this is a great way to increase a sense of scale, stakes and urgency) and at least I for one, want to read more. Its part of the charm of the piece--you have a simple elegance and choose most of the right words to get your story across. I feel like you might not need a preface--why bother with a prologue--this could fit into one chapter. Just go in with both feet. More on that tomorrow and after I get some other people's thoughts on this variation.

Keep up the good work!
Charlies Feedback on Abis intro SMALLEST.pdf (104.71 KB)

[Julia]

1. Is Juniper too much of a little girl character and would she make boy readers feel disinterested in her?

I didn’t really see here as stereotypically girly. She hates cute fairy houses and wearing shoes. I think kids would be excited by following her: “if I am such a very small Bijuwee, then I must have some very big adventures in store.”


2. Does the story read too dryly? I was aiming for like a Borrower's feel, but I worry I might have appropriated that too much. Also, does anything in the story seem too difficult for a child to grasp?

I didn’t think it was dry at all, tons of funny moments. I love the references to the roly poly eating socks and Juniper’s hatred of potatoes. The lines of dialogue that restated the previous line of narrative sets a silly tone.

However, I would probably cut the prologue. The mock formal narrator is funny but seems unrelated to the rest of the story. It opens as if the story is going to be about the one different house in the neighborhood, then it seems like it’s going to be about fairies, but then we get to the Bijouwee and those things turned out not to matter very much. Even if Jade and 316 and the cookie cutter neighborhood are going to be plot points down the line, the reader doesn't need so much information at the start.  I think a young reader is going to be more engaged by seeing things from Juniper's perspective.  I like hearing the backstory from her in the boxwood, watching the humans with “their tiny, useless creation.” Her thoughts tell us a lot of the ideas covered in the prologue in a more immediate, interesting way.


3. Does the story make you want to read further once you finish the first chapter?

Absolutely! This is a short critique because I didn’t have much to suggest. You set up the character and the world, and then set the plot in motion.

[justin1023]

Jun 15, 2017 14:12:13 GMT Julia said:

However, I would probably cut the prologue. The mock formal narrator is funny but seems unrelated to the rest of the story. It opens as if the story is going to be about the one different house in the neighborhood, then it seems like it’s going to be about fairies, but then we get to the Bijouwee and those things turned out not to matter very much. Even if Jade and 316 and the cookie cutter neighborhood are going to be plot points down the line, the reader doesn't need so much information at the start. I think a young reader is going to be more engaged by seeing things from Juniper's perspective. I like hearing the backstory from her in the boxwood, watching the humans with “their tiny, useless creation.” Her thoughts tell us a lot of the ideas covered in the prologue in a more immediate, interesting way.

I was fighting this idea because I thought the prologue was so damn funny. But with both Julia and Charlie mentioning it, I think it's worth Abi considering removing it. There will be plenty of opportunity for humor throughout the book.

[abi]

Hey guys, thanks so much for your time and critiques! Everything helps, you know?

Well, I think the biggest consensus was that the beginning was too long or that it should be included with the first chapter. So, I’ve since tried it out and edited it down, and I’m going to see if that works better. But anyway, I’m so glad that no one thought a boy might be deterred by my main character. I think that was my biggest worry. So, I’m hoping that Juniper will stay relevant for the rest of the book as well.

Justin, you mentioned the whole “pig-human” confusion. Which, I could see. So, in my revisions, I’m going to try to make that more clear. But, it might just be one of those things I need to take out, simply refer to them as humans? I guess I’ll try both to see which works better. And I’ll also see if I can add more of the “day dream” feel to the beginning. (Also, I’m really glad you’ve read The Phantom Tollbooth, as that was one of my favorite books as a kid.)

Charlie, I like your idea of starting with that other line. I’m going to reorder the opening and see if I can swing that. It get’s the story to the action faster, which is a good thing for my child readers. (Also, that was a crazy dream about Mr. Tumnus, and I’d like to hear more about your mystic youth sometime.)

Julia, you made some really good points. I am going to rewrite the beginning, but I don’t know if I can get rid of everything completely. We do come back to Jade and her grandmother in the middle of the book, and I’m worried that my readers will be confused by me mentioning these new characters so late in the story. (They also come in at the end too, and I’m writing a sequel to this novel now where they may show up again.) So, I’ll see if I can cut out as much as I can, but I’m still not convinced I can get away with taking it all out. I don’t know, I’ll play with it and see if I can.

Anyway, thanks again, guys. I really appreciate you all taking the time to read it. I hope this novel will be ready for the world someday.