Letting Loose the Gods (going out for submissions soon)

[Charlie Allison]

Hi-diddly-ho!

Tis Charlie. Just finished my thesis in time (barely) so I'll be on here a bit more, spreading life like the springtime. Or, you know, curses and adverbs.

This is a short story from my collection that I tried to repurpose into a standalone. It uses an old character of mine, Tybalt, in a new way and redefines his relationship with his captor/patron on a god sanctuary.

Things I'm curious about:
-Opening: does it draw the reader in?
-Motives: Is it clear that Tybalt is both willing collaborator and coerced--or rather, oscillating between the two?
-Empathy: do you want to see Huehuetochtli succeed, or Tybalt? If so, why? If not, what could I do to expand and make them 'pop' more
-Surrealism: I cut pages of descriptors from this story--which may or may not have been written after 48 hours of no sleep and some caffeine. Does the sanctuary feel too bare-bones? To described?
-Tension: Is there any?


All the best--I'm gonna get back to line edits.


CharlieLETTING LOOSE THE GODS.pdf (101.73 KB)

[justin1023]

May 3, 2017 21:49:02 GMT Charlie Allison said:

Hi-diddly-ho!

Tis Charlie. Just finished my thesis in time (barely) so I'll be on here a bit more, spreading life like the springtime. Or, you know, curses and adverbs.

This is a short story from my collection that I tried to repurpose into a standalone. It uses an old character of mine, Tybalt, in a new way and redefines his relationship with his captor/patron on a god sanctuary.

Things I'm curious about:
-Opening: does it draw the reader in?
-Motives: Is it clear that Tybalt is both willing collaborator and coerced--or rather, oscillating between the two?
-Empathy: do you want to see Huehuetochtli succeed, or Tybalt? If so, why? If not, what could I do to expand and make them 'pop' more
-Surrealism: I cut pages of descriptors from this story--which may or may not have been written after 48 hours of no sleep and some caffeine. Does the sanctuary feel too bare-bones? To described?
-Tension: Is there any?


All the best--I'm gonna get back to line edits.


Charlie    

First, let me say you did a great job cutting into this story and making it a standalone. I've obviously seen many drafts of this one, and while the general plot is the same, the reasoning behind the plot is different. Thus making it stand on its own. Now, into your more specific questions:

-Opening: does it draw the reader in?

Your opening line doesn't pack the same punch as the original, but the original would no longer work. So, I tried to read this as if I'd never read that original line, and yes I'm immediately drawn in. The idea of a flaming God Sanctuary is great visually and it immediately propels us into the action o the story. This is one of Charlie's more action-packed stories, so I think drawing the reader in is no concern.


-Motives: Is it clear that Tybalt is both willing collaborator and coerced--or rather, oscillating between the two?

Short answer: No. At least for me, I'm still missing the what's in it for Tybalt part of this. I think you hinted at it a few times in the story, but I can't even pull those moments out as I re-read it because they are buried under too many layers. Motivation should be explicit, and Huehuetochtli's is. Tybalt's though is muddy. Is he only complicit because he had been touched by a god and would be condemned to death if that was revealed?

-Empathy: do you want to see Huehuetochtli succeed, or Tybalt? If so, why? If not, what could I do to expand and make them 'pop' more

I want to see Tybalt succeed. I am close to rooting for Huehuetochtli's plan, but I'm not there. I think the incarceration of the Gods is a good motivator for me to root for both Huehuetochtli and Tybalt. But the story doesn't quite make clear why Huehuetochtli wants the gods freed. is it because she is a god and it's the right thing? Or does she have more nefarious purposes in mind? Tybalt has a bit of backstory here, but there's very little emotional connection to him. BUT, but...if you solve for the last issue (the motivation one), I think you'll solve for our emotional connection to Tybalt.

-Surrealism: I cut pages of descriptors from this story--which may or may not have been written after 48 hours of no sleep and some caffeine. Does the sanctuary feel too bare-bones? To described?

No, no, no. This is the right amount of description. It is anything but bare bones. I see it. I feel it. And it does not get in the way of the story.

-Tension: Is there any?

There is a ton o tension in this story. This is an action story, so it's inherently filled with tension from the fight scenes and Tybalt trying to survive. But there is also the tension surrounding the plan. Will Tybalt be able to kill the director? That adds a lot of tension. 

Final point: 

What is the plan exactly? It seems whatever Tybalt did the night before (the thing that set the sanctuary ablaze too soon) worked. The gods were freed. So, is the plan to kill the director? You mention him being the spine of the sanctuary, so my assumption is that if he is dead, there is no chance of recollection of the gods. Is that right? You might want to bring that out just a touch more. 

You've put a ton of work into this and it shows. It's so very close, Charlie. It's hard to pull something originally planned as part of a larger whole and make it stand on its own. But you're doing just that. Great job! I have said this before, but I think this will be the story you will want to use as a template for balancing story and worldbuilding. It's really well done. 

Attachments:

LETTING LOOSE THE GODS.pdf (164.29 KB)