I'm a sucker for tactics and weird amalgamations. I think this is a chapter in my novel--but it came out of a fever dream and I have some trouble establishing tension, voice and even the stakes. Regardless, this red-headed stepchild came out of the keyboard and I'm at a loss as what to do with it.
-What parts grabbed you--and how can I make them more prominent?
-What breaks the tension--digression, language pace?
Oh and here's the reference:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_games#Fox_and_HoundsA game with survival, not carnage, is the key.
Hey Charlie,
There is certainly a feverish quality to this draft, and that's just fine. It's best to get the words out in any fashion and let the story shape itself. You absolutely have the concept intact here. It's not quite working as is, but you can make it work—either as a chapter to your novel or as a stand-alone short.
Assuming it's a chapter in your novel, you don't need any additional (large) clarifiers. There are references to things that the reader will already understand to a certain extent (The Hummingbird's Children, for example). What's not clear to me is how exactly this fits into your novel. But take that feedback with a grain of salt. I know you write these chapters out of order then piece them together later. So, I'm sure you can connect the dots to the rest of your story. But just know that as I read it now, the connections I have made are:
-The Triumvirs
-The Humming Bird's Children
-The resistance
Iva Babiaka seems to be profiting from the resistance, but it's not clear to me how. And is she leading a rebellion, or is she selling a product?
Now, quickly before getting into more specific feedback, if this is going to be a stand-alone short, you will need to give the reader context for a few things. What is the resistance? What are they resisting? Who should we care about as readers? Things like that. But, that is far more work than just rolling this into your novel, so I think you should take that path.
OK, let's talk about some things that work in this:
The strategy behind both Elspeth's moves and Babiaka's moves is fascinating. I think that's what you like best about this story, and it shows through. I like it best as well. Both women play a game and they play it well. When one makes a move, no matter how off-guard it might catch the other, the other has another play to make.
The tension that you were worried wasn't there, does exist. It's just not clear what the end-game is for all the tension. We'll get to that. But you have established tension in Elspeth's van breaking down, her attempting a bargain, her getting captured, then her orchestrating a bargain that might kill her in the end. It's all really well done, and things escalate at a natural pace.
I know you're always worried about the worldbuilding, so I will tell you this: You nailed it. There's a Mad Max-like quality to this setting, and I think it's fully realized. Please don't add anymore descriptors to the world. You have the right balance (assuming you take my advice on the lists I'm about to give in a second). Great job on setting up this world.
Now, things I think need to change:
First and foremost, you have to lose the lists. I don't mean this in an offensive way but as means to help you fully understand why I don't think they work, but they feel like a cheap trick. Something you would do to quickly side-step the need for real exposition. Dump them, man. Both of them. Dump them in a heap in the middle of the street, pour an entire can of gasoline on them. Light them up. Burn those fucking lists to the ground.
Done?
Ok, so how do you work what you wanted to achieve through those lists into natural exposition? You do it by having Elspeth interact with the elements of the lists. Have her walk past Reinhart sharpening the letter opener. Have her catch the rubber ball the children are playing with as it bounces away. You know how to do this, you just have to do it.
Next, the beginning of the story is a bit jumbled. I think this is a product of you starting us with the broken down van, then jumping back in time to help explain what Elspeth is doing, then jumping back to the moment. I say, start with the van breaking down and introduce what she's up to not through memories but through interactions with Tia and Scar or interactions with Babiaka.
The final thing I think you need to look at is what exactly Elspeth's purpose is. She slings ice cream that apparently gives the consumer visions of worlds beyond their world? Things not otherwise exposed to them? Am I on the right path here? I think that needs to be more clear, but even more important, I think the reason Elspeth does it needs to be more clear. You mention her boss, you mention her suit protecting her from the heat, but not the humidity. These I things I took away, but I did not take away what the heck she is actually doing and why.
Brother, as always, I give you such long and detailed and to the point feedback because you have something good here. Mold it, shape it, bring it into focus. You have such a wonderful concept for this, I know you can work it into better shape. Great start and keep it up!
Attachments:Devil and Tailors d1.pdf (196.31 KB)
