Tianna's 2nd Submission ~ Shackled / Shards (Rewritten)

[princessdiana92]

Chasing Cass. Rewrite Ch 1 -2.pdf (121.87 KB)


Hey all, 

Thanks for taking a look. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. 

My main goal for revising my novel Chasing Cassandra has been to 'rewrite' each chapter (some more than others). 
I don't want to get rid of the original too much, but Chapter 1 needed a lot of reworking so it will probably be the most altered, as you'll see here. 

I added in some details about Zoe's mother, too - getting more hints of her background and a mention of her sister (though I'm not positive about keeping it in). 

And, per Justin's suggestion, the flashbacks are now separate chapters with the only indication of this being past tense. Interested to see if you think this works, although it may make for some short chapters to break up the prison sequences, I'm liking it so far. Might even add in more (since I have a lot written in the past that I chose to keep out). 

Any and all thoughts welcome, particularly with the addition of Zoe's background and the flashbacks (i.e. add more to them & make the chapters longer or keep them short and sweet?).

Thank youuuu

<3
xxx love you guys!

[justin1023]

Jul 23, 2017 16:49:13 GMT princessdiana92 said:

Hey all, 

Thanks for taking a look. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. 

My main goal for revising my novel Chasing Cassandra has been to 'rewrite' each chapter (some more than others). 
I don't want to get rid of the original too much, but Chapter 1 needed a lot of reworking so it will probably be the most altered, as you'll see here. 

I added in some details about Zoe's mother, too - getting more hints of her background and a mention of her sister (though I'm not positive about keeping it in). 

And, per Justin's suggestion, the flashbacks are now separate chapters with the only indication of this being past tense. Interested to see if you think this works, although it may make for some short chapters to break up the prison sequences, I'm liking it so far. Might even add in more (since I have a lot written in the past that I chose to keep out). 

Any and all thoughts welcome, particularly with the addition of Zoe's background and the flashbacks (i.e. add more to them & make the chapters longer or keep them short and sweet?).

Thank youuuu

<3
xxx love you guys!

Tianna, 

This is such a stronger opening. The changes you made were spot-on. Having Carlow act more like a guard works well. Having the male guards have what feels like "real" dialogue works too. It was too passive before, with dialogue that felt stage. This feel real, gritty, prison-like. The other really strong thing about this chapter is you holding back on Zoe's dialogue until the end. I actually marked in my line notes that I don't think you should have Zoe say anything in this chapter besides her name. Having her keep quiet allows us all to sink into this new world with her. 

The mini-chapters for flashbacks are going to work so well. It's clear from this first example. I did not like the breaks in the middle of chapters, but offsetting each flashback as its own chapter both feels natural and prevents the reader from having to process too much. Before, you were asking the reader to recognize the tense switch and then the switch back within the same chapter. Now, it's easier because theirs a whole page break of indication. 

I like the hint at the beginning of Zoe's mother and by using her sister's past tense dialogue in memory, you do a good job of introducing us to Zoe's family without bogging the story down. In fact, this entire intro feels less bogged down, and flows so much more naturally. Which is great because it allows me to pick on the minor things that are really going to take this over the top!

Fortunately, I only have two things to hit on: 

Telling and Dialogue Tags. 

The telling actually isn't all that bad. It's a far cry from what it was when you first started work on this. But there are moments that slow the story down, take the reader away from what you're trying to do. Example: 

Carlow puts her hands on her hips and stitches her arched brows together, breathing a sigh [like I’m causing her undue frustration].

I put square brackets around the telling part. And you'll notice that removing that doesn't take away from the showing you had already done. We get the same impression without the telling. 

Another example: 

The male guards release me reluctantly. [Johnson looks ready to defend their honor, but he snaps his mouth shut as the female CO gives them a meaningful look.]

Everything you wrote before and after these two sentences showed me what I needed to see without being told that Johnson wanted to talk back, defend himself against a woman of all things. No need to spell it out. 

As for dialogue tags, you use a lot of action descriptors rather than tags (asks, demands, etc.). You also use tags when they are not needed. I'm not saying you have to stick to "said" and that you should cut out all tags entirely, but I do think you want to cut back on tags in general. And when you use them, keep it to "said" or "says" or "asked" or "asks."

Example: 

“What do we have here?” [he asks.] His eyes flicker down the length of my body. “Tasty meal.”

We know he is asking a question because of the question mark. And in this case you have legitimate description to set between the two chunks of dialogue. Don't add a dialogue tag as well. 

Another: 

“Strip,” [Carlow demands.]
In this case, the word "strip" is so powerful and already sits on its own line. Leave just the the word there for more impact. The reader clearly knows this is Carlow as Zoe A) hasn't spoken and B) wouldn't say that. 

This has come such a long way, and I'd say this intro is 95% there. Great job, Tianna!

Attachments:

Chasing Cass. Rewrite Ch 1 -2.pdf (223.89 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Tianna:

There is a lot of good things to say about this iteration of the opening: it is coherent, makes sense in universe and is internally consistent. This is setting the scene and the cast of characters for everyone but Zoe:

-Richards is an asshole (what a shock!)
-Carlow is a relatively reasonable person
-Prison isn't great, but its easier if you follow the rules and what's expected of you when you're new
-Nobody particularly cares what happens to a new con

So, a good set up. What threw me off is the high amount of personification in the first few pages, starting with the first line. You make a lot of effort to describe Zoe as figuratively 'dead': her non-reaction to stimuli, her focus on 'purgatory' or being eaten alive in the opening pages. Personally, I think the referernce to 'nightmares' and 'purgatory' actively works against you in the opening. If you TELL us this place is bad, we miss a lot of your description by force of habit. Which is a shame, given the depth of your descriptive abilities. Lets take an example on the first page:

I open my eyes to nightmare reality - plain slate, mortar, iron bars. No windows to display the hot New Mexican sun shining through. No light at all beyond the artificial fluorescent bulbs buzzing a low hum from above, burning against my eyelids as if I’m a specimen stretched out on an examination table.

While this isn't bad, the fact is that the 'nightmare' inclusion actively discourages the reader from 'seeing' the rest of the scene. We already know you want us to think its bad, so our minds wander a bit. I think you have wonderful bits of description in here, poetry in places, but lets imagine that opening line where your only two goals are to a) get and sustain a hook, and b) set a mood:

I open my eyes to reality - slate, mortar, iron bars. No windows to display the hot New Mexican sun shining through. No light at all beyond the artificial fluorescent bulbs buzzing a low hum from above, burning against my eyelids as if I’m a specimen stretched out on an examination table.

Just by removing two words, the scene is more immediate--and we're focused on what ISN'T in the scene, as you've pointed out. There are other examples of this throughout, but its less a inherent problem and more a matter of (always) narrowing your focus, linguistically speaking. So at least, the good news is that the line notes I have for you won't take very long to complete. You've really sharpened this opening!

Good work, Tianna--I have more to say in my line notes. I concur that Zoe should have a few more speaking opportunities--no big Saint Crispin's Day speech or anything, but something to give the reader a hint at her personality--just maybe two more lines of dialogue.

Charlies Line notes CHASING CASSANDRA.pdf (68.59 KB)

[justin1023]

Jul 27, 2017 12:15:09 GMT Charlie Allison said:

I have more to say in my line notes. I concur that Zoe should have a few more speaking opportunities--no big Saint Crispin's Day speech or anything, but something to give the reader a hint at her personality--just maybe two more lines of dialogue.

That's funny, I totally had the opposite reaction. I suggested she TAKE OUT one of the two spots where Zoe speaks. I very much like being thrown into the prison and being lost and helpless just like Zoe. Having her speak, in my opinion, takes away from that chapter. Tianna has the rest of the book to establish Zoe's personality. This chapter needs to establish the horror of what Zoe is about to go through. 

[Julia]

Great job! I don’t have much to say about this. The first chapter really draws the reader in. The details of the prison create a menacing tone. You show us the guards’ characters while slipping in exposition. Their dialogue felt natural: “Probably caught her sleeping around. Those sluts always feel so righteous protecting their lovers from the old man.” Carlow is intriguing from the beginning, tough but a potential ally for Zoe. The details from the intake really make the chapter come alive. I like how Carlow guesses her shoe size.

The opening was a little confusing to me. She’s in the cell and remembering the bus coming into the prison? Or she’s on the bus and then gets put in the cell in real time?

Is chapter 2 just going to be that one page? Personally I would prefer longer flashbacks, but it’s hard to say having not read the whole book. (Sorry I haven’t had time to read anyone’s manuscripts! It’s been so long since I read anything for fun.)

[abi]

Jul 23, 2017 16:49:13 GMT princessdiana92 said:

Hey all, 

Thanks for taking a look. I'm looking forward to your thoughts. 

My main goal for revising my novel Chasing Cassandra has been to 'rewrite' each chapter (some more than others). 
I don't want to get rid of the original too much, but Chapter 1 needed a lot of reworking so it will probably be the most altered, as you'll see here. 

I added in some details about Zoe's mother, too - getting more hints of her background and a mention of her sister (though I'm not positive about keeping it in). 

And, per Justin's suggestion, the flashbacks are now separate chapters with the only indication of this being past tense. Interested to see if you think this works, although it may make for some short chapters to break up the prison sequences, I'm liking it so far. Might even add in more (since I have a lot written in the past that I chose to keep out). 

Any and all thoughts welcome, particularly with the addition of Zoe's background and the flashbacks (i.e. add more to them & make the chapters longer or keep them short and sweet?).

Thank youuuu

<3
xxx love you guys!

Ah, sorry I’m so late with this!

I think this is a strong chapter, what with all the changes you’ve made to it and how focused it is now. It’s come a long way. Justin’s suggestions are usually on point, and I think giving the flashbacks their own chapters was excellent. Plus, the additional mentions of her mother, following in her mother’s footsteps, was excellent foreshadowing. Keep that.

I do think, now that you’ve distilled the first chapter, that there is a bit of a disconnect between the stark dialog and the more lengthy poetic descriptions in the beginning. I also think that you probably shouldn’t do too much more tweaking because it’s just about perfect and you don’t want to beat it till you break its spirit. But, I maybe you could start the whole thing with the fourth paragraph down, the one that begins,

“The bus rattled through the gates marked by a barren stone sign.”

I do love your descriptions, but it might be good to keep them balanced with the dialog. That being said, I think my critique is more design stuff and not really about the story, which is a good sign that you should be looking less towards revision and more towards where you’re going to send it if you haven’t already. By the way, where have you sent it? Are you still looking? Where are you in that process? Because I think it’s time. An editor/agent might have a better idea of what edits they want to see than we do. Food for thought.

On a side note, I absolutely loved the sentence,

“Penumbra Penitentiary grins and yawns as it ate our bus alive,”

and,

“My finger comes away jet black, like octopi ink leaking into every crease,”

and really the whole paragraph,

“There are granny panties with extra-stretchy elastic and a cloth bra that wraps my chest like a tight sling. The bright jumpsuit devours me like a strange, scratchy skin. My new identity is stitched across my chest: Inmate #20459-810. The electrified beat of my heart bristles and threatens to burst.”

That is some excellent description, right there. And also the dialog was pretty raw. I don’t remember quite what it was before, but I’m pretty sure any changes you’ve made were really great.

I did make a few other minor edits, but like I said, they’re minor. This is a great chapter and the start of a great novel. What more can we say?

The flashback at the end did give me pause, because it does seem a bit melodramatic, but I don’t remember what happens next in the scene. So, I’ll reserve my judgment for when/if you post the rest of the next chapter. Unless someone wants to debate with me about it now? Charlie? Justin? No one? Ok, good.

Wonderful work, Tianna. It’s really come a long way, and all of your hard work has really paid off. I’m excited to see what happens with the novel and where it will up getting published. And it will be! I just know it.

AP Line Notes_Chasing Cass. Rewrite Ch 1 -2.pdf (185.31 KB)