Face of the Sky d3

[Charlie Allison]

Now with more scorpions, phermones, and berserking literal mountain men!


Face of the Sky august 2017.pdf (120.86 KB)

I really want to get this heist-story out to the SFWA-Qualifying markets like Apex or Psuedopod--l really want to sharpen this to Mixcoatl's Net levels. I went through another couple of revisions before submitting it--but I still think the ending needs to be sharper and more satisfying--connected to the rest of the piece.
-How does the rest of the story stand-up? Can you visualize the characters and world or does one swallow the other?
-Are there enough obstacles to reaching the Face of the Sky? I'm strongly considering having it be a downer ending--have them reach the Face of the Sky and perish. Given the tone, could I get away with a shaggy-dog story?

I'd love to know your thoughts and thanks again!


Charlie

[justin1023]

Aug 15, 2017 19:26:34 GMT Charlie Allison said:

Now with more scorpions, phermones, and berserking literal mountain men!




I really want to get this heist-story out to the SFWA-Qualifying markets like Apex or Psuedopod--l really want to sharpen this to Mixcoatl's Net levels. I went through another couple of revisions before submitting it--but I still think the ending needs to be sharper and more satisfying--connected to the rest of the piece.
-How does the rest of the story stand-up? Can you visualize the characters and world or does one swallow the other?
-Are there enough obstacles to reaching the Face of the Sky? I'm strongly considering having it be a downer ending--have them reach the Face of the Sky and perish. Given the tone, could I get away with a shaggy-dog story?

I'd love to know your thoughts and thanks again!


Charlie

Charlie, you sir, are in good shape with this story! You'll see in my line notes that I'm mostly picking on sentence-level stuff. The story is there, and the story fucking works. Good job! I do have some questions though (not a lot):

-The ending confused me as to what exactly the face of the sky is. The quote at the beginning says "My teeth glitter with jewels and turquoise--they stand out, blue with stones like the face of the sky." Then, at the end, you say "The Face of the Sky glimmered, backlit by red security lights inside an oubliette." So is the Face of the Sky the turquoise? Or is it the shining sky? Simple clarification and you'll be all set there. 

-Why do these masters of the heist want off the island? Seems like an authoritarian regime, sure, but I didn't see evidence of their specific plights. What makes it worse for them that they must execute the heist of all heists to get away. Toci's brother is killed, but he was killed for violating the law, right? I think the story works without this level of detail, but if you can add a bit more backstory and motivation, you might have an even better story. 

-Finally, the sun was banished in this region, replaced by the Resplendid Macaw's eye. So, would they say things like "We expected you at sunset" and "Sunset came earlier than forecast, we were on time—one minute you’re finishing up a load and next the sun is gone because the Boss of Bosses wanted to get some shut eye" (page 7). Seems like that'd be an egregious slight to their God, right?

Ok, now onto your specific questions: 

-The characters and the world are strong. This is a wonderful balance. You did not let the world building steal from the story, and the characters are unique and definitive. They don't melt together. Well done. 
-The obstacles are plenty. There's a lot of tension. The final scene with Karbak is wonderful. I don't think you need to tweak the ending at all (except maybe to explain the escape better*). I don't think you should go for a downer or shaggy dog story with this. Keep it how it is. It's earned, and it works. 

*Ok, so they can escape with ropes but no one could get in with ropes #BecauseMagic? That seemed like an easy out, so you may want to explore that just a bit more. Otherwise, the ending with them escaping with their score is perfect!

This is so damn close to ready to be sent out, Charlie. So, when you do start submitting, don't give up on it and don't take a few rejections as indication that you need to change it again. Make this final pass, make sure you're happy with it, then stick to it as you submit. It'll find a home. 

Attachments:

Face of the Sky august 2017.pdf (221.07 KB)

[Julia]

I really like the premise, the setup of a bank heist. The obstacles the team face are so weird and fun: “The scorpions were the small, shifty-quick types— the smaller creature, the more potent the poison.”  The story of Toci's brother helps raise the stakes from just people trying to get wealth. I liked Toci immediately.  She is competent and brave but also vulnerable. 

The imagery is beautiful: “The Face of the Sky glimmered, backlit by red security lights inside an oubliette. Mineral wealth and aquatic affluence glimmered in its depths.”
I love the idea of tempestuous god-controlled light cycles with the radio giving forecasts. It also sets the atmosphere perfectly. This is a dangerous world where not even day/night is certain. The inhabitants are at the mercy of the Macaw.

At times, I did find it difficult to follow the story. I got Baba and Bell confused a couple of times.  There were so many details especially in the early pages. I might cut some of the finer details: “a pair of prybars, a collection of collapsible dollies for the haul. Blueprints and schema, forged papers and tickets piled in folios.”

I wasn’t sure what Toci was worried about with the sniffers. Can they smell the powder? I had to read about the scorpions a few times because I thought they were trying to sneak turquoise out of the vault. I missed the part about the decoy stuff and pheromones the first time. How are they going to get out with the Face of the Sky and sell it? Won’t they be in trouble for killing Kabrak?


Fun story!