The Nothing

[justin1023]

Hey all, 

This is something sort of new for me. I've got a crime/horror mashup of a story for you. Since this is a whole new genre twist, I'm interested in general feedback. Do I reveal too much about the backstory? Not enough? How's the continuity of the story? Things like that. 

Thanks so much!

Justin

Attachments:

The Nothing 1.pdf (138.78 KB)

[princessdiana92]

Sept 25, 2017 17:12:39 GMT justin1023 said:

Hey all, 

This is something sort of new for me. I've got a crime/horror mashup of a story for you. Since this is a whole new genre twist, I'm interested in general feedback. Do I reveal too much about the backstory? Not enough? How's the continuity of the story? Things like that. 

Thanks so much!

Justin

Holy shit, Justin. That was a mind-fuck (in a really great way!). So much happens in this story, and I think you handle all of those elements well without giving too much background info.

One thing I found a little confusing is the "deal" Sam and Danny's dad had with these (undead? cannibals?) .. beings. They like to eat humans, I got that much. But I guess I didn't understand if they're a mix of vampires/zombies/what exactly (does that matter to the story? not sure). 

I understood the motivation of living away from the "draft" and their dad not wanting Sam or Danny to be drafted into the war, but I didn't understand why the mother didn't help them fight at first.... she seems very resigned to their situation especially for an apocalyptic-type situation. 

Still, all of this works well for the story. There's this great lead-in to the setting, the darkness broken by the headlights approaching the house, the anticipation and impending danger. But then I also had a bunch of questions, like... why did their dad seem so unconcerned once they left? The entire family lets their guard down to kinda argue over their situation, and while this works as a form of distraction, it was almost a little too easy. I wonder how much different this story would read if Danny, Sam, and their dad watched the three beings drive away in their car... and the ambush comes a little later? As it reads now, it was just a little too unbelievable that they would just accept that the beings took the bribe and were done with it. 

Just some things to consider, but I really enjoyed this story. It was dark and fast-paced which worked well. I think this is almost leaning more toward the horror genre than crime. Justin could probably expand a little on these "deals" if he wanted to explore the aspect of crime some more. 

Great job on this, Justin. Looking forward to seeing what it turns into!

[Charlie Allison]

The Nothing Charlies notes.pdf (160.11 KB)

Things I liked:

Justin, you did a bang-up job on this. You plugged a lot of plot holes (particularly the mother-arc-one) and did some great atmospheric tweaks. Sammy feels more rounded out as a character, and so does Danny and the Dad.
-The sigil isn't explained, but it doesn't need to be, any more than a death's head on a flag indicates a nonverbal threat--it's pared down and brutally effective.
You have some great phrases here, very cinematic and to the point--one of my favorites is pasted below:

They looked at me as they entered the kitchen, ignored my gun, ignored Danny’s gun. They looked at the shotgun on the table, but their eyes jumped to the ice chest like a rock skipping across a pond.

We get a sense, despite the Dad somehow managing to make a deal with these things in the past, that they can't be bargained with or bribed--a lot of that has to do with the lack of dialogue and the language used to represent their gazes. They remind me, tangentially, of the Cousins from Breaking Bad: quiet, implacable and inexorable.

Another quote that jumped out at me:

I watched the one hovering over my brother, could feel the shuddering in Danny’s bones from across the table. I didn’t look at Danny’s face because I knew what I’d see, and I knew what I’d do.

When contemplating mortal actions, it helps to treat them like soap-bubbles--don't look at them directly or they burst. I love that Sammy has done this in such a high stakes situation.


Tianna mentioned the issue of the car. I'm not sure it's an issue: with adrenaline going, people make all kinds of stupid mistakes. Even if the family walked the creatures to the door at gunpoint, like protocol might require, they'd probably stop at that. With the amount of tension in the room, an oversight like this is understandable--and necessary to the plot. Besides, while the father is essentially a subsidized serial killer, his children have less training and are, additionally, still children and less likely to have military-level discipline.

I looked at him and smiled. “I’m not fighting, man, I’m surviving. We all are, and that’s different.”

Even without the incident, Samantha is dissatisfied with the life she's entrenched in--this sort of tension implies that this whole family-as-butchers dynamic wouldn't have held together over the long term--the Mother was already on the way out, as evidenced by her refusal to show up to the fight until the end.


Further Questions:

“Then fucking sit here.” I left her room, went to my room, and flipped the mattress off my bed and against the wall. Beneath it, wrapped in an old Arizona Wildcats t-shirt on top of the box spring, was the .357 I’d stolen from Margaret’s brother before we had to leave Arizona. I picked it up, dropped the shirt, and let my finger rest on the trigger.
Hadn’t been cleaned in at least a year. Had just three bullets in it. It would have to do.

What is Sam and Danny's role in their father's operation? Butchers? Lookouts? I realize this doesn't play into the central conflict of the story (the creatures and the ensuing firefight) but it does make me ask questions about why their father brought his wife and children to the most dangerous place in the world if they didn't have some utility? Do they do the value added work--making the meat transportable in coolers, skinning, peeling etc?

Used to be that they’d come pounding down someone’s door only after a week or more had gone by without a delivery—the ones around here at least, the ones that cared to make deals with us. But I knew they were running short. Not enough people made their move down south. Most stayed in the States, let the government scoop them up in the draft, fought a war they never wanted to have.

Solid exposition, but there is an opportunity here. You mention that there are other hunters, smugglers of human flesh whatever. Perhaps use one of them as an example, just a line or two, for Sammy to make clear what her and her sibling's role is down here. Maybe something like: "We hadn't heard from the Collinses, twenty miles out, in a few weeks. Dad said they didn't pay, so they vanished--and that sent a chill down my spine: the Collins family had a girl around my age, Petra, who had hunted vagrants with her father--unlike me and Danny, who X, Y, AND D'd for dad, but never went hunting." Or something like that--because while i love the tension of the story, I keep wondering what Sammy, Danny and the mother are even doing there on their father's damn crazy idea. It could be something as innocuous as trading or retrofitting dead-peoples clothes and supplies, or something as involved as a lure or a butcher.

So, final thoughts: this is compulsively readable and quick moving. There are a few questions about world-building, but the internal conflict is solid and drives the plot. One more round and I say submit this sucker!

[Julia]

Sept 25, 2017 17:12:39 GMT justin1023 said:

Do I reveal too much about the backstory? Not enough? How's the continuity of the story? Things like that. 

I love the setup of this story.  I don't think I've read a zombie-type story where people sell out their fellow humans to survive in this way before.  The dad's overconfidence feels realistic.  He's the type of person who thinks he can make deals out of anything.  Sam shows glimpses of being her father's daughter.  She is blase about the fact that he kills people, rationalizing that he only picks "bad" people. 

I think the amount of backstory was perfect.  We get hints of the family leaving the US, who seem to be fighting a war against the monsters, to instead live with them.  The dad's activities come out slowly over the course of the story.  The suspense builds in a fantastic way.    

I agree with Tianna that the family's reactions seemed a bit unconcerned.  They seemed very unprepared even though they knew the danger.  Why hasn't the .357 been cleaned in a year?  Why do Danny and Sam stay in the living room with their guns but then let the creatures push them into chairs and sniff them?  I kind of thought the twist would be that the mother would be killed, since she's the one that hid and seemed the safest.  Or that maybe the dad would have whispered to the creatures to go around the back and take her when they left.