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Post by Charlie Allison on Jul 31, 2017 16:51:59 GMT
Ok guys. Gotta say this thing is really rough, but on the upside, its short (only about 2k words). I'm trying to get exposition out and give a sense of grounding here, but its still in its infant stages. What details would be more helpful in making this a fleshed-out chapter? Worldbuilding? Personal data from Ursula? Geopolitical stuff? Should I bring in the Captain and the Wolfward Express more? This chapter feels like a framing device (And its meant to foreshadow some things, like Tula's identity)--but my question is how can i bring it up to level with say, Portia's chapter, which is set in the same city but feels much different. All the best and thanks so much! Charlie Captain Chapter Judge.pdf (44.24 KB) |
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Post by justin1023 on Aug 1, 2017 14:01:36 GMT
Ok guys. Gotta say this thing is really rough, but on the upside, its short (only about 2k words). I'm trying to get exposition out and give a sense of grounding here, but its still in its infant stages. What details would be more helpful in making this a fleshed-out chapter? Worldbuilding? Personal data from Ursula? Geopolitical stuff? Should I bring in the Captain and the Wolfward Express more? This chapter feels like a framing device (And its meant to foreshadow some things, like Tula's identity)--but my question is how can i bring it up to level with say, Portia's chapter, which is set in the same city but feels much different. All the best and thanks so much! Charlie Charlie, This is an opening chapter or THE OPENING chapter? A lot of my feedback applies regardless, but if it is the first chapter in the novel, it runs a little too slow to be used as a hook. So, side-feedback (if you were planning on this being the first), give us the attack via the resistance which is referenced and integral to this chapter as the first chapter of the novel. Ok, onto my feedback for this one. I think this is actually less rough than you think. You did a really wonderful job of keeping your worldbuilding scaled back and intentional. So, you ask if it needs more worldbuilding and the answer is a resounding NO. What I want and what I think all readers want is a sense of where this is going, and we get that. Volare the conquering asshat and Ursula the damaged politician who sacrificed her city to save her city. That's all wonderful. We can see what is going to happen. The stakes have been set. Here's the trouble with this chapter: Ursula's big speech at the end is entirely forced backstory. Sure, the reader eventually needs to know the why behind her helping fight alongside Volare, but that speech is not how they should learn it. In fact, I'd argue that through Ursula's actions as the novel progresses, the readers should learn of her motivations. She never explicitly needs to state why she supported Volare. We do need to hear Ursula threaten Volare with protection via force if he chooses to bring force to the city because of the attacks. That's important and needs stay, but scrap the rest of the speech. Final point on this chapter is that it's not clear to me why Volare and Ursula are meeting in the first place. Is it because of the attacks? Ursula didn't know about them, so was she just summoned to have dinner with Volare? Id suggest fleshing that out a bit in the beginning. Along those lines, start your chapter with some mention of Ursula. Because you dive right into description of Volare, I thought the chapter was going to be from his perspective. So the switch to Ursula's on the bottom of the first page threw me quite a bit. But that's it man. I've had much more to say on other pieces you've submitted, so your version of "rough" really isn't all that rough at all in my opinion. I think this is really solid with only some minor adjustments as outlined above needed. Great job! |
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abi
New Member
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Post by abi on Aug 5, 2017 4:31:17 GMT
Ok guys. Gotta say this thing is really rough, but on the upside, its short (only about 2k words). I'm trying to get exposition out and give a sense of grounding here, but its still in its infant stages. What details would be more helpful in making this a fleshed-out chapter? Worldbuilding? Personal data from Ursula? Geopolitical stuff? Should I bring in the Captain and the Wolfward Express more? This chapter feels like a framing device (And its meant to foreshadow some things, like Tula's identity)--but my question is how can i bring it up to level with say, Portia's chapter, which is set in the same city but feels much different. All the best and thanks so much! Charlie I think, for me, this chapter does what it needs to do. In the beginning, I did have a bit of trouble with the fact that the Breaking of Teoticama was referred to but not explained. Of course, as the story progressed, I caught on to what had happened pretty quickly just by context. So, I don’t think that’s something that needs to be changed. I did think that perhaps you could cut the first few paragraphs. I know they do explain more about what happened to Volare’s arm, but having it right there at the beginning slows everything down a bit, I think. It might be more useful to just describe the arm in passing, and then if any more information is needed later in the story, bring it in with the context again. That should be fine. My recommendation is just to start the story right away with the paragraph, “Ursula, High Judge of Teoticama, wheeled herself to...” If you start there, I think the reader will be more grounded in what’s going, seeing as this first part is more from Ursula’s perspective anyway. I want to take a moment to say that I think you missed a valuable opportunity for inserting more comedy into this part of the story. Although, perhaps comedy is not your intention. If that’s the case, then you can just ignore this next bit. But I think it’s darn hilarious that this whole serious meeting is taking place at restaurant where they have to kick a family with a toddler out. I kind of wanted that described more? Here they are, big important people who played a huge role in this war, sitting down to dinner at just another restaurant in the city. It would be even more hilarious if we had details about what the restaurant looked like, maybe it’s one of those cheesy themed places or maybe its fast food or something. Either way, I think it would add to the humor. (Bugget could serve them some nuggets. Joking, of course. That wouldn’t end well.) I’m not sure if I can say yet whether there needs to be more of the Captain and the Express in it. This is just the beginning, after all. I think I’d want to see how Charlie is planning to fit this chapter in with the rest. As it stands now, I think we’re missing something from the end, mainly, how Volare is going to react to being challenged or what awesomely violent thing Ursula is going to do to him. Do we learn about that later on? Does it jump to a new chapter? There might need to be more about the Captain just to segue into the next part of the story, but it’s hard for me to say just yet. Anyway, there were a lot of things I loved about this story, Charlie. Particularly the description, Volare is such a douche, but Charlie describes his self-confidence in such a way that describes his douchey nature and makes me feel so much more for Ursula. I hope she is able make good on her boast because he does need to be taken down a peg. AP Line Notes_Captain Chapter Judge.pdf (74.58 KB) |
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Julia
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Post by Julia on Aug 9, 2017 12:43:53 GMT
I like the way you draw us in with a description of Volare’s hand. It gives us several mysteries to wonder about and establishes his character. The setting of the scene is also great, the sandstone walls, the scattering patrons. Even their choice of entrees tells us about the characters.
I liked Ursula right away, even though I couldn’t put my finger on why. I think her competence and intelligence comes through. She has been defeated and is willing to put her pride aside by eating in public with Volare. I can feel her anger underneath the politeness. I could picture her saying, “I’m used to keeping my people in line.”
For me, there was too much detail for my brain to process in the first few pages. I think it might be better to have more dialogue but keep the chapter the same length. On page 3, Volare says there have been 2 attacks. Then we have a paragraph of Ursula’s thoughts on the significance of the attacks. Then she says “How many dead?” If you cut the intermediate paragraph and just had the dialogue, the reader can interpret Ursula’s terse reply and understand that it is a big deal, without the backstory.
If this is a first chapter, I think it’s too much for us to hear every detail about the Eastern causeway, the timing of every attack, refugees, mining etc. Just give us a conversation between 2 people and let the details emerge slowly. I assumed the important part was there were attacks on the Express and the use of Powder, but I had to read the pages several times to sift through everything.
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