Mictecacihuatl Rough Draft

[Charlie Allison]

Hey guys!

Sorry it took me so long to plunge into the void again! I have a congested mess here--I'm not sure if it wants to be a 'slice of life', 'high-concept' or simply an accounting of events. I'm afraid that the middle of the story is the interesting part and the the beginning and end feel tacked on--and that Marina is less interesting to the reader than the deity that supports her, in a vague way.

Gods. Space. Gods in space stealing other gods food.

Ready?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mictecacihuatl

Mictecacihuatl rough draft.pdf (63.81 KB)

[justin1023]

Sept 6, 2017 20:44:49 GMT Charlie Allison said:

Hey guys!

Sorry it took me so long to plunge into the void again! I have a congested mess here--I'm not sure if it wants to be a 'slice of life', 'high-concept' or simply an accounting of events. I'm afraid that the middle of the story is the interesting part and the the beginning and end feel tacked on--and that Marina is less interesting to the reader than the deity that supports her, in a vague way.

Gods. Space. Gods in space stealing other gods food.

Ready?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mictecacihuatl

Charlie, I very much like the dive into sci-fi PLUS fantasy that you are doing here. In fact, this draft's biggest strength is the environment. It is cold and unwelcoming and dark and a little bit frightening. And that's perfect for a derelict space craft found floating in space. You have some valid concerns about the pace of the story, though. I won't say the middle is the interesting part and the beginning and end are not. I think what you're missing is a bit of continuity. 

Marina is essentially an extension of her god, as all people on that ship are (I assume). So, you are faced with a challenge. Do you make the god the character with Marina as a vessel? Or do you give Marina more to do, more power, and put her front and center. I would choose the latter, personally, but that's a decision you have to make. Right now, Marina is just sort of exploring without a goal. 

What I think you want this to be is a space pirate story where the reaper of the bounty is the god, right? If so, create a little more drama around Marina launching and going onto this derelict spaceship. Spend a little more time there. You did a great job explaining her first launch and the trap. But then you tell us immediately after, there was no trap on this ship. The god of that ship gives a half-assed attempt at defense, but that's it. Take all the wonderful trope of space horror and try to fold some into this scene with Marina on the ship. Give her a little more personality too. 

Is her life one of service where she wants nothing more? Does she have a life outside of stealing food for her god? What happens if she just doesn't pirate her way into her god's good graces? Does she end up like this other ship? These are the interesting questions to me as a reader. Less interesting to me is the history of the gods and what the gods' strengths might be. Those are just what they are. The story, to me, is about people and how they deal with the life they've been given. Focus on Marina...or make this a totally different type of story and focus on the god like I mentioned above. 

One minor thing I'd suggest also, is use names rather than descriptors a lot more. So, you can drop in Captain-general once or twice for Marina, but then just go with Marina. And for Marina's god, just call her Mictecacihuatl so we know which god you're talking about easily. That means eliminating things like: "The Lady of the Underlands." This applies for Eleanor as well (although I almost think you can eliminate her as a character). Toward the end, I think, you call her the priestess-astronomer, and I had no idea who that was until two paragraphs later. 

All in all, I think you have a wonderful framework here for awesome sci-fi. Dig in on your characters and embrace the genre more than the backstory. I think you have a creepy god-fueled space pirate story here if you want. Good job, man!

Attachments:

Mictecacihuatl.pdf (77.32 KB)

[Julia]

I love the mix of advanced technology and ancient ritual.  I've never see a story with large fields aboard a spaceship before.  It makes so much sense that space travel can only be accomplished by deities.  " Gods dealt in the impossible—farmlands in the void, wrapped by engines that should not work, crewed in part by bodies being pulled one atom at a time back from the rivers and gates of the underworld, nano filament wings of their ships flaring in the vastness of space."  Beautiful!

I think this is some of your best writing.  You grabbed me right away with the derelict ship floating in space. The themes and conflict were clear.  I found Marina more interesting than her Goddess.  She had doubts about boarding the ship because of her previous experiences, but her need to serve the goddess made her do it anyway.  She has a close, personal connection to her goddess, but she still questions her faith, the nature of the gods.  It is an interesting take on religion. 

The ending did feel a bit unsatisfying to me.  I expected something really dark to happen.  Since the goddess follows Marina onto the ship and easily vanquishes the weaker god, there wasn't a lot of suspense.  Then I thought Marina would eject the girl with the harelip into space since she wasn't physically "perfect" or that the people in the cryo-chambers would be enslaved in some horrible way.  Or maybe the derelict god had been bluffing and would destroy Marina. 

Sept 8, 2017 14:09:21 GMT justin1023 said:

One minor thing I'd suggest also, is use names rather than descriptors a lot more. So, you can drop in Captain-general once or twice for Marina, but then just go with Marina. And for Marina's god, just call her Mictecacihuatl so we know which god you're talking about easily. That means eliminating things like: "The Lady of the Underlands." This applies for Eleanor as well (although I almost think you can eliminate her as a character). Toward the end, I think, you call her the priestess-astronomer, and I had no idea who that was until two paragraphs later. 

I agree with Justin.  I got confused a couple of times, especially this sentence:  "The Lady of the Underlands, Queen of the Unfleshed Lands brushed the derelict gods feeble attempts on her Captain-General aside."