One Thousand Hours Free, revised

[justin1023]

Hey guys, 

Here's the revised version of One Thousand Hours Free. Not a whole ton of changes, but very specific changes based on everyone's feedback. You'll notice an earlier mention of FrancisFordMustang, a better reason why THIS is the day that Rus finally leaves, and a bit more of a looming presence from the brother Denny. Let me know if it works!

Attachments:

OneThousandHoursFree.pdf (110.37 KB)

[Charlie Allison]

Justin:
Made some quick modifications and markups on the .pdf.

OneThousandHoursFree-1CBA edits.pdf (147.24 KB)

Pink--Typo. Fix it. Or a tense issue.
Green-- Great addition--helps bring out a previously under-developed plot.
Blue--Try reading through without this line--a tentative 'cut' mark.
Improvements! The story really profits from the changes you've made to the structure--from introducing FrancisFordMustang's name on the first page (sets up that he will be pivotal) to the newly added scene with Denny/Russell's abbreviated face-to-face conflict. This helps create a sense of urgency for Russell--you imply that his adrenaline is going and this influences his decision to go and see FFM--or it is slightly more of a factor in his decision making.
You also did some serious work in fleshing out the mother character--she's written as an optimist against all evidence, contrasting nicely with Russell's father's extreme version of utilitarianism, to the point of joylessness. These extremes, coupled with the shiny moral paragon that is Denny, gives more incentive for Russell to leave in a hurry.
Even better--there's a line here that sums up how bleak Russell views his home life:

All the while, it would be Denny who discovered I was gone. He'd be looking for another quick score. Looking for money. And he would find my room empty.

When Denny is the only one who will first notice your absence, it's not hard for the reader to conclude that perhaps young Russell doesn't feel valued. Good work, man.

See my line notes for more--great second draft, man!

Charlie

[justin1023]

Feb 9, 2017 14:52:07 GMT Charlie Allison said:

Justin:
Made some quick modifications and markups on the .pdf.



Pink--Typo. Fix it. Or a tense issue.
Green-- Great addition--helps bring out a previously under-developed plot.
Blue--Try reading through without this line--a tentative 'cut' mark.
Improvements! The story really profits from the changes you've made to the structure--from introducing FrancisFordMustang's name on the first page (sets up that he will be pivotal) to the newly added scene with Denny/Russell's abbreviated face-to-face conflict. This helps create a sense of urgency for Russell--you imply that his adrenaline is going and this influences his decision to go and see FFM--or it is slightly more of a factor in his decision making.
You also did some serious work in fleshing out the mother character--she's written as an optimist against all evidence, contrasting nicely with Russell's father's extreme version of utilitarianism, to the point of joylessness. These extremes, coupled with the shiny moral paragon that is Denny, gives more incentive for Russell to leave in a hurry.
Even better--there's a line here that sums up how bleak Russell views his home life:

All the while, it would be Denny who discovered I was gone. He'd be looking for another quick score. Looking for money. And he would find my room empty.

When Denny is the only one who will first notice your absence, it's not hard for the reader to conclude that perhaps young Russell doesn't feel valued. Good work, man.

See my line notes for more--great second draft, man!

Charlie

Thanks so much, Charlie! I love the legend you provided for your line notes. Super helpful, and so were the notes

[eldercheese]

Hey Justin been running around a lot lately. Working on Rain Scars the pod cast and a new short story for our next reading. All that aside I am currently reading the ranch I'm 70 pages in so farr so I should has some feels on it soon. Then I'll reread this story because charlie sad the new draft is really good.

[justin1023]

Feb 21, 2017 0:16:49 GMT eldercheese said:

Hey Justin been running around a lot lately. Working on Rain Scars the pod cast and a new short story for our next reading. All that aside I am currently reading the ranch I'm 70 pages in so farr so I should has some feels on it soon. Then I'll reread this story because charlie sad the new draft is really good.

Thanks, Eliot! Really appreciate you reading through The Ranch as well. You're the man!

[eldercheese]

No problem man I am about 240 pages in by now should be done in a few days.