Animal Sanctuary

[Rie Webster]

Animal Sanctuary is the overall theme for a series of shorts I am planning on writing. With only two or three of the shorts finished, there is a lot to be done on this. The basic premise is that there is an animal sanctuary where you have animals such as The Bad News Bears, Drama Llamas, a Hobby Horse, etc and it follows the shenanigans of the various animals and their keepers. 

[Rie Webster]

Bad News Bears

I am providing a link to the Google Docs set up. If you have the link, you should be able to view, not comment on it. Feel free to shoot me any comments or suggestions here. 


docs.google.com/document/d/1YAMsLWJW6P5YGBQvPNFYkDTA9adW9WUXrNpdu72jQGc/edit?usp=sharing

[Charlie Allison]

Reading tomorrow morning So glad I get to read these stories again

[Charlie Allison]

May 28, 2016 18:16:21 GMT Rie Webster said:

Animal Sanctuary is the overall theme for a series of shorts I am planning on writing. With only two or three of the shorts finished, there is a lot to be done on this. The basic premise is that there is an animal sanctuary where you have animals such as The Bad News Bears, Drama Llamas, a Hobby Horse, etc and it follows the shenanigans of the various animals and their keepers. 

Rie,

Alright lets do this!
Strengths of the work:
-Title-flex. Basically, the title of the work provides a lure--and a silent punchline. It's a testament to 'Bad News Bears' that you make this style work.
-Tight format. the story is under five hundred words (I guess making it technically flash fiction). You don't waste any words
- In relation to that last point, actually, I love the use of archetypes. You don't bother giving the prince a name because he doesn't need one. Neither do his family members--they are cogs that churn ceaselessly towards the 'wham line'.
-Eminently quotable work. Here are two of my favorite quotes from this piece:

The first bear swung its head back into the aisle and blinked. “Why, we’re the Bad News Bears,” it told him matter of factly. “The stone work is crumbling in that corner.”

and the first sentence sets the scene perfectly--because of this, you really don't need to waste time building atmosphere as much as someone else might:

The young prince snuck into the kitchens, hoping to find some tasty morsels left behind after the banquet.

Suggestions:

Really, Rie, the only thing I can suggest are superficial, since, in my mind, this is a very strong work.
-Length. Right now, this story is easily about to compete (and probably win) flash fiction contests. If you wanted to pad this story out to a thousand words or two thousand, you could do it and enter it as a short story. However, its certainly not my intent to tell you what to do with this story--just letting you know you have the option of expansion.

Charlies Line Notes Bad news bears.pdf (22.93 KB)