More Bijouwee Stuff

[abi]

Heeeeey, guys! Sorry that I've been so MIA recently. The first issue of PPM is out, and now I'm free for writing stuff again. So, here is the next installment of Juniper and her adventures. I don't really have any specific questions... Other than maybe what you think of the Pifflefoot, who is introduced in this chapter. I'm curious what you picture it as, because everyone who has read it has had a different opinion so far, which I think might be a sign of some bad writing on my part. But anyway. Thanks in advance for reading! 

The Smallest Bijouwee Chapter 2-3.pdf (87.44 KB)

[justin1023]

Sept 10, 2017 22:32:46 GMT abi said:

Heeeeey, guys! Sorry that I've been so MIA recently. The first issue of PPM is out, and now I'm free for writing stuff again. So, here is the next installment of Juniper and her adventures. I don't really have any specific questions... Other than maybe what you think of the Pifflefoot, who is introduced in this chapter. I'm curious what you picture it as, because everyone who has read it has had a different opinion so far, which I think might be a sign of some bad writing on my part. But anyway. Thanks in advance for reading!

Abi! I love this book. You already know that since I read the whole thing. I'm not sure a lot has changed since I read it back in June, but either way, it was great then and it's great now. As for the Pifflefoot, it's not a sign of bad writing that everyone pictures it differently. I think that's what you want from a book like this. I can remember reading books like The Phantom Tollbooth and  having a clear image of a creature in my head only to see illustrations with a different interpretation. And that's totally fine. 

As for what I think the Pifflefoot looks like...well, he's a rock. I mean, I picture a gray pet rock that can walk very slowly and speak. 

For these two chapters, I literally don't have anything I'd suggest you change. I love the introduction to adventure and the picking up of characters along the way. I know the importance of the Piffelfoot, so it's exciting reading these early chapters again. 

Really, this is wonderful Abi. If it's not finished, finish it and let that nursery sell your book!

[Charlie Allison]

Sept 10, 2017 22:32:46 GMT abi said:

Heeeeey, guys! Sorry that I've been so MIA recently. The first issue of PPM is out, and now I'm free for writing stuff again. So, here is the next installment of Juniper and her adventures. I don't really have any specific questions... Other than maybe what you think of the Pifflefoot, who is introduced in this chapter. I'm curious what you picture it as, because everyone who has read it has had a different opinion so far, which I think might be a sign of some bad writing on my part. But anyway. Thanks in advance for reading! 

View Attachment

Abi,

I love these two chapters--you have found your tone and are sticking to it. While reminiscent of THE BORROWERS, this thing definitely is its own creature. I could see this story easily being used as a read-aloud book for children (or one of their first fantasy novels)
Green: I like this quote
Strike through: consider removing
underline: read aloud--typically a tense is off or a typo
Things these two chapters do well:
Consistency: Your tone is on point these two chapters--wandering, adventuring, irate with a burdensome follower, missing home but still excited to see the world, even in the middle of a storm. You're doing a great job of keeping the story on track and firmly rooted.
Consistency (of potatoes!): Part of what makes this story entertaining is how you commit to the culture of potatoes that Juniper grew up in--to the extent that she sees a lot of things through that lens. I love the introduction of potato-chips that weird her out but also intrigue her to be a fascinating addition to the story and reminds us of where she's from.

Cutting across the cracked hard ground, she found several more of the sleeves smelling of potato, similar to the one she had spent the night in, though some of them had a coating of orange dust on the inside.

The Smallest Bijouwee Chapter 2-3 1 charlie....pdf (100.01 KB)


Questions/concerns/ideas:

Pifflefoot. While I like this character, I imagine it as being somehow lithic.

The thing paused and lowered its head to blink at her. It was gray all over, with a head slightly too large for its body and craggy wrinkles for a face. With its eyes closed, it might have looked like any old rock.

For me, the prefix 'piffle' implies some lightness, an airiness, which somewhat clashes with it's actual description. I'm not saying to change it, but perhaps to dabble in alternate names or titles as the story moves on--in fantasy, a lot ries on names. Pifflefoot can work, absolutely, it just takes a bit more of an adjustment for my brain to associate it with a creepy, rock-creature. That said, I get the impression that the Pifflefoot is going to play the straight-man to Juniper's adventurer, the stoic and nearly silent foil to our flighty and excitable protagonist, Juniper. Its a momentary concern and I grew used to the character (See my enthusiasm below for the piffle-prefix)

If Juniper had not been already falling asleep, she might have noticed how very dark the sky was. She might have also noticed that the rock she was sitting was not a rock at all. And it had started to move.

I would suggest making the 'started to move' it's own line--to increase impact. If you were performing this you, you might take a deep breath and pause, let the audience have a moment of anticipation but that's simply performance tips.

Picaresque narrative:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Picaresque_novel A lot of the best fantasy narratives take an aspect or two from the idea of the picaresque--and I think it wouldn't be a difficult thing for you to incorporate with your into your frame-work--Juniper wants to have adventures, and a call to adventure and seeking one's fortunes is key to a lot of picaresques.
Speaking of which, I'm sure you've already considered this, but if you're party-building, this page can be an interesting if antiquated read derived from the theory of the humors:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_temperaments
If we apply that to your work in this universe, then we are half-way there:
Juniper: Sanguine
Pifflefoot: Melancholic
Leaving only phlegmatic and choleric.

A piffleperson?
I just realized that 'piffle' is a word meaning nonsense. I would love it, as a reader, if there was more to the 'piffle' clan than a one-off character--a whole piffle-person if you would, with each taking a limb as a suffix of their name. Pifflehead, Pifflehand, Piffletooth etc. Granted, this is just a fancy on my part, but since at times the Pifflefoot is occaisionally referred to as a title and a name, I think it could be a fun concept to explore, if not in this novel, but in a short-story sometime--maybe bouncing back to the theory of the humors for personalities if you get desperate. Also, piffleperson/people is just FUN to say.


Great work, Abi! Can't wait to read more!

[Charlie Allison]

Sept 12, 2017 13:40:23 GMT justin1023 said:

Sept 10, 2017 22:32:46 GMT abi said:

Heeeeey, guys! Sorry that I've been so MIA recently. The first issue of PPM is out, and now I'm free for writing stuff again. So, here is the next installment of Juniper and her adventures. I don't really have any specific questions... Other than maybe what you think of the Pifflefoot, who is introduced in this chapter. I'm curious what you picture it as, because everyone who has read it has had a different opinion so far, which I think might be a sign of some bad writing on my part. But anyway. Thanks in advance for reading!

Abi! I love this book. You already know that since I read the whole thing. I'm not sure a lot has changed since I read it back in June, but either way, it was great then and it's great now. As for the Pifflefoot, it's not a sign of bad writing that everyone pictures it differently. I think that's what you want from a book like this. I can remember reading books like The Phantom Tollbooth and  having a clear image of a creature in my head only to see illustrations with a different interpretation. And that's totally fine. 

As for what I think the Pifflefoot looks like...well, he's a rock. I mean, I picture a gray pet rock that can walk very slowly and speak. 

For these two chapters, I literally don't have anything I'd suggest you change. I love the introduction to adventure and the picking up of characters along the way. I know the importance of the Piffelfoot, so it's exciting reading these early chapters again. 

Really, this is wonderful Abi. If it's not finished, finish it and let that nursery sell your book!

The Phantom Tollbooth! Thank you, Justin, that's the comparison I wanted to draw! Abi does a great job of emulating that style of writing while making it her own--breezy, accessible, and stealthily funny.