Tianna's 1st Submission: Unraveling

[princessdiana92]

Hello writing loves!

Many of you will recognize this story, though it's gone through some changes. 

Thank you so much for taking a look, and sincerest apologies for being absent on here. Once I get more of routine and rhythm down with my new job, I promise I'll be much more active!

I'm planning to submit this story again for publication (it's been rejected a few times before these revisions) so any feedback is helpful!

xxx

Unraveling_Tianna_G REVISED.pdf (225.63 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Hey Tianna!
This thing has come a good ways since its last iteration. It feels more complete circuit is the good news.

-Questions. This seems to be a theme throughout the story, at both the grammatical and thematic level. Dex asks himself a lot of questions, and oddly, so do the people doing the operation (see my line notes regarding that, attached). I wonder, though, how the story would look if the story removed about half of the questions. Dex's questioning gaze is interesting, but the more confused he is, overtly anyway, the more we can bath in the waters of the Lethe and your word-play. I would present what he sees matter-of-factly--rely on the senses and give clues to his identity. For example, lets put what we know about Dex into a table of the five senses:

TOUCH: We know he's a former cardsharp with a LOT of guilt (survivors and otherwise). So a sentence like this, early on, would do wonders and not force you to back-load your exposition: 'His hands caught the edges of phantom cards, shuffled them flat before he realized there was nothing there. His hands remembered, even if his brain had betrayed him.' or something like that
TASTE: Not much going on here, except the obvious penny in his mouth. Linger on it, draw attention back to it throughout the story as a reference so it isn't forgotten--it shows up early on the first page--move it to the end of the first or the beginning of the second. Let us settle into Dex's skin, get more of a feel for the place he's in.
SMELL: I dunno about this one just off hand--but maybe the smell of disinfectant in the operating room lingers in Dex's nose and tips him off that something is wrong, that he's at the end of a long road.
SIGHT: Dex has been internally dead for a long time--a cool way to play with this would not be to give him flashbacks persay, but have the image of a 'broken woman' flash across his minds eye and cause him intolerable, unknowable pain and serve as a driving device for him moving around and getting to the subway/river.
HEARING: I'm sure you could do a lot more with this sense--everything is so sterile going into the Lethe headquarters, I'm sure you could do something with the echoes and clicks of every day life to enhance the eerie qualities.

Onto some quotes:

[/quote]

Beth was always Mum’s favorite, the one who put the special glint in her eye. He could never compare, never come close; though they’d shared the same womb, the same space for nine months, the moment they were born, Dex disappeared and Elizabeth reigned.

I feel like the fact that Beth is his sister actively takes away from the story--although feel free to stop me if you feel its vital. We have a man surgically deprived of self-identity in large part, and this clarity jars with the premise on a first (and second time, even) read. I like the dynamic, but part of what would intrigue me is if Elizabeth remained undefined, a yearning only given a name, if even that, associated with an image he doesn't see as his. You can scatter clues (if you want to get detective-y) and false flags--let the audience speculate--whether you resolve the mystery (or whether it ultimately matters) is up to you.


Closing:

A sodden piece of paper, dripping. A handwritten note of a few lines, but the ink was no longer legible, letters bleeding into each other. For some reason, he found himself thinking of a broken bird who never learned to fly. A tear formed and ran down his cheek; he watched as it rippled into the river.

This is what links the story to a circuit--it's good writing, but it needs to link to the beginning more primally. If you start with something like 'there was a river somewhere, and Dex knew he needed to cross it, but not why' this ending is much stronger.

I have more to say but I'll let someone else contribute and then chime in.

Charlie


Charlies Line notes on Unravelling 2017.pdf (113.21 KB)

[justin1023]

Jun 20, 2017 0:50:20 GMT princessdiana92 said:

Hello writing loves!

Many of you will recognize this story, though it's gone through some changes. 

Thank you so much for taking a look, and sincerest apologies for being absent on here. Once I get more of routine and rhythm down with my new job, I promise I'll be much more active!

I'm planning to submit this story again for publication (it's been rejected a few times before these revisions) so any feedback is helpful!

xxx

Tianna, 

You are absolutely right to focus on submitting this story for publication. I think this has become—far and away—your best story. It was solid the first pass during workshop, and it's gotten so much better. I think there are just a few minor things that will push it over the top and get you published. 

First, let's talk about what works well in this story. The sense of loss, the pain, it's all present throughout. I feel it as a reader. You've struck the right balance there. I don't, at any point, question Dex's decision to Unravel. That, as I remember, is a big change from the first draft. Additionally, the Unraveling, the reasons behind it, the ending, all so so so clear now. Well done. The world is well done, the plot tight. Great work. 

With that in mind, here are the two main suggestions: 

1) Cut down on passive phrases

I marked a few of these in the line notes, but you'll want to read through and spot others. Some passive phrases are fine, but there are a lot in here. Examples: 


The doctors began shouting should be The doctors shouted.


Dex felt his air choked off could be something like Dex's air choked off.

Stuff like that, little fixes, will go a long way. 

2) Cut back on Dex's pain

Weird right? I just said you did a great job making me feel the pain. But in that, you also complicated the narrative. Having him remember the pain tied to his wife and to his sister's death is too much. It throws too many characters in there and is jarring. There's this image you have of him looking down at his sister after she jumped. I say play that up. Focus on his sister's suicide. Or, crazy thought, make it be his wife that committed suicide. That would allow you to combine the narratives. I think it will be so much cleaner with just one catalyst for his desire to Unravel. 

All that said, this story is so close to ready. Take one more pass at it then shotgun this thing out to journals! Great job!

Attachments:

Unraveling_Tianna_G REVISED.pdf (370.37 KB)

[abi]

Jun 20, 2017 0:50:20 GMT princessdiana92 said:

Hello writing loves!

Many of you will recognize this story, though it's gone through some changes. 

Thank you so much for taking a look, and sincerest apologies for being absent on here. Once I get more of routine and rhythm down with my new job, I promise I'll be much more active!

I'm planning to submit this story again for publication (it's been rejected a few times before these revisions) so any feedback is helpful!

xxx

Yes! I’m glad you’re submitting this one, too. Maybe you can tell us where you’ve already submitted when you’re allowed to respond to us? I only ask because I think this story might do well in some of the speculative fiction mags. Stories like this are not always easy to find mags for. But keep submitting!! If you know you have a good story, don’t be offended by people that don’t want it. Just keep sending it out.

I think what makes this story so successful is the blending of lyrical language with the plot of the story and a greater philosophical idea that maybe carries on after the story is over. That’s hard to pull off, and I think this story does it well. Of course, I was already a fan of this story when we read it the first time, Tianna. And that’s still true now. My favorite paragraph is the one that begins,

“The doctors’ eyes were another matter—unreadable, as fathomless as the depths of an ocean stretching far beneath him.”

That’s a great paragraph for so many reasons, and the whole surgery scene too.

There’s something though about this revision that makes me think the beginning is a little different? Or maybe this is just me rereading it with a more critical eye. But, I wonder if there’s a way to condense the beginning so that we get to the scene with the doctor faster. Can you move from him waking up with the penny in his mouth straight to looking into the eyes of the people on the subway and then to the doctor’s eyes when the surgery took place. Does that make sense? There are a quite a few descriptions in that first part that just don’t seem as incredible as the ones later one. For instance, the sentence,

“Unless he was heading for River Styx, he couldn’t think of any reason why…”

I don’t think you need to mention “River Styx,” with the penny and later the actual river, you readers will be thinking of that river without you needing to tell them. And then the sentence,

“He felt like a caterpillar, splitting open the outer shell of his cocoon and climbing free, emerging into the same world as a new creature with wings.”

This sentence says he feels like a “caterpillar” and then explains what that would feel like. You don’t need to say both, either describe the feeling or just say what he was feeling like. I’m of the opinion that you describe everything much better later on anyway. For instance, the line

“The world was new, raw and pink, as if he had just awoken from a long hibernation in his mother’s womb,”

which is a much cooler line and a more unique way of saying the same thing than the caterpillar line was getting at. So, that’s just my opinion on what this story needs. But I’m open to being argued with. Condense the beginning, get to doctor scene faster.

As for the rest of it, I think this story is ready for a home. It’s unique, it has things in it that are really relevant to what’s going on in the world right now. I think one more round of revision will just put this story over the top. And then, just let it be, because it’s ready. Over editing can sometimes leave us with polished mediocrity (that’s not what’s going on here, I just want to make sure this story retains it’s awesomeness). Someone is going to love this and want to publish it, you just have to find them.

APs Line Notes_Unraveling_Tianna_G REVISED.pdf (312.68 KB)

[Julia]

The story is of course beautifully written as always. The atmosphere is so moody and almost feels in slow motion: “The day was bright, and there were many people milling about, all dressed in fantastic clothes.” “Deep beneath the city, the darkest depths of the ocean, teeming with life, creatures who never saw the light of day.” The recurring motifs of eyes and bodies of water add to the dreamlike state. The description of the train gives the feeling of both movement and being confined.

Dex felt like a realistic, three-dimensional character. I liked the detail of his habits, how he stares at people in the subway, trying to figure them out, how he takes the stairs two at a time, impatient. The moment where he considers throwing himself on the track but remembers his sister was a great way to show why he chose unraveling instead of death.

I think you could withhold more information from the reader so they have more to work out for themselves. On the first page, we learn that his memory was altered from the man at the desk. On the third page, we see the description of Elizabeth splattered on the pavement. Immediately we know he intentionally had this done and he is trying to escape painful memories.

Dex almost had too many reasons to want to erase the past. I wasn’t conflicted about his choice, like I felt watching “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I was like, sure, all that stuff sounds terrible, Dex might as well try memory erasure. Even at the end, I kind of thought that death might be preferable. Maybe you could just hint at things. Have him remember visuals of Jenna’s pregnant belly and decks of cards, without stating outright that Jenna’s baby wasn’t his and he’s a gambler.

[Charlie Allison]

Jun 23, 2017 0:31:20 GMT Julia said:

The story is of course beautifully written as always. The atmosphere is so moody and almost feels in slow motion: “The day was bright, and there were many people milling about, all dressed in fantastic clothes.” “Deep beneath the city, the darkest depths of the ocean, teeming with life, creatures who never saw the light of day.” The recurring motifs of eyes and bodies of water add to the dreamlike state. The description of the train gives the feeling of both movement and being confined.

Dex felt like a realistic, three-dimensional character. I liked the detail of his habits, how he stares at people in the subway, trying to figure them out, how he takes the stairs two at a time, impatient. The moment where he considers throwing himself on the track but remembers his sister was a great way to show why he chose unraveling instead of death.

I think you could withhold more information from the reader so they have more to work out for themselves. On the first page, we learn that his memory was altered from the man at the desk. On the third page, we see the description of Elizabeth splattered on the pavement. Immediately we know he intentionally had this done and he is trying to escape painful memories.

Dex almost had too many reasons to want to erase the past. I wasn’t conflicted about his choice, like I felt watching “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I was like, sure, all that stuff sounds terrible, Dex might as well try memory erasure. Even at the end, I kind of thought that death might be preferable. Maybe you could just hint at things. Have him remember visuals of Jenna’s pregnant belly and decks of cards, without stating outright that Jenna’s baby wasn’t his and he’s a gambler.

Yeah, the term 'orgy of evidence' is used to describe that situation that Julia described--Dex simply has too many reasons to take up the surgery and get excised. They sort of trip over each other--complicating it. It makes each individual thread weaker, if you take my meaning, than one strong central pain. The woman, broken from a fall, is an image I think Tianna rightfully identified as powerful and evocative--and drives the story. We don't need to know, because Dex doesn't know--but it still drives him.
This goes towards the idea of character immersion--this isn't third person omniscient--it's third person limited. We are confined by Dex's lack of insight and memory, it's the latticework of the story and source of the tension. Thusly, I think Tianna would be well advised to drop hints, use a light touch, in regards to the woman broken on the street--and integrate memories into the physical, but never NAME them (For example 'Dex felt shame--he'd been a cardsharp, a drunk and a lousy husband' is telling us too much. Something like 'Dex's head throbbed and his hands reached, without his permission for a pack of cards he kept in his backpocket, but found nothing.' or something might accomplish that better)
Less is more--but the good news, Tianna, is that you've given us so much, that now the only thing truly incumbent upon you is to pick out the parts you like, the parts that sing, and gut the rest like a discount fish or a service-industry retailer who won't give you change.
(May have slipped a bit there)
Hope this helps!

Charlie