Julia's 3rd Submission - Pineapple Bud

[Julia]

Hey guys!  Sorry I am late on everything.  I hope to catch up this week.

This is another story from the Sexily Adverbing boards.  I am trying to make it more surreal and less farcical.  


PineappleBud_20170623.pdf (149.41 KB)

[justin1023]

Aug 21, 2017 23:50:03 GMT Julia said:

Hey guys!  Sorry I am late on everything.  I hope to catch up this week.

This is another story from the Sexily Adverbing boards.  I am trying to make it more surreal and less farcical.  

Hey Julia, 

I very much enjoyed this story the first time, and it's gotten better. I don't know that it has gotten more surreal, but it has gotten funnier. And that, honestly, is what I think you should aim for. This doesn't strike me as a story that needs to be surreal. It strikes me as a story that needs to show up on the front page of McSweeney's because it's hilarious!

I read this whole thing as a super weird Gilmore Girls-style story, where oddly, the mom in your story came out across as the grandma in Gilmore Girls. But it works. And it makes it extra funny—to me at least. You do a great job of layering in Tara's struggle to find her muse (for lack of a better word) and having Miguel's ED trouble stoke her creativity is perfect. 

The truth is, I think this story is ready for submission minus a few cuts. I don't think it needs anything at all, but there were a couple lines I'd suggest striking. The draft itself is really clean, too. So take a look at my notes, then I'd seriously encourage you to submit this. 

Great job!

Attachments:

PineappleBud_20170623.pdf (221.04 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Strengths:
-Sandencock. Gods, this name is amazing. A key to good satire and surrealism is absolutely name choice--and this is beautifully done with Sandencock. It evokes humor, but nobody in-universe finds it particularly funny--thus giving us tacit permission to giggle every time Mrs. Sandencock attempts to wax philosophical about life.

Progression of character Tara feels more like a coherent character in this iteration. She was never exactly dissipated, but here she feels more focused and coherent--the flashbacks of her trying on different artistic 'hats' help give her a sense of vulnerability and empathy. This is to the story's benefit, since she is the straight woman to her mom's whacky antics, so we need a solid base, character-wise, to make her crazy look all the brighter, so to speak. The idea of specializing in male vulnerability in her art is a nice touch that gives unity to the piece and resolves the conflict.

-Clean copy: you've really outdone yourself--from everything to sentence structure and grammar this is a remarkably low-error draft. I think I caught a single extra period on page one and a homonym on page three, but otherwise this reads smoothly and quickly--key to good storytelling with surrealism and absurdity.

Favorite quotes:

“Now listen, sweetheart. Living is about experiences. You’re majoring in this thing called visual arts, but you can’t understand art if you haven’t had a man’s pulsating rod slip between your aching thighs.” Mrs. Sandencock poured herself a refill. “Do you want to go your whole life without experiencing something that has bound humanity together since the dawn of time?”
“Bound humanity together since the dawn of time?”
“Before you speak again, let’s spend 60 seconds in silence.” She looked at the watch on her slim wrist. “Starting...now.”

I love how you sort of interrupt Mrs. Sandencock's soliloquy to remind the audience that her name is Sandencock, and then furthermore have her daughter call her out for her florid language. This quote is a definite laugh-out-loud moment for me.

Tara knew that she should sweep out of the kitchen in dignified, non-prostitute fashion.

A specimen of the killer one-liners you use through the story that make the story flow.

Her classmates gave her vague compliments. Tara saw a mental absence in their eyes when they looked at it. Still, she never considered changing her majors. She wanted to create. Since she couldn’t shock anyone, she went back to still life: a bowl of fruit, a wedge of cheese, a vase of flowers.

The art-sequence flashback takes a more serious turn--and allows us to feel empathy for her as a person instead of an object--just ahead of the finale. We get a deeper look at what makes her tick and tock--and sets up the ending.

“Yes, of course,” she said. Her voice sounded too loud and aggressive in the silence of her bedroom. Men needed to think women wanted them in these situations. She gave him a slow smile and thrust her chest forward. Men liked women to touch them, so she put a hand on his shoulder.

This reminds me, in a good way, of a person trying to roleplay a role they've had no experience with--and I think that's what you're going for with these sequences--'X like it when Y Z's. So she did.' it really highlights the disconnects between what her mother wants for her--a night of passion and romance-novel-level pounding I guess--and her own musing that this is absurd.

She had drawn Miguel fully clothed, but the crotch area of his jeans was somewhat deflated. Something about him seemed so exposed. Those calf-like brown eyes.

I'm curious to hear what everyone else has to say about this latest iteration.


Charlies Line Notes Sandencock.pdf (167.61 KB)