Chasing Cassandra, Ch. 2-4

[princessdiana92]

1. Sorry for being absent, everyone. I know I keep saying that but I really do promise to get my life together and contribute on here more. 

2. Thank you for still being willing to look at my stuff even if I don't get around to yours. (I'm trying!!)

3. I love you all. Seriously.    Sexily adverbing for life!!!


So, this is a bit redundant from my last submission whenever the hell that was... (and I'm really really sorry for everyone who is sick and tired of my novel)... but I really wanted everyone's opinion on the new style I've been working on with revisions. You've seen my separate flashback chapters - per Julia and others' suggestions, I've been expanding on these flashback chapters. And I like it. But I want to hear your thoughts (which is why I re-submitted Ch.2 even tho you've already seen it soooo many times --sorry again!).

P.S. I get a bit graphic but hope I don't go overboard in Ch.2... so please, please let me know what you think of that rough rape scene. 

Can't thank you all enough. You guys keep me going. 


CC 2-4.pdf (101.83 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Tianna:
CC Charlies Line Notes on chapters 1-4.pdf (96.1 KB)

Here are my line-notes on the first four chapters.

Good news: this is clean copy, what errors exist aren't grammatical or mechanical in nature, or at least not a significant amount. You've clearly polished this till it sparkles.
You're able to do a lot with your lush language and evocative use of the landscape. They allow us to see the background, and imagine the tone of the scene even more than one would expect. Giving Craig rain-like spittle, to name just one example, contrasts him to the landscape the story is set: dry, pitiless, beautiful and austere. His establishing character moment has him trampling roses--an image we will remember, especially when he's been exsanguinated.
The prison itself is fundamentally isolated from the natural world that gives the sections set outside it mood, context and focus. This is rather the point of prisons, so point there, but this leads me point the first I wanted to make:

To my childish eyes, it was the entire world, laid out before me. How wrong I was.

Trust your audience.
One of the hardest things for us to do as writers is to let our fledglings flap and all that. To trust our readers to get the dramatic irony we've set up with rube-goldberg-esque precision and resist the urge to grab the reader like a disobedient puppy and explain quite clearly how they should feel. Take the above quote. In my opinion, the beauty present outside the prison is stronger in contrast the ugliness (in every sense) of prison life without pointing it out (See the bolded text). If you continue to use this alternating chapter structure, the serene and severe beauty of the American Southwest will act as a counterpoint to the monotony and brutality of the prison--just as we subconsciously compare !Outside!Zoe Byrd to !Inside Zoe Bird!. To comment on it (not to harp on this too much) could disrupt the reader's feelings of making the comparison themselves--thus immersing themselves inside your world and being actively involved.
As our Russian and Slavic friends would say "We leave without comment." When Zoe looks back on things wistfully or sadly, let your language show us that's what she's doing (its mostly already there anyway)--that way the reader can make up their minds and involve themselves more in the story.
Anyway!
The rape-scene is brutal. No point denying that. I will limit my suggestions in this regard, but something you could do, to bring it across to the reader how traumatic it was for Zoe, is to have her break from her usual bright and vivid descriptive style.

Losing consciousness, my legs slipped open and I felt him pushing until there was a sharp pain and he shoved himself deep inside, a searing pain like being split open, split in half and cracked all the way through.

Since we know the narrator is fond of descriptors, an effective way to evoke horror could be to skimp on detail here--and let the reader's imaginations do the heavy lifting.
That said, that scene is a masterful set-up with the shard of glass being placed in her robe. Mondo points!
As for the prison, Carlow and Charlotte and the rest, they are written well--and you have these great little signs of status and protocol tucked in throughout the story:

Cornflower-blue eyes peer out beneath painted eyebrows and thick, mascaraed lashes... I like her immediately. She's the first inmate I’ve seen with any splash of color on her face.

By giving Charlotte a painted face, you set her apart from the other inmates and imply a high-ish status, all without saying a word--setting the scene and laying the groundwork for the back-and-forth, cat-and-mouse conflict Zoe finds herself in between 'that bitch of a warden' and Charlotte.

Great job and keep it up!

[justin1023]

Sept 18, 2017 17:47:58 GMT princessdiana92 said:

1. Sorry for being absent, everyone. I know I keep saying that but I really do promise to get my life together and contribute on here more. 

2. Thank you for still being willing to look at my stuff even if I don't get around to yours. (I'm trying!!)

3. I love you all. Seriously.    Sexily adverbing for life!!!


So, this is a bit redundant from my last submission whenever the hell that was... (and I'm really really sorry for everyone who is sick and tired of my novel)... but I really wanted everyone's opinion on the new style I've been working on with revisions. You've seen my separate flashback chapters - per Julia and others' suggestions, I've been expanding on these flashback chapters. And I like it. But I want to hear your thoughts (which is why I re-submitted Ch.2 even tho you've already seen it soooo many times --sorry again!).

P.S. I get a bit graphic but hope I don't go overboard in Ch.2... so please, please let me know what you think of that rough rape scene. 

Can't thank you all enough. You guys keep me going.    

Hey Tianna,

I really like what you've done here. The flashback, while extended, are not pushing it too much. I think you'll need to continue to work on that balance. Your instinct may be to continue lengthening these, but your goal should be to keep them as confined as possible while getting the scene across. You've done that well here.

I've read all this about a hundred times, so I'm not going to have a ton of suggestions for you. It continues to get better through the refinement process, but I think you're at the state where a lot fo your changes will be sentence level, gut-feeling changes. That's a good sign. That said, I did want to bring up the rape scene.

It's not bad. It's not that it doesn't belong. It's that you have an awkward scene after it.

The part that starts after the section break is a relic of past flashback scenes, but it doesn't fit now. It can fit, but not as it is now. She's raped, then we're thrown into another scene where Craig is drunk and she's helping him. I think there just needs to be a better transition. Or as it's happening, maybe that's the moment Zoe considers the shard of glass. I don't know, but as it is now, the stuff after that section break doesn't quite work.

Everything else is great. You've really found a balance between your prose and your action. They work well together. Your dialogue has come a long way as well. Keep it up and you'll find yourself at a point eventually where you think you SHOULD keep editing but you'll realize your edits are potentially making your novel worse. That's where you want to get to. That's when you know you're done. You're not there yet, but keep at it and you will be soon!

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