Choice of Games and Work

[Charlie Allison]

So I'm in the final lap of getting work for this choice of games company--if i get past this stage, they may hire me to write a choose your own adventure game. However, they have pretty strict standards as to pitches--I've attached them as the first part of the document.

My offerings start on page four: all titles are just demos. I tried to write in a style that mimicked what they wanted, but it also should serve as an elevator pitch: does this sound like an interesting concept you would want to play with or interact with? How do these pitches stack up with the excerpts the company wants? Which of my proposals feels strongest and which need more work to be up to snuff?

Thanks so much guys!
Proposals for Choice of Games may 2017 review.pdf (123.14 KB)

If any of you, by the way, want to work for them or play a game or three--they are cheap, I do recommend visiting their website:
www.choiceofgames.com

[justin1023]

May 15, 2017 20:01:42 GMT Charlie Allison said:

So I'm in the final lap of getting work for this choice of games company--if i get past this stage, they may hire me to write a choose your own adventure game. However, they have pretty strict standards as to pitches--I've attached them as the first part of the document.

My offerings start on page four: all titles are just demos. I tried to write in a style that mimicked what they wanted, but it also should serve as an elevator pitch: does this sound like an interesting concept you would want to play with or interact with? How do these pitches stack up with the excerpts the company wants? Which of my proposals feels strongest and which need more work to be up to snuff?

Thanks so much guys!


If any of you, by the way, want to work for them or play a game or three--they are cheap, I do recommend visiting their website:
www.choiceofgames.com

Alright, brother, I have thoughts! 


SEVEN MACAW VERSE: 

First problem is the first line of the pitch...."You are the last-born of the Macaw’s Sons." The very definition of "son" means that you do not give the player a choice of gender. That is a no-no in CoG world. 

I really want this to be my favorite, but the pitch is missing stakes. Why does the last born need to do anything? What's at stake when one decision is made versus another. I get a sense for stakes in all the other pitches, but not this one. 

MYTHS AND MISTS:

This one is probably the most straightforward of the pitches and easiest for the reader to understand. Also, it sounds like fun. Slight tweak to the pitch: 

You are an old god, held prisoner in a book. One night, the library-prison burns, and a few badly
singed folk-tales and myths stumble from the hulk. Presented with freedom in such a sudden and dramatic fashion leaves you with an embarrassment of choices. You could hunt down the people who left you to gather dust in the stacks, if they are even still alive. You might be of a more inquisitive nature and investigate the freak accident that freed you and your fellow archetypeal characters from the conflagration. Or you may choose not to miss a beat and get back to your old tricks and build up a haven for orphaned beliefs.

*I removed the em-dash in the final sentence and made it a new sentence

DIPLOMAT’S TALE:

This one is another good choice based on simplicity of the explanation (a good thing). Although, it doesn't quite sound as fun as Myths and Mists. 

Quick edit in the beginning: 

You are a career diplomat-magi in a world full of the strange—cat-bats, chrona-spiders, liches and squidpeople. You’ve never met a problem you couldn’t solve one way or another.

FISTS AND FILIBUSTERS:

Ooh, this one also sounds fun. I like the idea of the choices coming as a direct result of the character's freedom based on a pre-determined age. I think the pitch can be tightened, so I'm taking liberties here: 


Politics and hyper-stylized combat are welcome bedfellows in the magical city Wolfward. You are a neophyte asset for the Senate’s Deliberation Committee in the Latinate Rings. You’ve been trained since you could walk in showmanship, violence, and the art of flamboyant hotdogging to packed theaters of political junkies.
But you are finally free to pursue your own course on your twenty-fifth birthday. Will you stay in the Rings, busting up filibusters to the upcoming Wolfward Infrastructure Bills with meteoric elbow drops? Will you pursue the theatrical side of your art and leave to study with the Magi-Singers in their decaying opera-home? Or perhaps military work is a way to hone your art to perfection in the Winds—the vascular enforcement of laws passed? Legislation is an option that might appeal to your taste—either editing laws, using your in-person knowledge of the fighting ring to gain an edge in what legislation will pass, or working behind the scenes to cripple or expose key players that work against your interests, whatever they may be.
What battles do you pick, how do you choose to win, and who do your victories benefit?



So, bottom line, here's my ranking: 

1. FISTS AND FILIBUSTERS
2. MYTHS AND MISTS
3. DIPLOMAT’S TALE
4. SEVEN MACAW VERSE

[Charlie Allison]

May 15, 2017 20:36:31 GMT justin1023 said:

May 15, 2017 20:01:42 GMT Charlie Allison said:

So I'm in the final lap of getting work for this choice of games company--if i get past this stage, they may hire me to write a choose your own adventure game. However, they have pretty strict standards as to pitches--I've attached them as the first part of the document.

My offerings start on page four: all titles are just demos. I tried to write in a style that mimicked what they wanted, but it also should serve as an elevator pitch: does this sound like an interesting concept you would want to play with or interact with? How do these pitches stack up with the excerpts the company wants? Which of my proposals feels strongest and which need more work to be up to snuff?

Thanks so much guys!


If any of you, by the way, want to work for them or play a game or three--they are cheap, I do recommend visiting their website:
www.choiceofgames.com

Alright, brother, I have thoughts! 


SEVEN MACAW VERSE: 

First problem is the first line of the pitch...."You are the last-born of the Macaw’s Sons." The very definition of "son" means that you do not give the player a choice of gender. That is a no-no in CoG world. 

I really want this to be my favorite, but the pitch is missing stakes. Why does the last born need to do anything? What's at stake when one decision is made versus another. I get a sense for stakes in all the other pitches, but not this one. 

MYTHS AND MISTS:

This one is probably the most straightforward of the pitches and easiest for the reader to understand. Also, it sounds like fun. Slight tweak to the pitch: 

You are an old god, held prisoner in a book. One night, the library-prison burns, and a few badly
singed folk-tales and myths stumble from the hulk. Presented with freedom in such a sudden and dramatic fashion leaves you with an embarrassment of choices. You could hunt down the people who left you to gather dust in the stacks, if they are even still alive. You might be of a more inquisitive nature and investigate the freak accident that freed you and your fellow archetypeal characters from the conflagration. Or you may choose not to miss a beat and get back to your old tricks and build up a haven for orphaned beliefs.

*I removed the em-dash in the final sentence and made it a new sentence

DIPLOMAT’S TALE:

This one is another good choice based on simplicity of the explanation (a good thing). Although, it doesn't quite sound as fun as Myths and Mists. 

Quick edit in the beginning: 

You are a career diplomat-magi in a world full of the strange—cat-bats, chrona-spiders, liches and squidpeople. You’ve never met a problem you couldn’t solve one way or another.

FISTS AND FILIBUSTERS:

Ooh, this one also sounds fun. I like the idea of the choices coming as a direct result of the character's freedom based on a pre-determined age. I think the pitch can be tightened, so I'm taking liberties here: 


Politics and hyper-stylized combat are welcome bedfellows in the magical city Wolfward. You are a neophyte asset for the Senate’s Deliberation Committee in the Latinate Rings. You’ve been trained since you could walk in showmanship, violence, and the art of flamboyant hotdogging to packed theaters of political junkies.
But you are finally free to pursue your own course on your twenty-fifth birthday. Will you stay in the Rings, busting up filibusters to the upcoming Wolfward Infrastructure Bills with meteoric elbow drops? Will you pursue the theatrical side of your art and leave to study with the Magi-Singers in their decaying opera-home? Or perhaps military work is a way to hone your art to perfection in the Winds—the vascular enforcement of laws passed? Legislation is an option that might appeal to your taste—either editing laws, using your in-person knowledge of the fighting ring to gain an edge in what legislation will pass, or working behind the scenes to cripple or expose key players that work against your interests, whatever they may be.
What battles do you pick, how do you choose to win, and who do your victories benefit?



So, bottom line, here's my ranking: 

1. FISTS AND FILIBUSTERS
2. MYTHS AND MISTS
3. DIPLOMAT’S TALE
4. SEVEN MACAW VERSE

Justin:

Thanks for the feedback. I'm posting my modifications here: Second Round of Proposals COG.pdf (50.11 KB) sans the rubrics. Added stakes to the Macaw's Children and modified a few of the FISTS AND FILIBUSTERS descriptors. Hope that these are almost ready to go